Confused about controlling guy

Kayliee · 03-04-2014, 12:53 AM

Ok so this guy is confusing the hell out of me he's so controlling of me and always asks who I'm seeing or dating baring in mind he has a gf he's 27 I'm 18 and he has a gf of a few years he get jealous and really mad when he sees me flirting with other guys or talking to other guys when I'm single ... He rings me often or texts asks me to see him and I have in the past but he always wants to kiss or wants more, I've told him were just friends and he put the phone down he seemed mad I'm just so confused I'm single he's not he had a gf their serious, i feel ****ing guilty talking to other guys this guy has the same friends as me too so it's not like I can cut contact with him easily :/

beautiful_seclusion · 03-04-2014, 03:58 AM

That's bordering on stalking to continue to contact you in an intimidating way and to express anger over things that he has no right to comment on. He has absolutely no right to tell you who you can talk to, and he has no right to continue to call/text you about seeing him when you've told him you don't want to be more than friends. I would say he is very possibly dangerous, as this is not normal behavior, especially since you aren't even seeing him. He would probably be far worse if you were ever in a relationship with him. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He is the problem; he tries to cheat on his gf and is also trying to control you. There are people out there who care nothing about others and will do anything to get what they want; and he sounds like one of those people from how he treats you and the fact that he tries to cheat on his gf, and with someone who has rejected him at that. Please do not trust him or let him talk you into anything. The fact that he's managed to make you feel guilty over talking to guys when you are single shows he is very manipulative. He is not worth trying to make happy in any way.

I really suggest you tell him directly and succinctly to stop calling or texting you. Do this in a text format (text, email, etc.) so you have proof. Also, don't delete any proof you currently have of his controlling behavior. If he continues to do it after being directly told to stop, get a restraining order. The fact that he's this controlling and you are not even in a relationship is very scary. I know it's awkward with mutual friends, but you need to protect yourself. People who think they can do this can become very unpredictable. If you tell him not to contact you outside of mutual friends, that keeps you from having to involve them in the situation and keeps him from commenting on who you're seeing, since I imagine he doesn't do this in front of them. And if you have proof you've said this, and he continues to harass you, then you have valid reason to get a restraining order. If your mutual friends don't support you at that point, then you might want to consider if they are really your friends. Because this behavior is under no circumstances excusable.

I'm sorry if I come across as really harsh; it just really worries me for you that he's being this controlling of you when you aren't even together. I've had situations with controlling guys, and I know it doesn't seem like they're a threat at first, but they really can be. The age difference is also telling, which I've also had a little experience with. When you're a lot younger than them, it's harder to not be intimidated by them. And they know this. They know they have more experience with people than you do, and that they can manipulate you more. In the U.S., if you were one year younger, it'd be illegal for him to ask you for anything sexual. I really think he sounds like a predator from the combination of things you've described. So please be direct with him, don't let him make you feel guilty, put your own protection first, and know that he is the problem and you have done absolutely nothing wrong. And if you have anyone at all that you trust to tell, do so, so that if things get out of hand, someone knows what's going on and can help you out.

Morpheus · 03-04-2014, 01:28 PM

From my experience with manipulating, controlling, jealous guys id say avoid. Dont take his calls, dont spend time with him on your own, ignore his texts, give him the cold shoulder when you cannot avoid him. People like him can do so much damage to you and there is a fine line between extreme jealousy and turning to violence in my experience. I was in a relationship witha similar guy for two and a half years and once you arecaught in the claws of a man like this, it is so hard to get out. I now live with traumas, flashbacks and anxiety. Feelings of no self worth and so on because of the abuse i suffered. So my advice is, get him out of your life as soon as possible. Dont let him talk you into doing anything with him, it will only make things worse. He clearly feels like he owns you and no person has a right to act that way and feel ownership of another person.

Kayliee · 03-04-2014, 01:46 PM

I totally agree with both comments thank you so much,I'm trying my best I always ignore his texts and calls now but it never stops then he'll go 'pffft ignoring me' then keep sending me messages like to make me feel sorry for him idk why some guys are like this is strange

Morpheus · 03-04-2014, 03:01 PM

Believe me, far from all guys are like this. My abusive ex made me believe his behavior was normal and blamed me for it. That i made him do it. However the boyfriend i had after him for almost three years (an ex now but still one of my best friends) was amazing, never treated me that way or showed jealousy. He trusted me and loved me and treated me with respect. The same with my new boyfriend. There are amazing guys out there. Dont let this idiot keep you from finding one of those

Also if you ask him not to contact you and he repeatedly continues, you can report him to the police. I did that with my ex as he would call constantly for hours in the middle of the night, terrorizing me etc. I also changed my phone number to a secret number. That is an option as well however if you do that, make sure to tell your common friends not to give it to him or leave him alone with their phones so he can find it himself.

Trucktastic · 03-04-2014, 04:09 PM

I agree with the above. There is no way you want to get involved in a man like that. Don't be confused, or feel guilty, that is what he wants - it shows power over you. So:
1. tell him to leave you alone
2. change your phone number
3. de-friend him on any social media sites
4. if he keeps on, save the text messages/voice mails, then contact the police

This is not your problem, it's his. He has to deal with it, and take responsibility for his actions. If that means deal with the police because he's the controlling stalker, then so be it.

Loz

High_Voltage · 03-04-2014, 11:28 PM

Not a great relationship to be in, hes completely controlling you or attempting to. I'd honestly cut the guy off if hes in a relationship he has no reason to get jealous over you or the guys you flirt with, I dont see the friendship getting any better honestly

Kayliee · 05-04-2014, 12:26 AM

I have blocked his numbers so I can't receive call or texts but he's on a different phone now and has me on what's app now he must be a psycho or something I'm doing my best ignoring him lol keeps sending me ':P' faces or stupid stuff

beautiful_seclusion · 05-04-2014, 02:00 AM

Have you told him straight out to stop contacting you? I know it's hard to confront him, but it's really important that you have proof in case it gets to the point that you need to contact the police/get a restraining order. I'm glad you're trying to avoid him; he is definitely not worth your time! Just please be careful; it's hard to tell when a person like this will become dangerous.

Kayliee · 05-04-2014, 09:10 AM

Yeah I did on the phone n he put it down now he's saying y u ignoring me wanna meet up like I've never ever met someone like this especially when he has a gf think ill change my number :)

beautiful_seclusion · 05-04-2014, 09:00 PM

Changing your number sounds like a very good idea. I've done that before and it generally works, as it gets the message across that you do not want to be contacted by him. If he doesn't stop though, don't hesitate to contact the police about harassment. He sounds very manipulative, as he's trying to make you look "crazy" by pretending you said nothing. But it sounds like you're doing a good job not falling for it and realizing he's the one has some serious issues. I hope he stops doing this; you don't deserve to be harassed at all. And good for you in being direct and not letting him intimidate you. :)

Morpheus · 06-04-2014, 10:47 AM

Also save every message he sents to you in case you need to contact the police so you have proof. Also the messages saying to leave you alone. That way you have the law on your side and even if he lies, which he most likely will if it turns into a police matter, you can show the messages etc. Also if he calls you can ask the phone company for a list of whom you recieve calls from. At least you can in denmark where i live. You may not need these things but its better to be safe if it should end up with the police.