Bipolar and Scared..

[OldBlackClown_Insane]

TW: mentions of cutting, suicidal thoughts and behaviors

I hate not being in control, and it's getting worse. Until last November I thought I was normal, that I was okay despite my cutting habits. But then, to put it bluntly, my whole world crashed down upon me and I was a knife point away from ending my own life. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, then eventually re-diagnosed and found to be bipolar. Thankfully my family interfered before I could, but now I'm away from school, away from everything I ever worked for and I am lower than I've ever been before.

Before this past week, the only way I've ever considered killing myself was by slitting my wrists and sitting in the bathtub until it all drained out of me, until I was gone. Since then I've written down a list of five different ways to kill myself and written out how to go about doing so--what I would need, when I could do it and not get caught in time. I've dreamed about doing such things, it's terrifying! Right now, obviously, my depressive mood is somewhat under control--but just barely. I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of a deep well, and that at any moment I could tip back and fall into despair again. Guys, I am so scared. I don't want to die--never have--I want to live. Truly live, but I can't keep the monster away.

How can I control my depressive side? It's all fine when I flip and I'm manic; even when I'm in that hollow place in between moods, I can control myself. The 'high' me can't even fathom the thought of ending it all, whilst my 'low' me thinks of nothing else.

I just...sorry, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with bipolar disorder, or how to...I just don't know. Sorry, I know I wrote a novel, but I'm crying as I write this I am so afraid...

[tiptoes]

Do you have any support with your moods?

I have bipolar II and predominantly get depressive episodes but am incredibly sensitive to antidepressants. I received some CBT a while ago which helped me deal with negative thoughts I get. When my mood gets low I also try to remind my self of my protective factors and remember all the time my mood has recovered from being low. It's a learning curve, some days I manage it better than others.

Sorry I don't have a great deal of advice but I recognise your pain.

[OldBlackClown_Insane]

Some, but not much. And unfortunately when I get really low I just am not receptive towards any help whatsoever.
Same here, I'm having trouble with medication management. I'm on two antidepressants right now, but they're not helping at all because I'm off of one of my meds. Can't get ahold of it until April, when my insurance kicks in. Hopefully it will help, but I just don't know...

No, you've been helpful. Thank you very much for replying; I feel better having someone to relate to on this, truly I do.

[Ktulu]

I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I have bipolar disorder also. The way my psychiatrist explained it to be me is this. Bipolar obviously has two poles, high and low. For me, it's much easier to control the highs. And by controlling the highs, you control the lows. So I take two mood stabilisers, lithium and lamictal. These work by stopping the highs, and if the highs are stopped so are the lows, or at least they are very much lessened. I cannot take antidepressants, they make me manic very quickly and very badly and it takes a long time to get back on an even keel. Have you spoken to your doctor about mood stabilisers? Certainly for me, antidepressants did not positively effect my mood, but the mood stabilisers have brought me back to my baseline. I haven't had a significant mood episode for over three years

Please talk to those around you, family, friends, professionals, and be open about about your feelings and needs. That's the best way to get help. Hope you're doing ok.

[OldBlackClown_Insane]

My highs have always been easier to control as well, and I am currently not on mood stabilizers. I've been prescribed Seraquil XR in the past, just haven't been able to get it since I currently don't have insurance. Maybe once I am able to get ahold of it it will help--at least, that's what I'm hoping for. At the moment, though, I can't rely on drugs to help me, which I know is why I've been having such a difficult time. :/
I need to do that, I really do. I just don't know what I need to ask them for help with. My therapist's best suggestion--unfortunately--was to consider hospitalization again until I can get all of my meds because I've been so suicidal. But without insurance I really can't afford to do that, either--nor do I think it will help. I agree, though; being more open with the people I live with would help, thank you for suggesting that and for replying.

Seriously, guys. You have no idea how grateful I am for all your help.

[tiptoes]

Hope you can get hold your meds soon.

Quetiapine has been the only medication to sort my moods out. Depending on how long ago you were prescribed the seroquel it might be cheaper as it's patent has run out fairly recently and now generics are available. I believe the standard release is cheaper than the modulated release (XR), not sure whether they are cheaper enough to be affordable though as I'm from the uk.

[OldBlackClown_Insane]

I don't see a psych, I get my meds from my GP, so naturally he doesn't have samples for psych meds. >< Does seeing a psych really help all that much...? Should I look into seeing one on top of everything else?
The OTC version of seraquil xr is lithium, I believe, which would unfortunately not be cheap enough nor is it something my mom nor my GP recommends for me. Which makes no sense but whatever...? Anyway, I don't know...my insurance kicks in sometime this week. I don't have much longer to hang in there, but god I just can't get out of this damn ditch...!

Sorry, I don't mean to be so bitter. I truly appreciate all of y'all's support, it's definitely giving me a list of things to mention to my therapist on Tuesday. If I make it that long without bashing my head in!

Ugh. Ignore me. Tonight was a rough night, just...ughhhh... T.T I'm just so done.

[Aubergine]

Lithium and Seroquel XR are completely different drugs. The generic version of Seroquel is quetiapine.

I'm sorry I can't be of much use, as I'm from the UK and am not up on US drug pricing.

[OldBlackClown_Insane]

I'm not comfortable with things, that's the thing. :/ Yeah, I'm thinking I'm going to talk to my mom and therapist about seeing a psych, because something's got to give when it comes to med management. Thanks for mentioning that, and yeah I meant generic not OTC. :P oopsies.. Sorry, my head is so mixed-up and confused right now...