Feeling confused

[happiness...its all a lie]

Hi

I haven't self harmed for over 3 years now and I don't have strong desires to do so. However lately I have been over emotional and just feel like crying doesn't help with the same release. I like to let myself cry and feel better but right now that's not doing enough for me and im feeling like I want to start again to feel that release again but I also know how hard it is to stop and how i don't really want to do it. I feel weird and confused. I feel like crying all the time and sometimes that makes me want to hurt :/

[High_Voltage]

3 Years is a huge accomplishment, congratulations on that, I know it's hard to think about the things cutting does and to not do it, but as you said, once you start again it's very difficult to stop, maybe you could take up a hobby? or when you're in a emotional state of mind you could maybe do something that you like to do whether that be draw or write or whatever that may be

[havealittlefaith]

Hi there well done on 3 years :) have you tried keeping a journal
To let your feelings out ? X

[happiness...its all a lie]

Thanks, I talk to my boyfriend and I do write stuff down. I have started going down to the harbour where I live as I find watching/listening to the water very calming and relaxing but sometimes I still feel really stressed and anxious. Like yesterday I got so worked up about being intimate with my bf because I was having a bad day and he was so calm about it but until I told him I just wanted to self destruct. I cant explain it. I think I crave the feelings it gave me but then I know it doesn't achieve anything if I do it.

[Pi.R^2]

Well done on your three years free, that's a fantastic achievement!

Have you ever found anything that feel close to the kind of release you got from self harming? Running really fast, going on a swing? I find the feeling of the wind pounding on my face is about as close as I get to feeling the release.

[fragile as glass]

To self harm again after 3 years would be such a shame. Can you remember what helped you to stop and if so can you still apply those techniques now? Life moves on and if what helped you 3 years ago does not help you now can you think of some new ways to help yourself? It sounds like you have some and crying can be a very helpful and safe alternative to self harm but it might be worth looking into why its not giving you the same level of relief now. x

[happiness...its all a lie]

I thought it was getting better and it is but my mum was really cruel to me at the weekend saying im overweight, she doesn't know my bf hes not manly or good enough for me and I shouldn't be with him. I love him dearly but now I feel guilty cause he makes me happy but my mum doesn't approve :/

[fragile as glass]

you can choose your friends but not your family as the saying goes. sometimes in life we have to choose what makes us happy if we want a life that we enjoy even if that choice seems to be the wrong or disloyal choice if im making sense. if he makes you happy and you love him i think thats your answer. im not saying dump your family but i am saying that although they may be the obvious choice that doesent necessarily make them the right choice. or is there a happy middle ground that you could reach?

my family when i knew them didnt approve of my best male friend but i chose his friendship over their approval. i lost them in the end but gained a loving boyfriend who is in my life to this day.

[happiness...its all a lie]

Well its a strange one because my dad and brother like him but my mum doesnt because hes shy and introverted. I cant explain it tbh. I want to be with him but knowing how my mum feels makes me feel bad cause im not pleasing her. I love him dearly and he wants to get to know my mum better but when she talks like that i dont want to take him round cause i know she will be making judgements on him.

All this builds up inside me and makes me want to cut i just need that release though and i know cutting would release that but its not helping at all

[fragile as glass]

cutting doesent solve or make better a situation, it only complicates it. does your boyfriend know what your mum is like towards him? maybe let him know and take him round. you never know, he may have a thicker skin than you realise and if he's pre-warned it may be water off a ducks back.

why is your mothers approval so important when you have the backing of your dad and brother?

[happiness...its all a lie]

I know it wont help or anything but why is it so tempting to do?
He doesnt know but he feels he isnt good enough for me even though hes perfect. Hes just been diagnosed with severe anxiety so i dont want to tell him as it will make him worry more. My mum also said well thats no good thats more problems for you. It doesnt bother me his issues we help each other through tough times.

Because i love my family and i love my boyfriend and i want everyone to be happy and to get on. I just feel like im a failure because my mum is so negative about him and how i am very happy with him but she disapproves. Im never leaving him she will just have to suck it up. Hes my world and i love him sooo much

[fragile as glass]

Don't change the way you want to live your life for anyone, you will only be unhappy. You could tell your mum that you are an adult and therefore able to make your own decisions and live with the consequenses and that you will not leave your boyfriend whatever she says. Then leave it at that. Be a daughter around your mother and a girlfriend around your boyfriend. Keep the two seperate for now but not a secret. Maybe that will help. I hope so.

Self harm is like a drug, it's addictive and it's tempting to you because you've done it before for whatever reason/s and it has in some way made you feel better. You are probably wanting that feeling of feeling better again with all thats going on and have not learnt a healthier way to do it so you crave what you know works instead of searching for something less destructive which is a good idea to do. x

[happiness...its all a lie]

Thanks for your advice I really appreciate it. Yeah I will do. My mum knows how I feel and im just going to keep my distance from her now until she realises. I am not going to put up with constant put downs from her. I spoke to my dad about it and he was disgusted with what she said. He is being very supportive and keeping an eye on me.

I do have less destructive things I can do but its not that same feeling and the way my mum makes me feel makes me want to destruct myself. She obviously doesn't think im good enough for whatever reason and it hurts me and makes me feel like im a bad person/failure which in turn makes me want to destroy myself.