I have experienced depression in many forms all my life, it was characterized as dysthymia (now known as persistent depressive disorder) until I had some hypomanic episodes and is now recognized as bipolar type II. Still the majority of the mood is usually okay or low so being low is something I've been familiar with for I guess around 10 years and I've had depression I would classify as severe.
However what I am going through now feels like no depression before. I am tireder than usual (and I already was a lot). Really it's like all my depression symptoms dialed up to extreme levels I can't cope with.
The worst is my brain. I'm in a demanding course and it's like my brain has turned to mush. I can't concentrate or make decisions, even thinking clearly when I'm low and tired is too much. It all becomes too much and I break down because my brain can't cope.
I know this is all depression but it is sooo much worse this time I dont remember it being this hard before. The more I think about this the more hopeless I get. Without my brain functioning I am not me. I can't think straight.
I don't know what to do I thought this would get better but it hasn't.
Any kind words of encouragement or tips on dealing with this would be appreciated.
Thank you kindly for reading.
Last edited by Snow White. : 04-05-2014 at 02:19 PM.
Hey lovely, I'm sorry things are so awful at the moment <3
Do you think it's possible that you have experienced depression like this in the past and it's somewhat to do with your perception? I know that for me whenever I hit a 'low patch' almost every time I get like "It's never been this bad before" - and I'm sure that's more to do with the fact that being in the middle of it feels very different to remembering it. I'm not at all trying to minimize what you're going through, I know it is just awful. Actually I'm not quite sure what my point was. Just, for me, it helps to be able to recognize that I have been there before and that means I can get through it again.
Use all the support you can get. Are you still seeing your psychologist / psychiatrist? Make sure you let them know how difficult things are, how bad this is. Do you have any support at uni? I can only imagine how difficult it must be trying to cope with your course while feeling like this, so if there is any help and support available from uni, from your tutors, or even people on your course (e.g. could they help you study) then you should make sure you get it!
What has helped in the past? I know that this doesn't feel the same, and maybe is much worse than in the past, but I think that making sure you use the skills that have helped before is still important, and will still be helpful. Don't let the magnitude of these feelings put you off or make it seem pointless; you can still do this. Break things down. If you can only focus on stufying for five minutes at a time, thast's fine. Study for five minutes then take a break for five minutes. Have as good a routine as ayou can. Give yourself rewards. Make lists. Etc etc. Keep going lovely. You absolutely can do this and it will get better <3
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply. I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier I was struggle a bit. I'll reply to each of your posts separately so I know I've covered everything.
Serendipity (I don't know if you use your name here), you're right it could be a perception thing, or maybe because I have more demands I'm just noticing it impacting more things.
I saw my psychologist today and told her how I felt this was a really bad depressive episode and she didn't seem to really... care? She hardly went into it at all but I kept going and told her about my cognitive problems and she was saying I need more sleep because I don't have all the depression symptoms enough for it to be depression-related fatigue, that it is just fatigue. I felt really invalidated by that.
She did also say I need to get my medication sorted because it seems to have come unstuck and isn't helping my depression, but it was like she didn't really want to hear about why i felt like this was a significant depression. I guess it doesn't matter to her though. Would have been nice to have been listened to though.
My uni has been really helpful. My placement supervisor let me have brief nap during the day when I was overwhelmed and I had to leave one class and the tutor was fine with it, so they've been good.
Carmen thank you I like that idea. I have started to plan things out more with a to do sheet that covers what to do today, this week, to follow up so it's really good for planning. I'll try and make it a bit more of a full plan like the one you're suggesting, I like that then won't be at lose ends confused.
My rest is pretty good, I do tend to oversleep but my night rest is pretty good. I wake up a couple of times when my dog wants to go out but that's not often.
Regarding school we just had an Easter break of about a week and then we go until the end of May, then I think have a break at the beginning of June from classes (but I'll still have research and placement).
Thank you both so much xxxxx
I've been doing that thing where you tell yourself to study for just fifteen minutes then you get into it and realise an hour has gone by :P
I'm sorry you feel invalidated by your psychologist, I think I'd feel like that too.
I find as soon as my depression starts to hit my cognitive functions I find it much harder to manage.
Could you take along a depression questionnaire? When I see student support you have to complete a depression and anxiety questionnaire, I find it can be quite useful for highlighting the areas of my life my mood is affecting and helps us come up with strategies to counter them.
Yeah that's a good idea. I'm not seeing her for four weeks now but if it is still going on I will bring one.
I am seeing my psychiatrist next week who said that if my mood hadn't improved we could try a new medication (I was too scared to try it last time) so she takes it seriously and recognizes something needs to change.
I do have to start seeing a new GP soon though, I'll take a good quality depression questionnaire with me then. That's a brilliant idea and I have access to a lot of them so thank you for suggesting that :)
(The screener questionnaire they have at the GP isn't a very good measure so I'd be able to show things better with another scale).
I'm not great with advice but I would say try not to be too hard on yourself. When you catch yourself thinking - I should be able to do this or I should be doing this better - stop and be kinder to yourself. By putting these demands on yourself you will only be making things harder.
I was first diagnosed with severe depression and first started self harming during the end of my second year at university. My third year was extremely tough but I managed to finish university with a 2:1 degree. I know our situations are not the same but I hope you find a little strength from hearing my experience.
Take care of yourself and good luck with your studies.
Yet if you should forget me for a while,
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
By Christina Rossetti
Thanks coops, I think you are right. Things are going easier when I give myself a break and then get back into my work so I think I'll have to try and use that skill in all areas of my life.
I had a spur of enthusiasm and did a lot of work this evening which felt good. But I took breaks too which helped because I haven't burned out the enthusiasm. I'm tired but it feels good to get things done.
