I just have to get this out.

[springawakening]

Ok, so...I just need somewhere to put everything (the condensed version, I guess). I feel like a fake, being on here, because people have been through so much worse. But I figured if I had to put it somewhere...I promise I wont do too much for myself, I joined because my friend was having self harm issues and I wanted to help her. But here goes...

It's my freshman year in high school, and last year I had two big situations with bullying.

I had never been bullied before. Ever. I even made it through 7th grade with no problems. Then, in my eighth grade year, everything happened. I'll start with story #1,, and I'll just give an overview.

NO - Those are her initials. Funny, right? Anyway, my friend V and I both knew her. V was her best friend at the time, and had some trouble with self harm. V sent pictures to NO of her cutting and NO started blaming her for not telling, saying that V didnt like her enough to tell. She even told people about V's self harm, which was NOT okay. NO harrassed me, and as a result, V and NO started drifting apart, which I was blamed for. This girl made a fake profile to harrass the two of us, told us to kill ourselves, tried to convince us that we were the reason she hated everything, threatened us, attempted to convince us through the fake profile that she ran away, or killed herself, or cut. She trashed us to anyone that would listen, called us liars, and made statuses tagging us, saying we would ruin lives.

S AND E - This was far more damaging. It was less threatening and more manipulation. I dated a guy - twice - and I will admit, I led him along more than I should have. When we were dating, his friends would be rude to me and make DISGUSTING comments. Once, on my birthday when I ran out of my study hall crying because of something he had said, one of them called after me with "What, are you depressed or something?". Then, a month or so after this guy and I stopped dating, his ex girlfriend (E) contacted me with a long paragraph about how awful her life was and how she loved him (we'll call this guy C). She started messaging me for 'help' while putting me down in a manipulative way. She said she didnt like my decisions I made, called me a whore, sent people over during rehearsals to break up C and I's conversations, and turned people against me. People would tell me I was ruining their OTP and that I should stop hurting E. Her best friend S came after me too, saying that I had to try harder to 'help her', tried to make me stop being friends with C, and accused me of messing with her friend group. They would talk about me, saying I was desperate, and going after Cole when "he obviously liked E". She would even stare at me with evil eyes during lunch. Everyone supported her and I have had to deal with the reputation of being the bad guy. Almost worst of all, this guy who had become one of my best friends wouldn't ever stand up for me to them, and still remains best friends with all those people. E has a rap list that includes...
- spreading rumors and kicking one of my best friends in elementary school
-leaving a 2nd grader in the woods because she was mad at them
-stealing all the friends of this girl Z in elementary school so she would be forced to sing with her at the talent show
-making rude and nasty comments about other people's abilities
-making fun and taking advantage of people and their schoolwork
-lying about self harming

Both of those things were happening at the same time. And of course, I was mean to them back, but only bitchy remarks when they would say mean things to me. I was pretty much ok in 8th grade when it was happening, but then in 9th, once it was over, I entered a period of depression. I thought I did something that caused these things to happen to me, that it was all my fault, that everyone hated me, and that I was worthless. I wouldnt leave bed, see my friends, or try in school. I cried everyday and felt sick and dizzy. I was paranoid all the time, pushed away all my friends, and just loathed the person I was. I would take extreme lengths not to talk to people, walking miles home from school to avoid taking the bus.

Although I got out of my depression, I still struggle with self doubt, self worth, and I'm upset a lot. I still get crazy flashbacks of messages they've sent to me, or the things people have said about me. I'm hypersensitive to any comments people make, and paranoid about these girls and their hatred. I just want to feel like I used to - happy and self confident, because I dont anymore, and I still hate myself at times.

[Patent Pending]

Hey.

First of all, you're perfectly fine posting here - try not to invalidate your suffering by comparing it to others. We're all here to give and get support.

I'm sorry these people did these things to you, and that you didn't have someone to stand up to them for you.

These people are the ones who were in the wrong; not you. You didn't do anything to cause them to do this to you - we all make mean comments back to someone who is doing it to us. Please try to refrain from blaming yourself for their behaviours.

When something like this happens it's often said 'the only reason someone wants to bring you down to their level is because you're already above them'. Try to hold onto this. You're a better person that these people.

It's hard to gain self-confidence and self-worth after something like this has happened, but you deserve it and it will come in time. It takes a while to recover from this, but you can make it.

You have no reason to hate yourself - just judging by this thread and the one about your friend you're a very good person and people are lucky to have you in their lives.

Keep talking here if it helps.

x x x

[I am a cat]

Im sorry that you went through all this, but you are fine to post here.
and just because you perceive other people to have it worse, doesn't mean your experience will not effect you.
You were bullied, it will take a while to get over that.
Keep talking x