I got tons i need to say and yet i cant find the words.
I feel like im a ball of emotion waaiting to explode but its just so painful.
I cant do anything right, no matter how hard i try, so why do i keep trying?
Its ironic, im finaly in the state now where i can let go of everything, im ready to do the deed and be pain free, so i have my regrets, i promised myself one time that i wouldnt do it until i had ecperinced love to see what it was like. but i don care anymore. In the words of my mother, im a selfish bloody madame. So not like its going to happen anyway.
I have beenbabysitting, to help my sister. I have also jut worked 10hours of hard labour with sawand hammers to earn some money to go towards the rent i cant pay. I have been involved in the minor car accidents in the last 2 days and i ache all over. I have just sat in the police station for2 hours. I have just puked.
Yet I am a failure. Try as i might, I have been unable to do the damage that I want.No matte how hard I punch my knuckle refuses to break. Sure its 3 times the size but it wont break.
Its ironic, Im ready o do the deed and im wating it so much. Yet I cant. Im scared because if it dosnt work, i know i have blood tests aranged for tomorrow. People cant know. Thats when teams start getting involved and things in lace to stop it.
Im shaking and I cant stop. Everyone has gone out. Yet I can hear noises downstairs. I keep thinking somebody is there.
I dont want to be me anymore. And I dont think it is fair that people keep making me fight and live though it. They shouldnt have saved me last time. If they hadnt everyone would have gotten over it by now an I wouldnt have to do this.
Yes im selfish im oly thinking of myself. I do not care how others would feel if im no here, because im sefish, i ony care about me and right now the me needs to be dead!
I dont know why i wrote this, it cant achieve anything. Its pointless just like life. So ignore. Its just a rant in the wrong place.
sitting on the floor in a ball shivring.
Too many strange urges that i have never had before.
It is takin so much will for me to not swallow my tools right now.
Wierd urges.urgh
Oh Kim...
*snuggles you*
I have no words for you...I wish I did...I understand where you are comeing from...what you are talking about...I empathise...and I'm sorry.
Please hold on Kim...please..?
Much much love.
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Kim...
PLEASE call someone right now.
you sound in a horrible place.
i dont have any words to help and am quite useless atm.
but please, please use the resources that you KNOW are there.
you would tell me the same.
much much love and hope.
xxxxxx
oh....if you would like to chat..im on msn.
loves again.
xxxx
I dont want to hold on. holding on only resorts to more pain. Ijust want it to be over. I cant deal with this. I cant keep going through this and feeling like this. I just want it to end i need to stop ipossing on people. I just need to be dead. I wont call anyone. People will only do the usul, we have tomake sure your alright. and then they will watch me and that just makes it harder to do what needs to be done.
i know what it feels like to be in that place. but no one wants to lose you!!!!
youre an awesome person.
youre always there to help and offer support.
please do hold on and let people support you the way you do everyone else.
*holds on to you tight*
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx
I think that you're wrong when you say people would have 'got over' losing you, on here if no where else I think it would have left a great hole. You were the first person I ever PMed, to thank you for your very kind and helpful first aid advice. You are a beautiful and kind soul who I know helps so many people, with practical advice and words of support. Does this mean that you should stay here for other people, to help them? No, it means you should hold on because you deserve the chance to be happy, to live, you deserve to be helped just like you have helped other people and to one day love and be loved, and I promise you will be; there's no way someone like you couldn't be.
Please stay safe and know that we are all thinking of you and sending our thoughts and care your way.
I wish i could still believe in the fairy tales of happily ever after. But thats someone elses lifenotmine.
You all seem to see this nice person, but thats not me either. Im a bitch. Im bitter and cynical. Im burning upwith anger and hatred. Im a spoilt little brat who sulksif i dont get my own way. Im selfish and I dont care about anybody but myself.
Right now my head is spining. Ideas are flowing at a thousand miles per hour. So many ways to do it, why chose just one. I have enough information to make sure that it is sucesful.
I know that I deserve this pain, that I bought it all on myself, just a shame I dragged other people into it. But im tired. Im tired and fed up of it all and no matter how spoilt that sounds, i know that I dont have to put up with it anymore. I dont want to keep holding on and fighting. hold on and fight for what. To be a burden to everyone? To try ard and get pain in return. To try to d something right and have it thrown back at you. Whats the point. I dont see one. And Love, perhaps its overrated, to my mind it looks like it onlybrings on more uffering in the long run so why bother.
Sorry igonre me. Im just walloing in self pity as always.
You seem to be in a really bad place right now, please call someone to talk to you, or if you want PM me and I can msn with you.
You might see yourself as a terrible horrible person, but I'm sorry I do not believe that for a second and if you don't want to take my word for it, just think, would a bitch/someone selfish really care if they were? And no, there is no such thing as happily ever after, but there is such a thing as happy and it's that that you deserve, happiness and warmth. I know you're angry at upset right now and I know that it can feel that it's all you've ever known and ever will know, but I also know that all the times I've felt that way in the past, I've been wrong. Please post back to let us know you're ok hun xx
Kim hunni I don't know about anyone else here (though I think they're thinking the same) but you aren't the only person that feels like others see a compleatly different person than really exists...after all, only you know your own thoughts and feelings...that is what I think makes us our own biggest critiques.
Having said that it seems you won't believe anyone when they tell you how wonderful you are...and that's understandable...I've been there, as I am sure many here have also...
So I won't try and convince you. Just know that I love you.
Much much love
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
i'm not going to laugh at you. i'm going to offer you a clean tissue and some water to rinse your mouth after you puked. and a cold pack for your knuckle. be glad you didn't break it.
Selfish and wanting your own way? Yeah, it's human. Happily ever after? there's no magic wand or glass slipper there. it's all just day to day decisions and actions. and finding the miracles or the glimmer of light in each day or even knowing that after the dark we'll appreciate the light that much more.
We're always hardest on ourselves. one of my friends tells me to be good, i ask him to define good and he says be good to yourself.
so be less harsh with yourself.
along with the tissue and the water and the ice pack, a great big cherishing bear hug for you.
love, susan
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Kim, my dear dear friend. Life is a yin and yang. A balance.
You are a beautiful person, who devotes her own time and own effort to help so many people. You are amazing, and I admire you so so so much.
I'm here if you need me. I will try my hardest to help because I love you dearly.
I must say, safe is the thing i want least at the minute.
Im asloutly drained. Think I managed to get about 2 hours sleep last night. oh well.
Picked up a nice full prescription day. Going into hospital wednesday, so if I hold out for now, when I get discharged, they will give me another nice prescrption plus a bucket full of painkillers.I wouldlike it to be sooner and such, but right now this seems to be the wisest option. ha wise option lol makes me laugh.
Had to go to the clinic today about my neck from the car. They noticed the bruising on my hand and asked about it. I said it was from the car. Turns out its just suficialo bruising. pfft. Told you I was loser, cant even do that right. I need more. I need an escape. An exit way out.
Oh Kim, love you much. Hope hospital helps (I think you are very brave).
Much much love and super big hugs
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
i so hate it when stuff i try doesn't work. (I just totally edited myself so the moderators don't have to.)
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Well then sweetie, I hope it all goes well.
*big hugs*
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
