Contains abuse - ***** im so screwed

[SamWhilleNorras]

For the last seven years I've done everything I could get my hands on. From ordinary pain killers to Vicodin and Oxi. Even some street drugs. Alcohol where I could get it. 4 days ago I started a total detox. Trying to flush my system out. I feel like ****. I've been vomiting and my pain has been increasing exponentially.
-lets get one thing straight. I was in real pain when it started and I still am.
Here's where it gets worse. Day 4. I'm shaking. I can't breath. And I've been hallucinating my dead exgirlfriend that hung herself in 2009.

[consequential]

It sounds horrendous, ,maybe you are shifting perceptions and not being mentally lucid.Hugs and hang in there.

[crazykat]

*Hugs* That sounds really difficult, are you receiving any support? Try hold on if you can, it will get better

[SamWhilleNorras]

I've got a couple friends that know and are trying to help but no one that has been through anything like this.. my cousin actually cried with how happy she was when I told her I was detoxing.

[SamWhilleNorras]

The pain in my knees is getting far worse than I thought possible, but with the obvious hallucinations, I was thinking that it might (at least in part) be another form of hallucination. Knees get worse. I see doc. Doc sees scars (I cut on my calves). Doc helps get me to help. Yes I am thinking that my iwn subconscious is trying to trick my active mind.. I'm not sure but I'd love to hear some of y'alls theories or ideas

[crazykat]

I think seeing the doctor would be helpful, whether it is a hallucination or actual physical injury they will be able to help. How are you doing otherwise?

[SamWhilleNorras]

I have my ups and downs (bipolar)
My ups are becoming more frequent, but my downs are getting worse. The past week I've been half a step from the proverbial edge. I cling to whatever I can. It's gotten pretty bad when it comes to asking people for help.
In other news my dad just found out I'm a cutter and didn't seem phased. He wasn't concerned in the slightest. :(

[crazykat]

What do you think makes it difficult to ask for help? I am sorry that you felt like your dad ignored it, perhaps he just didn't know how to react.

[SamWhilleNorras]

I think part of it is pride. Another part may very well be that in some corner of my mind- I don't want help: don't want to waste people's time, don't think I'm worth it, or think I'm beyond help.... morbid but true. This forum is the first thing I've ever done for serious help

[crazykat]

They are hard things to get past but I do believe that everyone is worthy of receiving help, that includes you

[SamWhilleNorras]

Thanks. Honestly even though I have some great friends I still feel alone. Im trying to get better. Slowly but surely... trying.
The detox pain has subsided. I'm still seeing Angela. I had a bit of a breakdown with a friend whom had just learned of Angela saying "I don't want to look away. I don't want to lose her again"

[crazykat]

That is good that your continuing to try that's all you can really do. Keep at it you will make it through

[SamWhilleNorras]

I feel like using oh so so bad. I have what I need in my house aand it is calling my name. I don't want to go back now....

[chameleon-boy]

Hi how is it going?
Going through the detox stage can be the most painful thing but once you get through it it will be worth it.

[Wonderland.]

Can you flush what you have in your house that you want to use?

It can be incredibly tempting having it so close to you.

Maybe give it to a friend to get rid of is another idea?

[SamWhilleNorras]

Chameleon boy- I'm beginning to remember what got me hooked. My joints feel like the cartilage was replaced with sandpaper.
Wonderwall- I need the drugs to remain stable. 2 antidepressants, plus migraine meds and all the pain meds for thest of my family. It's just a matter of abusing them.
Thing the third- feel really ashamed but I lost control last night and cut my calf all up. I know its stupid. I just couldn't stop myself...

[Wonderland.]

Can you keep the meds looked up in a medicine cabinet if you and your family need them.

Are your family aware of your drug abuse?

Sorry to hear you cut last night. Do you want to talk about what led up to it?

[SamWhilleNorras]

They can't be locked up without arousing suspicion. I only tell people I trust and quite frankly I don't trust my parents. Besides, mom starts chemo again next month. She shouldn't worry.
Any number of things could have beeen the breaking point. My depression is just worsening but if I up the meds again there's a good chance kidney and/or liver failure.
Also I could really use a couple hugs. I've spread myself too thin- I'm just exasperated. I spend to much time keeping the house running, my spare time is spent helping friends off proverbial ledges. Not like I sleep or anything like that.

[Wonderland.]

Its understandable that you don;t want to put more pressue on your mum.And like you say locking meds away may cause unwanted suspicion. You will just have to be incredibly strong if you are unwilling to get support for this.

Could you up the meds under the supervision of a doctor? - they can do bloods and check kidney and liver function regularly.

It sounds like their is a lot of responsibility on your shoulder right now and that can be hard to deal with.

Sleep is important but can be hard when you are depressed. Try and get a decent amount of sleep. And look up sleep hygeine, it's tips on how to get the bes chance of a restful nights sleep.

*offfers hugs*

[SamWhilleNorras]

The problem with going to a doctor is that It would also involve revealing everything I've worked so hard to hide...

Responsibility?pffft no. Im just taking care of mom and my lil brother and dog and keeping friends stable.

Fact of tje matter is that I'm an insomniac. Pills make it worse.