I don't often come here...

[MrsCoulter]

But right now I'm not sure what else to do. My circle is getting smaller and smaller and I really don't have anyone to talk to apart from one friend who doesn't always have internet access.

My moods have been fluctuating as normal (as in they are always up and down but I am used to this) but the last week or so I entered a phase I had only experience a couple of times before - and I'm still there. I am hateful, I am paranoid that people are lying to me, I am feeding off people's misery and I want to hurt the people I like and love. I think sometimes this is worse than the usual depressive mood because it carries an anger so fierce I don't know what to do with myself and I just want to cry and cry and cry.

I don't want to be like this forever but I don't know how not to be.

[Snow White.]

This sounds like a really scary and difficult place that you're in right now, especially with the fierce anger and paranoia. I understand why you'd want to cry so much when faced with these overwhemling emotions.

Have you ever spoken to someone like a doctor or counsellor about this? That can be one way of expanding your circle of supports around you. We are of course here as well.

Can you think of anything that triggered this phase?Or have you been under a lot of stress?

[MrsCoulter]

Thank you for replying :)

I've been in and out with my doctors for the last ten years but since I moved 4 years ago my local CMHT told me I didn't fit their criteria for treatment and they suggested either going in for counselling (which I've tried in the past) or paying for therapy. Either way I would have to pay and because of BPD and outrageous spending, I have wracked up 10,000£ in debt on cards so all my wages goes on bills.

I have been thinking about volunteering somewhere to see if I can meet new people but half the time I just hate everyone.

I think it was triggered by my colleague and friend (one of the few) because she has decided to move onto another job. Now instead of reacting the usual way to this perceived abandonment (i.e. self harming, spending etc) I have turned my anger outwards, which is just as harmful. I have been horrible to her this week because all my resentment is coming out in one concentrated stream. When she was off the other day on annual leave I cleaned up our office and found stuff that she had been storing unnecessary and this sparked even more anger because I felt like she hasn't been doing her job correctly.

As ever with BPD the moods are rapid shifting and so I do not feel so bad today - however this is because I have not been to work and although I find myself getting aggravated with my parents, who I was with, it was not a bad day.

I think anger is what takes up most of my emotional range these days and there are just some times where something will cut the surface and all this anger will come hurtling out.


Sorry, didn't mean to give an essay lol, just nice to vent about this stuff on here as not many people in my 'life' who really get it.