I found an old photo. Not that old but old enough that I had beautiful long hair and wasn't obese.
It reminded me of how disgusting I am. There is nothing right about me.
So I'm staring at this photo wondering if I should kill myself. Other options include colouring my hair back the way it was in the photo which is nice. Eventually I'm going to have to join some weight loss program because I've forgotten how to be a basic adult.
I can't stand myself like this. I can't. So I have to figure out if it is worth killing myself over but also when. I have something very important to do tomorrow that I don't want to leave without someone there. I don't feel like I can ever love and accept myself again and life is so hard going through each day like that.
But everything about me is wrong.
Last edited by Snow White. : 27-04-2014 at 10:55 AM.
It's not shit advice at all. Thank you for replying. It makes sense that this doesn't have to been this way forever and that weight can change. It feels so impossible though so I guess that is why I need some support. I might look into Jenny Craig this week after I get paid.
I've done a bit to stay busy today after I fell asleep for an hour in sadness. I printed photos for my tattoo which is giving me some hope at least because I am excited about that. The driving is still making me anxious but that's just part of it.
I will try and get the energy to dye my hair black again as well today. At least if I can do something positive around for my appearance it may help.
Hi chick just want to send hugs I know how u feel about ur weight it sucks have u tried slimming world I do it and find the support from groups and everything quite inspiring even if I've had a bad week they r there too support me and it's quite easy to follow
Thank you Carmen and Cheryl, and Ama, Anna and Beckie for the hugs.
I had a 'bad' day today. I want to say it was bad but in the morning I actually did really well and got some good feedback, something like a very enthusiastic "you have beautiful people skills." Then in my second thing for the day I did okay but my supervisor noted a part where I was supposed to show compassion I didn't at all, and I feel so bad and my thoughts quite spiraled there downwards to "I fail at everything". So I'm deliberately trying to remember the good feedback too.
Try to remember that you are doing the course to learn if you got everything 100% spot on from the start there would be no need to do the course. It's great you had some positive feedback and try to see the note as something to work.
I don't about you but for me my eating is heavily intertwined with my mental health and because of this there are times when it is not realistically feasible to be tackling it. Are you able to spot any patterns in your eating patterns? I find often one of the daunting things about changing my eating habits is the enormity of the task in my mind, it seems in possible and like I might as well give up die. But it doesn't have to be a mammoth task you can break it down, like you did with the phobias. Start with one healthier day a week, if that is too much a healthier evening or day time. Build it up slowly.
I found an old photo. Not that old but old enough that I had beautiful long hair and wasn't obese. It reminded me of how disgusting I am. There is nothing right about me.
Is it possible you have rose tinted glasses on whilst looking at that photo? I mean, I understand that your long hair and weight are important issues for you but photos don't say much about how a person is feeling or what they are accomplishing. Do you remember being happy then? Was that linked specifically to your long hair and weight? Is it possible that you are making a story up to convince you that you are disgusting now because that is how you feel?...and to give you the opportunity to berate and punish yourself further in a sort of "look you could be better than this" dialogue?
So I'm staring at this photo wondering if I should kill myself. I don't feel like I can ever love and accept myself again and life is so hard going through each day like that. But everything about me is wrong
I can relate to this. Perhaps not the exact situation or specific feelings you have around your appearance but that extreme thought process. I haven't overcome this yet myself, but I have found it important to start to reflect on what feelings I'm trying to avoid by leaping straight to suicidal thought - I have found that most of mine relate to feelings of shame....how about you? Do you think that you will love yourself again internally if you are perfect in appearance, behaviour and accomplishments externally?
but my supervisor noted a part where I was supposed to show compassion I didn't at all, and I feel so bad and my thoughts quite spiraled there downwards to "I fail at everything". So I'm deliberately trying to remember the good feedback too.
Well done you! That is seriously hard work you are doing trying to remember the good stuff when you feel like crap! As I said above, I can relate to catastrophizing small criticisms into feeling as though I'm a complete waste of space. Even when I can realise it, it doesn't always help me feel better....that something I'm having to accept - sometimes we're meant to feel crap in life to strive for more - and it's hard when we want to be perfect....I'm sure that links to the feelings of shame (perhaps?).
So I'm pretty deflated.
It is so hard when you try so hard and it doesn't always work out. It is so disappointing and disheartening. It is even harder being a student in this position and having to take constructive criticism - big power differences etc. Even in your future job, you're never going to do everything right and relate to everyone perfectly, the trick is being able to be okay with knowing your intentions are to do your very best. That's hard though, perhaps it will come with experience and time?
Weight can be a debilitating subject. I'm 'underweight' but not to the point I was a few years ago, and I hate myself for it. I feel like killing myself over it, which makes me feel stupid, but it's real to me. You don't have to feel ashamed for feeling that way.
I'm sorry to hear that you are disgusted with yourself.
Thankfully appearance is something that you can change so hopefully these issues can be resolved over some time.
Dying your hair and getting a tattoo are good steps forward.
Could you only keep healthy foods in your house. With my bulimia I find that very helpful. If you struggle with portion sizes you can get portion size plates which show you how much veg, protein and carbs you should have on your plate. You may find it helpful.
I don't know if you cook much but my mum had he hairy bikers diet recipe books. They contain proper easy to do meal, meals which you would ordinarily have but done in a healthier way. I've tried some and they are really nice.
I'm sorry to hear things are feeling so awful for you at the moment Aimee.
I agree with the advice above about the feedback you received from your supervisor, and I think trying to actively remember the positive feedback you got too is a really great idea, sometimes it's easy to focus only on the bad things! But as said, the course is to help you learn as well (or even just as reminders for the things you almost know but forget in the moment when you've got pressure on you!), that's the reason those topics and that feedback is included. Having 'beautiful people skills' is a brilliant quality to have though, you should be very proud of that feedback.
How are you feeling today? Take care of yourself xx
Thank you all so much for the support I really appreciate it.
Sarah you're right and it feels like a Mammoth task to me too. I have a psychologist appointment today so I'm going to ask her if we can really explore those thoughts and even though it might be hard I need to tackle this. I'm so much better now in terms of my fears so hopefully I will have the same success if we can do a similar thing with my weight.
CagedBird Thank you. Those are really wise words and provoked some good thoughts. You're right about the rose tinted glasses I mean I think I was happier but then I know I was struggling with my appearance still. I think my thoughts are linked to hopelessness. I'm going to try and work on this today in psych session.
Thanks Carmen.i did make a list in my head of some positive things to try and counteract my negative filter which was good to try.
Thanks Ames you're right this can be changed. I will try again the healthy foods. I can't afford any gym or classes and I think i need to start small by walking. I'll make some goals around that in therapy today.
Carmen gives a great suggestion there. Starting off small is still a massive step forward.
I'm glad you are going to try again with healthy foods. Try and get it into your head that it is not a diet it is a lifestyle change. Making sure you have plenty of fruit and veg in, for nibbling on when you feel like binging.
It might help to start planning out what meals you are going to have. If they are planned each day then you are less likely to reach for something naughty but somehow comforting.
It can be good to have set meal times.
How are you doing today?
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
Thank you both. Carmen the weather is still ok enough for me to give something like that a go :)
I told my psychologist that I wanted to do work on my thoughts about my body and she focused on the social anxiety aspect of people judging me for my weight. It was a really hard session though I did work hard at trying to stay present I was so anxious and tired that my brain got overwhelmed. Thankfully she knows my memory is bad and she writes down what my homework tasks/coping skills are. She noted I was much more anxious than usual and if it continued to discuss it with my psychiatrist.
So I have some good homework I'm going to try and do incidental exercise as my starting point and Ames likeyou said buy some easy meals. I told her I felt bad always buying take out after my many long days at uni and she said it was quite natural because I'm so tired my problem solving abilities are down (SO true) and I don't have the energy to make big meals.
I think I'm just exhausted, so every thing ever feels like way too much. Hoping I do okay at placement tomorrow. I feel so tired, I need a reset button.
Have you tried cooking larger quantities of food and freezing them for after uni? I do that if I have a long day at work.
Also, although I think getting the right balance between work and play is a lifelong job....but if you find you're so tired from uni, I'd listen to that and maybe do some more fun stuff or go for the walk to escape it all. If you're really tired, I often find it's a sign I need to listen to myself more carefully.
I need a safety plan for the weekend. I'm home alone for the next three nights. I weighed myself today and I'm higher than any weight before. I despise everything about myself. I am thinking of taking an overdose. It's really tempting.
I'm scared. I'm scared of it going wrong or feeling as scary as my last overdose. Maybe I should just cut myself and hurt myself instead. It won't kill me but. .. no I can't I've gone so long without doing that and what good would it do.
It was easter two years ago when I last saw my grandma. Maybe I can be with her again.
I'm really scared.
Last edited by Snow White. : 18-04-2014 at 11:48 AM.
*Hugs* Aimee- I'm hearing the struggle and how impossible it seems right now. What's scaring you so much today?
I hear so much hope in your posts a couple of days before. What's changed since then?
The build up of feelings can be debilitating I know. I hope you can keep safe. Can you talk about it here?
So she lights up a candle for hope to be found
Captive and blind by the darkness around
Each wave a promise, a new hope reborn
Sunrise consoles at the break of dawn
