Contains sexual abuse - Flashback about seeing a police - Muru's Story

[Muruluisku]

I know I should try and start therapy as soon as a place comes available to me before I go completely crazy. Only every time I think of being trapped in a therapy room with a stranger I get really scared. I remember mum leaving me in this big room with a police woman, who asked me lots of questions.*

I have asked my mum about this memory before, and mum explained there was some kind of police investigation going on in the neighbourhood. They invited all the children in the neighbourhood to a one-to-one police interview. This was early 90s and I was six at the time and it was the summer *I was due to start my pre-school (in Finland, where I lived my childhood, kids don't start formal education until they're seven).*

**************************TRIGGER WARNING***************************

I have never been to a police station before, but mum says it's okay and that the police lady will be nice. We wait in the waiting room and there are some other kids waiting too, they seem older than me. When my name is called mummy takes me by the hand and walks with me into the big room. Mummy leaves me there, and the police lady says I can play with the toys that are laid out on the floor.*

I start making a puzzle and the lady talks to me. I don't want to listen, I want to focus on getting the puzzle pieces right. Then she comes to sit next to me, she has some dolls on her lap. I don't want to play with dolls, I don't like them because baddie uncle likes dolls and says I look like one. The baddie uncle hasn't been to see me for a while because I have been so good. Mummy said only yesterday how good I was dragging the laundry out of the machine and by the washing line ready for mummy to hang. The line is too high for me to reach to hang the washing, but I can do most other jobs. If I can't do a job because I'm not big enough then that doesn't count as being bad, does it?*

The lady starts taking the dolls' clothes off and says they are special dolls, like a real man, woman, girl and a boy. She asks if I can tell which is which by looking at their bodies. I say nothing, I want my mummy. Why did she leave me here? The lady says sometimes adults like to play certain games with children, she shows with the dolls *what she means by that. I know what she is doing, the baddie uncle does that to me. I am really really scared now, the lady takes the woman doll and does things to the little girl doll. I stare at the floor and say nothing although the lady asks lots of questions. If the lady finds out I know how to play those games, she will surely take her clothes off and mine and want me to play with her. I mustn't utter a word, I will keep very still and quiet and she won't find out. And then I haven't broken the promise not to tell and the baddie uncle won't come to hurt me either.*

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That's all I can remember, appart from the panick and the total, all consuming fear of having to say something to the lady and what would happen if I did. When I asked mum whether she can remember anything about this, she got very upset and said my year of silence started from that police interview. I was mute for a year throughout my preschool, not that I can remember that part really... But all my pre-school reports that are in my keepsake box say I appear otherwise within the normal development, but remain mute. Pretty much same sentence in each report. Mum said she was never told what the investigation was about but, that when I came out I was deathly pale and wouldn't utter a word. Mum said, that when I didn't start talking she took me to our GP, a pediatrician and a speech therapist but nothing helped. She blamed the police.*

I don't remember being mute, and I don't remember much about my pre school time. I have some vague memories of the pre school teacher taking me into the little guiet corner to do some tests or games with a doctor who had come to see me especially. I didn't want to be alone with strangers in case they wanted to play with naked dolls or with my body, but I don't think I would have said as much, being mute as I was.

I started talking again on my first year at real school when I was seven. I guess it helped that my teacher didn't pay any special attention to me and I felt safe, part of the group. I remember after the first few weeks of school the teacher talked to each parent and child together encouraging the child to tell the parent about their day at school. When she came to us I remember speaking out loud answering with one word sentences to everything that the teacher prompted me to say. I remember mum cried, and the teacher said to me it was happy crying and that mummy liked to hear me tell her about my day. I felt happy and important.*

On the way back home I remember asking mum if I looked like a baby doll. She said I didn't, because I was a big girl now starting school and I wasn't a baby anymore. I remember feeling such relief and knowing I could forget all about the baddie uncle now, he would not come to hurt me anymore as I didn't look like a baby doll.. That's why he hadn't been to hurt me for a long long time. I don't think I ever saw him after the interview with the police. All I needed to worry about was thunder, because I knew that could make people bad, people like my daddy who I loved and who otherwise was good. But I also knew that I loved my new teacher and my new big school.*

I really don't know how to make myself go into a therapy room with a therapist I don't know and who directs all their attention to me...

<3: Muru

[Muruluisku]

Thanks for the hugs guys *feeling comforted*

<3: Muru

[Laura2.0]

Hi Muru,

I completely understand that therapy is scaring you. Do you have a close friend that could come with you? Sometimes they let someone else join a session if someone is really scared.
When I started therapy I was scared and it was really hard for me to say anything. It took me 9 weeks in hospital until I managed to offer a little bit on information without being specifically asked (and me usually just not saying anything).

Also want to add, that it is brave to write about your memory in such detail here.

[Muruluisku]

Thank you for your kind understanding Laura. My friend came to visit me last night. He's the only guy I've ever felt comfortable hanging around with and we were quite close until he moved to Australia. He came back last week because he decided to look for another job here in the UK. Seeing him for the first time after two years was so good, I could only cry and hug him for a long time.

He said I looked thinner, sadder and worn out with huge darks under my eyes (embarrassing) and he wanted to know if I was ill... I wanted to stop lying and pretending so I told him a little, no details but he got the idea... And he didn't run away! I feel so amazed that he didn't. So, when my therapy starts maybe he could come to the therapy room with me for the first few times at least.

He has rented a flat only about half a mile down the road from my flat, and he invited me to his place for a Sunday roast this afternoon so I can help him clean the flat and unpack his stuff and make the flat a bit homelier he says... And when I said I don't think I could walk to his place, he wasn't faced at all and said he'll come and pick me up and we'll walk together.... I really hope I can do that, I don't want to disappoint him by not going or make a scene on the road by having a flashback and leaving my body.

The weather is so unpredictable at the moment...all my weather apps say there's a chance of showers... I just really worry about thunder storms, they trigger me so bad... And make me scared of everyone, including him because I always get a feeling that thunder in the air could make even good people do bad things. But I guess a chance of showers is different to a chance of thunder?

<3: Muru

[Laura2.0]

Yes, a chance of showers is definitely different to a chance of thunder.

Sounds like an amazing friend and you should definitely go with him to his flat. Unpacking things and just spending time with him will probably take your mind of all the bad things that are going on for a while. And asking him to come to your sessions sounds like a good idea to me, he sounds like a person who would do that.

[Muruluisku]

Thank you for the encouragement Laura *hug*

On Sunday I couldn't do it... He came to collect me and we walked as far as the end of my street and I couldn't help checking the clouds which were quite dark and I just froze :(

He had to shake me back into my body and then I told him I needed to go back home so we did... He was really good though, I said to him I'd be okay but he didn't want to leave me alone. He went back to his flat for a bit, and came back with ingredients for the roast he planned to make and we cooked it in my flat instead.

I told him I had to get some medication from the pharmacist this week... It's practically next door to his flat, so we agreed that on Thursday on his morning jog on the way home he'll come past my flat and we'll walk over to his flat for breakfast. Then as soon as the pharmacist opens, we'll go and get the medication and if I feel up to it I can come back to his flat for a bit, or he can walk me straight home.

I'll try my hardest to be good and do that on Thursday...I just went to my garden for a while today.

<3: Muru

[Laura2.0]

Even though Sunday didn't work out as you planned, you were trying and it is ok to turn around and go back to safety if you are getting too scared or you freeze up like that. Your friend sounds really nice and supportive!
I know how hard it is to try again when something didn't work out as planned, but it is worth it in the end. And going to your friends flat for breakfast on Thursday is another try, plus there is no pressure to stay after you went to the pharmacy so you can decide if you want to stay or not spontaneously and depending on how you are feeling.

[Muruluisku]

Thank you Laura for staying so positive for me *hug*

Yesterday I did it, I got out the house with my friend, had some breakfast at his place and then went to get the medication with him. Then we walked back and we sat in my back garden for a bit before he went off to speak to some job agencies.

To be more accurate though, it was my body that did all that... I think my mind stayed in the flat because my body felt numb and I can't remember any of the conversation that I assume we would've had when I was with my friend. So, If I don't dare to stay in my body when outside of my flat, what's the point in pushing myself to do it? But... I got my medication now for another week so that's good :)

<3: Muru

[Patent Pending]

Hey honey,

Sorry I haven't really been around to reply to your threads for a while.

I think you're doing amazingly well, and I'm so happy your friend is being so good about everything. It sounds like he's really understanding and I hope he helps you with all this.

I think it'd be perfectly acceptable for him to come to the first few sessions with you, or sit outside in case you need him if you want. Remember, you don't need to be 'trapped' in the room with the therapist, a lot of them have outside doors so the one to the room can remain open, it might be worth asking about, if that would make you feel safer.

Well done for going to his flat and getting the medication with him. I think it is important to keep trying to do these things; it might start with your mind being elsewhere and your body doing these things, but slowly you'll realise it is safe and your mind will be able to dip in and out...then progress into being there itself. For example, when I started counselling I had to start talking in third person to tell them what happened to me, then I was being able to replace some of the '...happened to Katie' with '...happened to me' and slowly the balance tipped towards saying more 'me's until I could say it all happened to me - if that makes any sense, sorry my brain isn't too great at the moment.

Take care, and I'm always just a PM away if you need to talk <3

x x x