I did it, I went to to see the therapist and let her assess if I could have therapy to work out all the problems and effects that all the baddies had on me. My friend came along and sat outside waiting for me and we went for a walk in the park after (one rare day that it hasn't rained and the sun is out!)
I struggled with my words, but I had written down the main bits. She was happy to just read it when I lost my words.
She said she thought I might have "Complex PTSD". I've heard of PTSD but not about the complex part... It sounds bad... Like it will be really hard and complex to get better from it?! She didn't really explain what it meant, and I was too overwhelmed with having to be there shut in the room with her that I didn't ask.
She said she might be able to see me herself... That would be good so I didn't need to start from scratch with a new person. She said the waiting list was likely to be 6-12 weeks.
I don't mind waiting, and I said to her Im not sure if I want to start therapy even... she said I don't need to decide now, only when I'm offered a time slot for therapy.
How do I know something bad won't happen now that I've told? The baddies said never to tell and if I did something REALLY bad would happen ;( I'm so worried the baddies will come to hurt me at night now that I've told, even though I kinda know it's not very logical...but I'm still scared and I don't think I have hope to get to sleep tonight... *crying,scared*
<3: Muru
Muruluisku - my big sister's pet name for me, she also calls me her little shadow because I'm quiet and followed her everywhere when I was little. I may be quiet, but happy to listen, hold your hand and hold on, riding the storms with you.
Well done for seeking help, and being so honest and brave in the assessment. It sounds like a really positive outcome, as you will have some time to think about whether you are ready for therapy and don't need to worry about seeing a new person for therapy.
Nobody except you and the therapist will know that you have opened up about the past; you are safe now. You weren't safe back then, but you are now and you deserve to speak about it and be free.
Complex PTSD is not anything in itself to worry about - it just describes the fact that your symptoms have lasted a long time. It doesn't mean you can't recover, but it shows that you have been through many traumas and that this has impacted on your health and wellbeing.
Well done for going to the assessment and being so honest with her - I'm really proud of you. It sounds like it took a lot for you to do it and I understand how hard it must have been.
It can be scary when you're given a diagnosis and you're not quite sure about what it means. As said above, it's nothing in itself to worry about. It simply means there's a lot of different events and traumas to cause it so it's not as simple as exploring one event that may have caused it. It can be recovered from, it may simply take a while to get through - but all PTSD can take time to move on from.
You're safe, the people who threatened you only did it because they knew something bad would happen to them if you told (i.e. they'd end up in jail) so they used it to stop you saying anything. They can't get you, and they won't know what you've spoken about.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Thank you Katie *hug* and Epicene for helping me understand what it is.
I feel better now that I know the "complex" part doesn't mean that I'm a hopeless case, and that these things can be worked at... If I'm strong and brave enough... I guess while I'm waiting I can try to find my courage to say yes to therapy when a slot is offered to me.
I know you guys think that I should go , and I guess it would seem sensible to go... But I have managed okay for so long, I just need to be able to sleep and not go into vicious cycle of nightmares and flashbacks like I sometimes do...and stop doing the unhealthy things.... It's hard to imagine my life any better than it is, cause its mostly good in the day time, and Im so grateful for it. I don't want to risk it by being consumed by the bad things ALL the time if I let myself think or feel them in therapy. What if I go crazy and loose all the good in my life if I start therapy?
<3: Muru
Muruluisku - my big sister's pet name for me, she also calls me her little shadow because I'm quiet and followed her everywhere when I was little. I may be quiet, but happy to listen, hold your hand and hold on, riding the storms with you.
I know you guys think that I should go , and I guess it would seem sensible to go... But I have managed okay for so long, I just need to be able to sleep and not go into vicious cycle of nightmares and flashbacks like I sometimes do...and stop doing the unhealthy things.... It's hard to imagine my life any better than it is, cause its mostly good in the day time, and Im so grateful for it. I don't want to risk it by being consumed by the bad things ALL the time if I let myself think or feel them in therapy. What if I go crazy and loose all the good in my life if I start therapy?
This is a really good point and very important to consider. It is unlikely that therapy in itself will make you go crazy and damage the good things in your life, because in the long-term it can make a huge difference. Therapy can help with acceptance, give you a chance to mourn things you lost in your childhood, and support you throughout the process. It is also likely to reduce your flashbacks and unhelpful coping strategies that you currently use. However, during the process of therapy things are likely to become very challenging. You might indeed find that memories become more intrusive and that it takes over your life somewhat, at least in the short term. That is why it is so important to do therapy at a time in your life when things are relatively stable, and when you feel it is 'right' for you.
These are all things you should be able to discuss with the psychologist when you are offered an appointment. They might be able to tell you what to expect, and how things normally progress.
Ultimately, it probably would be helpful for you to have some kind of therapy - it's just a question of when the time is right. It is very wise of you to realise that therapy will be hard and is not an instant solution. That suggests you are really insightful, which is always a benefit when going into therapy. You are lucky that your life is so good, but you have suffered and you are still suffering. Your life can remain as good as it is, but without these traumatic symptoms.
