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Please Read: Advice from 28
In high school, I was a straight A student, did extracurriculars, had good friends, had a good family, and I was a secret self-cutter, because I hated me. No one has been in your situation, and there are lots of different theories on reasoning why people cut, but each one of us can help by letting others know that we get what you’re going through.
What finally got me to stop cutting was one night when I lost control and made more cuts than I realized. I felt at that time that self-injury was controlling me, and that terrified me, because it meant I could make a mistake and someone would find out my secret.
I’m not saying my choices were the right decisions, or that they are the right decisions for you, but they were decisions I made none the less, and I want you to hear them. I relapsed a few times- Or other times I punched my left arm repeatedly, dug my fingernails into the underside of my arm, or pushed on my eyelids instead of cutting, but ya know what, that didn’t leave scars. I want you to know how much I hate my scars. How much I have dreaded explaining them to each new boyfriend and how much I used to fear having to dodge questions when I wear a strapless dress.
When I started cutting, I lost some of my ability to cry and write to express myself. When I stopped cutting, I worked to get that back. A boyfriend I had used to tell me… if you feel it, then it is real. That was so important for me to hear. If I felt sad, even though I shouldn’t, it didn’t matter- I had a right to feel that way. You have a right to feel sad. You have a right to cry. It is up to you to find ways to help you release the overwhelming sadness and anger within yourself. Besides letting myself cry and write, there are things that helped me not to cut that I want to share. I became heavily involved in volunteer work. I joined organizations in HS and college that focused on volunteer work. Even if I hated myself, I was rational enough to be able to say well at least I did such and such for someone else. I found a stone with a scar and I held it close rubbing it to remind me of the scars I didn’t want. Start your search for a stone with a scar, when you find it, you’ll know fate wanted you to know it was listening. I wrote a research paper on cutting, so I could look up and try to understand as much as I could about this feeling that was trying to control me. As you gather information, you’ll read others reasonings, not feel so alone, and discover ways that have helped others cope. You have a right to feel sad. You have a right to cry.
It has been about 8 years, since I last cut myself. My scars now are not something I fear, because most people in the world are too caught up in their own world to even notice. My scars are a reminder of how sad I used to feel. It helps me remember that time was real and think of my happiness now. But I would never want more scars. I would never want to feel that alone again and that out of control again. Still to this day, I sometimes just tell myself to go to sleep when I feel sad, because I know when I wake up things won’t feel quite so bad. Being a teen is a little bit like that. Stick it out to adulthood, try to make a plan for yourself to do good, try to make yourself [fall asleep] get through being a teen, because your emotions will not always feel this way. I just read somewhere “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” I know that it is so difficult to feel like your problems now are temporary, but picture this: I’m 28, happily married, own a home, hoping to get pregnant soon, and I used to self-cut. You can do it. Give yourself the tools to overcome this whether that be a stone with a scar, an adult to talk to, a new journal to write in, or immersing yourself in volunteer work, or something else that works for you. You can do it. “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.” ~Desiderata
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