I don't understand how BPD originates. I understand the 'definition' according to the DSM, I understand others' experiences with it, I understand my own. I am going to try to unscramble things here. Please don't jump on me for this.
It says that most people with BPD have had a trauma in their childhood. Does that mean that BPD occurs before or after the trauma? Are they linked? Is there a causation?
I think that I am fundamentally evil and bad. Common with BPD, apparently. But then, maybe if I was born with BPD in my system, that makes me evil because it was something I was born with, that I have no idea how to shake and it keeps jeopardising everything. I have no idea which thoughts are mine and which are not and I swear everyone is getting sick of me.
It's something that is growing within my mind and is replacing the original reason I thought I was evil (past stuff).
I don't know, I'm so confused.
I believe BPD also occurs because of the trauma or neglect or unstable attachments that breed poor coping mechanisms. I don't know about your particular trauma or situation but people generally experience borderline related behaviors because as a child they didn't get a chance to develop healthy coping mechanisms or even sometimes learn the ability to validate their own emotions and experiences. Sometimes this means people can't label their emotions or allow themselves to feel them.
This is just my understanding of it.
I might be wrong but it sounds like you're internalizing what has happened to you as your fault but I don't believe this to be the case-people are not born with evil. It sounds like you went through a very painful experience that you didn't deserve. Maybe someone hurt you and made you believe it was your fault, so you carry the guilt for them. If so, that is what they did to try and alleviate their guilt at doing something bad.
I hope you're okay.
I used to think I was fundamentally flawed but I don't any more.
Last edited by Snow White. : 24-02-2014 at 10:39 AM.
So it's more like learned behaviour? Pattern of thinking?
I read somewhere that children with BPD are difficult, which would mean that I caused my parents to respond how they did. That would mean that I was the trigger, rather than them.
It's so hard because I analyse every situation after experiencing it and always end up thinking that the other person will now hate me. It's like a black fog that surrounds me and traps me and it is true fact and, even if I try to think about what evidence I have to support that opinion, I can't shake it out. It makes me want to never see anyone ever again. I have absolutely no idea how to stop it.
People make those with BPD out to be detestable, attention-seeking human beings. I don't understand why people do that. Whenever I read anything about the diagnosis, that's always what my thoughts say.
Apparently I am getting too caught up in over-thinking all of this but I can't stop thinking and I need this straight in my head somehow.
I'm glad that you don't think you're fundamentally flawed anymore.
BPD has many causes, all of which are not concrete in the development of BPD, nor is there a 100% shared cause for every single person who suffers from it.
These include:
genetics – genes you inherit may make you more vulnerable to developing BPD
neurotransmitters – these are ‘messenger chemicals’ used by your brain to transmit signals between brain cells. Certain neurotransmitters can have a significant effect on mood and behavior
neurobiology – this term describes the structure and function of your brain and nervous system. It appears some people with BPD have a number of regions in the brain with abnormal structure and function
environmental factors – events that happened in your past appear to play an important role in BPD
These are explained in more detail below.
Genetics
Currently, the strongest evidence that genetics may play a role in BPD is research that studied twins.
One study found if one identical twin had BPD, there was a two-in-three chance that the other identical twin would also have BPD.
Neurotransmitters
It is thought people with BPD have altered functioning of a neurotransmitter in particular that is called serotonin in their brain.
Altered serotonin activity in the brain has been linked to depression, aggression and difficulty in controlling destructive urges.
There is also evidence that people with BPD also have altered functioning of two other neurotransmitters, called dopamine and noradrenaline, that may be associated with emotional instability.
Neurobiology
Researchers have used MRI scans to study the brains of people with BPD.
MRI scans use strong magnetic fields and radio waves to produce a detailed image of the inside of the body.
The scans revealed that in people with BPD, three parts of the brain were either smaller than expected or had unusual levels of activity.
These parts were:
the amygdala, which plays an important role in regulating emotions, especially the more ‘negative’ emotions such as fear, aggression and anxiety
the hippocampus, which helps regulate behavior and self-control
the orbitofrontal cortex, which is involved in planning and decision making
Problems with these parts of the brain may well contribute to symptoms of BPD.
The development of these parts of the brain is affected by your early upbringing also.
These parts of your brain are also responsible for mood regulation, which may account for some of the problems people with BPD have.
Environmental factors
A number of environmental factors seem to be common and widespread among people with BPD.
These include:
being a victim of emotional, physical or sexual abuse
being exposed to chronic fear or distress as a child
being neglected by one or both parents
growing up with another family member who had a serious mental health condition, such as bipolar disorder or a drink or drug misuse problem
A person's relationship with their parents and family has a strong influence on how they come to see the world and what they believe about other people as well as themselves.
Hope the above has explained what it is you are looking for regarding causes of BPD.
A lot more testing and research has to go into this, because the causes can range for one person, and be completely different for someone else, hence why it is so difficult for someone to say "Yes, your BPD is caused 100% by this."
I was diagnosed with BPD aged 18, then at 21 diagnosed bipolar with traits of BPD. I was never abused and never had any trauma in my childhood.
I think for me I developed BPD because as a child I probably did not learn to deal with my emotions properly. I had a happy childhood, but I did have a traumatic birth (which I don't personally remember but might have had an impact) and my parents both have mild mental health problems so I probably learned some behaviour from them.
I used to think that I was bad and evil for having a personality disorder. I don't think that any more. It's an illness at the end of the day, and one you can recover from (yes, you CAN recover from BPD) and since being in hospital and doing DBT I have made a lot of improvement. I also have got better as I've got older. As you have more experiences in life you learn to deal with things better. A lot of people with BPD actually just grow out of it by their mid adulthood.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
Thanks - these comments are all really useful. I think I've been in denial regarding BPD for a long time and have experienced discrimination (last September I went to hospital for an OD, the nurse rang Crisis Team who said I had BPD, despite me never having been diagnosed by a psychiatrist, or even seeing one - I am currently having the complaint dealt with). Having BPD seems a scary prospect because, for me, it makes me feel as though I shouldn't be feeling certain things? Today, for example, I felt very angry and I couldn't work out whether that was a valid feeling, given the situation, or whether it was completely irrational. In the end, I cut, and that helped, and maybe part of the problem is that I am over-analysing everything, I don't know!
I hate emotions of any kind and will go to great lengths to avoid them. I surpressed them for years. Now, they all seem to come at once, I can't label them, feel guilty and worried about having them and then everything melts down.
I do have a couple of people around me that understand me very well and they are all incredibly patient, especially when I get very paranoid and push them away. They're good at stopping me doing that, regardless of the anger I present to them. It's just annoying because things are happening very slowly... they say I'm impatient but obviously life fixes should happen instantaneously! :P
Maybe it's kind of, for me, about awareness but not too aware? I don't know. I didn't know BPD was genetic or that it altered the brain's functions. I am currently on mirtazapine but that's more for sleep than anything else. I'm not sure if BPD can be helped with medication? I've heard it's more helped via DBT (I am currently on my second session of psychotherapy) but can medication have an impact? A mood stabiliser?
I think I probably think too much but I like to understand things! I also type to much but whatever, it's all good.
I understand fearing and being in denial at having BPD - It is one of the most common mental health disorders, but it also has massive stigma's surrounding it, which in turn prevents a lot of people from getting actual help and support because they feel shame and such or are fearful of discrimination / stigma / being attacked / etc.
At the end of the day though, BPD is as much deserving of support and help as any other disorder, despite the stigma, it is an illness, it affects people massively, and people forget that this disorder is so misunderstood and the people who suffer with it are just that - suffering.
10% of people with BPD end their lives, more than 75% have attempted suicide - I also think people forget this as well, that this illness can strip you of absolutely everything, and make you feel suicide is the only way out, because it feels as if you are in Hell when you suffer with BPD.
But if you flip the coin - many people with BPD CAN improve with the symptoms they struggle with, both medication and certain therapies can definitely help.
Not just that, but for those who struggle with quite severe forms of this illness, there are specialist units and they can help even the most severe symptoms with BPD, and people CAN get better with coping with their symptoms and also coping with day to day life, to a point where they are in such a better place, able to function more, able to say they can experience true happiness again, relationships are improved, self damaging behaviors are reduced or completely gone, etc.
People with BPD tend to over analyze things, too, so you are not alone in doing that, even those without BPD can do this, too.
People with BPD also engage in self destructive behaviors, especially self harm(cutting, burning, other forms of self harm) - but again, this symptom can also improve over time with certain therapies and some medications have been proven to help with this symptom, too, so you are far from alone in feeling that cutting helps you, but in the long run, it makes things that much worse.
"it makes me feel as though I shouldn't be feeling certain things?"
You are entitled to feel anything you feel, having BPD does not mean you shouldn't feel certain emotions, but it can mean that your emotions/feelings are much more intense than other peoples, and last longer than other peoples, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't feel whatever you feel lovely.
Suppressing emotions is quite counter productive, sometimes we cannot help suppressing them, we maybe avoid them on a sub conscious level, or consciously try to avoid them, suppress them, etc, but in the end, it makes it that much worse when you do start feeling the emotions you are trying to avoid feeling.
In the short term, it does help to avoid emotions, but in the long term, they come up much more intense and kind of like a volcano, you bury them and bury them, until eventually, any and every emotion just explode.
Do you know why you hate having any emotions of any kind?
Is it because if you allow yourself to feel things, they could become too intense?
Or they are too much to cope with?
Overwhelms you?
Or is there another reason why you hate emotions of any kind?
I am very glad you have people who understand, it is always good to have people who are compassionate with you about your struggles, and understand you.
There is a lot of research still needed on BPD regarding how it affects the brain, there are studies proving that people with BPD have brain dysfunctions and irregularities, but still need more research done on this to understand BPD more and how better to treat it.
Medication + therapy is the best treatment of BPD, medication can indeed have an impact, but therapy is also very crucial in treating BPD, such as DBT or other therapies that can be helpful, medication alone will not be as effective so they do recommend therapy alongside medication.
I am like you, I think too much and also like to understand things as much as I can. :P
I think the stigma is probably why I have denied it for so long. I would admit to having it, were there not stigmas. It's written everywhere, even in the DSM-5, and that's supposed to be the most up-to-date, so it's just, I don't know, it makes me infuriated. I did the calculations the other day and, based on the 10% statistic and the UK population, it would mean that 32,000 people died because of this, and I don't get why it's then okay to stigmatise something like that. Or anything. But on this matter for now.
I do engage in self-destructive behaviours. I overdosed yesterday and the time before that was probably the Sunday before last. I get it into my head that if I don't overdose, something bad will happen to other people and that I am evil, therefore I need to. It's like something in my head screams at me to do it - sounds weird but it's like another person, she has a name, though she is not another person, she is me. But it's like being shouted at constantly, though it isn't voices. It's complicated.
When I do SH or whatever, it's either something I plan where I set a date (OD) and it's weak if I don't do it. Sometimes though, I can be doing something else and then something might happen and five minutes will have passed and I'll have already overdosed, without even thinking. Other times, I don't remember - though I am holding off that for now - but apparently I get dissociated, which is hard to fight because people expect you to simply 'take responsibility'. I hate hate hate people who use that phrase.
Emotions-wise, I had to surpress them when I was a child because there was so much shouting I figured that if I hid them, people could hurt me - but I think, as well, it was that I wouldn't have to deal with the emotions. All whilst growing up I didn't want people to hurt me so I tried to surpress the emotions, first with hitting and stuff, then with cutting/food/ODing.
When I do experience an emotion, it's generally everything all at once. If something upsets me, it has to be everything. It cannot be that thing, if that makes sense. I'm kind of an all or nothing person.
Apparently I see people in a black and white sense too, which is why I struggle to always know what to say in social situations (and talk too much to make up for that!) and become sensitive to other people and I panicked when I was in a relationship once because I became convinced there were meant to be 'rules' to follow or something. I've steered clear of relationships again! It feels a lot of pressure!
Thanks for your response. It's really well thought out and helpful :) And thanks for taking the time to reply to my post, all of you.
You aren't alone in the fact that you deny having BPD because of the stigma,
I completely understand that,
and hopefully the stigma surrounding BPD will reduce as more research is done on BPD,
and awareness for those who do not suffer from it,
also awareness for people who DO suffer from BPD,
because it can be very useful/helpful to understand exactly what BPD is,
that way you can understand yourself better.
"I get it into my head that if I don't overdose, something bad will happen to other people and that I am evil, therefore I need to. "
This is very much a part of what many with BPD struggle with, too.
It can also be a sign of OCD,
if you harm yourself to,
in your mind,
prevent something bad happening to others.
The obsession is - fearing something bad will happen to others.
The compulsion is - harming yourself to prevent this from happening.
I can't diagnose you with anything, just suggesting it may be something to look into with professionals.
People with BPD struggle with feeling they are evil, too.
Therefore feel harming themselves is kind of a punishment for feeling you are evil/bad person/etc.
Again, it is very common to struggle with this, so you are not alone at all lovely.
I am sorry you feel so badly about yourself.
But know that you are not alone, and people are here for you, including myself.
"It's like something in my head screams at me to do it - sounds weird but it's like another person, she has a name, though she is not another person, she is me. But it's like being shouted at constantly, though it isn't voices."
To me, I understand this 100%,
because I struggle with this as well,
as do many others who suffer from BPD,
so this is not something you are alone with, either lovely.
I struggle with voices in my head, too,
it feels like someone is screaming, screeching,
and it can be extremely distressing when it is really bad.
A lot of people with BPD say the exact same thing you have just said above.
It can be incredibly difficult to cope with this,
so it is always good to have distractions or certain people who can support you at that time, things that help you cope with this better in place so when it is really bad,
you are prepared with things that can help you.
I know for me it can cause me to go into kind of an "episode",
so just know I understand,
and I am here if you want to talk about this, too,
or anything really!
When you say about minutes passing, and already have done something, without thinking,
that is most likely the impulsive side of BPD.
You don't think, you just act.
And dissociating is very common with BPD, it is also a symptom, too.
I feel the same way about the phrase "take responsibility"
- it is easier said than done.
Plus, when you are trying your absolute hardest,
even then,
you can still struggle massively,
and engage in self destructive behaviors,
or dissociate
[this is majority of the time done on a subconscious level,
so you don't even realize it is happening sometimes],
or become impulsive,
or become extremely emotional,
have "episodes",
etc
- sometimes it is out of our control.
However, that is why certain therapies and medications can really help with trying to control things and ourselves better,
and cope better with our symptoms/struggles,
and helping you to function better.
I completely understand the need to suppress emotions when you were a child due to what was happening for you then.
Of course, you will suppress emotions to avoid being hurt, it can become a subconscious thing, when you just do it automatically because you've become so used to it.
But, the down side to this,
is that because you continue to suppress emotions,
they will all explode all at once.
Even if it was something small that triggers it,
absolutely every and any emotion will arise and it can be extreme and intense and uncontrollable and very distressing.
That's why certain therapies can help you learn vital skills in coping with these things.
That's mainly what a lot of therapies are about in treating BPD.
Teaching us skills and learning these crucial and important skills to help us cope with our symptoms or the struggles we are experiencing and apply these skills to our life.
Medication can be very useful and helpful too,
majority of people I know who suffer with BPD are on one or more medications
and they say that they have helped them massively,
medication has been proven to help with symptoms with BPD [again, more research is needed on medication and BPD, but it has been proven in many studies to help BPD symptoms] ,
but treatment recommends that it is crucial to have certain therapies alongside medication, too.
Black and white thinking is also another symptom and one of the most common difficulties people with BPD struggle with.
Also, social situations can be difficult for us, too,
so you aren't alone with all of these difficulties lovely.
No need to thank me either for replying to you :)
I'm happy to reply to you,
support you if you need support,
or someone to listen,
someone who understands, etc.
<3
I also think there is a lot that we can do to manage the symptoms more effectively. Yes BPD is a bio social condition but that doesn't mean there aren't steps that can be taken to improve things, even without professional input. For example trying to work out why you may be acting a certain way ('because I feel ****') is probably true but also a cop out in some ways. Why do you feel ****? What do you want from SHing/ODing etc? If its to die then are you sure you'll die or are you expecting to go to hospital/seek help? If the latter then is dying relly what you want or are you trying to show how bad you are feeling and ask for help? Etc etc.
I do understand it is incredibly difficult and BPD can make people lose control etc but slowly you can learn to have some more control. Especially if you see your diagnosis as just a part of you, rather than defining you. Someone with epilepsy or asthma won't 'be' their conditions. In the same way BPD does not define you, or excuse certain things. Therapies like DBT/MBT or even STEPPS can be really helpful with learning to take back control and manage symptoms so that less of your life is taken up by BPD.
I think a lot of people like to try and shove it into the box of being caused by trauma. This isn't necessarily always the case. Personally I believe I was born with BPD and my family can remember me showing traits from the age of 4 years. I don't think it makes you evil if you were born with it just as someone born with diabetes wouldn't be considered evil for that.
I just wanted to say that I shy away from services and asking for help because of stigma too.
My CC has said a few things and made a few assumptions based not he stigma of my Dx and now I don't ask for help when I need it (which also gets me in trouble so I can't win). When I go to MH groups and workshops and we do intro's a lot of people include their Dx in that, I never do. I just say my name, and that I like cats and tea.
I also don't go to A&E because of it, unless I'm dragged there by police, therapist, etc, and EVEN then, you can get stigma related comments which is why I always try my best to refuse.
Some people in my care have been good about it, but the people who I feel are judging and misconceiving my actions and motives makes me run out of frustration and shame.
I only talk about my actual Dx with my carer/partner and if someone knows it already but no-one else. I always hide my Dx label if I can.
