I am driving the love of my life away...

Young Summers · 02-03-2014, 11:36 PM

Hey everyone,

This is my first actual post on here besides introductions. I have read a lot of these threads in the past through web searches for advice, but something happened last night that made me really think to myself, "I need help." and this forum immediately came to mind. Let me start from the beginning, though...

I have an incredible, supportive, handsome, funny, brilliant, hard working boyfriend who treats me like gold. He cleans around the house, sings to me, rubs my back when I'm tired, and is always waiting by the door for me when I get home from work to kiss me. He gets along with my parents and brother and they love him. He is always talking about us and our future together. Planning our life, starting a family, etc. He is genuinely the most wonderful person to ever come into my life....

....oh, and did I mention that he moved almost 800 miles to a city he didn't know to be with me? The man is an angel. The problem isn't with him. It's with me.

I have this horrible habit of going out and getting completely hammered and then picking fights with him. It's happened 5 times in the last 2 months. I get paranoid and insecure and worry that he doesn't love me. Last night was the worst it's been though. Last night, he almost left me and I would not have blamed him. He was angrier than I have ever seen him, I questioned his love for me in front of my friends and mentioned my EX (which I don't even realize I do, apparently relatively often. I don't mean anything by it.) with him standing right next to me. He got incredibly angry. We fought all the way home. Fought in front of our roommate who was trying to diffuse the situation. Fought in the kitchen while I made dinner. We fought all the way until we went to bed, where he told me he loved me and kissed me good night, even though I had been as miserable and horrible as possible. That's when I realized, I almost lost the love of my life to petty insecurity. It was a HUGE wake up call.

So, last night I decided to stop drinking. As soon as I realized that I had almost driven him away, I knew something had to be done. I could not bare to be without him. If giving up drinking is what I have to do for our future, then that's what I will do.

I want this relationship to last. I don't want to be without him ever and now that he is in my life, I don't even know how I made it this far. I want to marry him. I want to wake up next to his beautiful face every day and fall asleep looking at it every night. He is my best friend. He has made me a better, more responsible person. He has opened my eyes to new experiences, taught me new things. He is the one I want to father my future children. I am tearing up just writing this haha

I guess now the bigger questions are:

How can I balance my insecurities and just accept the fact that he loves me? How can I stop picking fights with him and be less defensive and skeptical?

Any advice or comments is appreciated. I am really desperate.

Thanks so much, everyone.

Ginger

sherlock holmes · 03-03-2014, 11:11 AM

Hi Ginger,

I'm glad that you have come to the realisation that you want to stop drinking in order to stop fighting with your boyfriend. I think that's a great first step!

I think it's important to keep in mind that although you've made this decision you'll still probably get the urges to drink or pick fights. Don't be scared if you do. It's going to take time to learn to deal with those urges.

It would be really helpful if you could think about what was driving you to get drunk in the first place. It could be your insecurity- then you'd need to work out why you get so insecure, and what you can do to lessen that.

It might be a good idea to find someone you can talk to about this, who can help you deal with your feelings so that you don't need to drink to cope with them. Perhaps you could see a therapist or counsellor?

I have similar insecurities. I am in a long term relationship with my boyfriend, and sometimes I find it really hard to accept that he loves me and I convince myself he'll leave me for someone better. I think I do this because I still don't like myself and therefore find it hard to believe anyone else could like me.

I think the key to sorting this type of insecurity out is to learn to love yourself. I'm trying to do this by feeling better about my body- I eat healthier so I stop feeling so sluggish, I exercise a couple of times a week to get the endorphins flowing which make me feel better (nature's own antidepressant!), when I look in the mirror I try to think about the things I like on my body rather than the things I don't like, doing relaxation to feel chilled out. I'm also in treatment for my mental health issues which is helping me feel more confident and giving me ways to deal with my worries other than self harming or feeling insecure.

I think also you should sit down with your partner and have a good talk. Communication is key in relationships. Ask him how he feels, how your behaviour makes him feel. Tell him you have recognised that what you're doing is hurting him and that you want to change. Think of things you can do together in order to heal your relationship.

~SuNsHiNe~ · 06-03-2014, 12:04 PM

For what it's worth, I can completely relate to the insecurity you are describing. What I have found helpful has been schema therapy and talking to my psychiatrist and psychologist - my bf also gives me a lot of reassurance and is amazingly supportive, but what I have learnt is that this doesn't necessarily help as much as it should when I'm feeling insecure and lacking self confidence. I think it's really positive that you have recognized that you were pushing him away and are taking steps to address that - realising it is half the battle I reckon! Then it's just a matter of challenging those thoughts as they arise, which I know is easier said than done (it's something I'm still working on myself)... But persevere cos you deserve to be happy:)