That's exactly what I've been thinking today. I don't like Christmas, I like peace & quiet, & most people don't understand what it's like for people with problems, they expect EVERYONE to get involved in the festivities, going out buying loads of presents, going out on nights out, I suppose you just have to be assertive sometimes, say no, it's too much for me.
I don't know what to do.
No one understands me. No one listens.
This is destroying me and I can't handle it anymore.
You need to learn to communicate using your words.
This is a lot harder than it sounds when you have spent such a long time relying on your actions to convey your pain.
The problem is, if you don't communicate effectively then it will seem like no one listens or understands. When you cut your arms, don't eat or drink, try to run away, hide down the side of your bed - all these actions hold a variety of meanings. Naturally the other person won't get it right every time and you're left feeling unheard and in even more pain.
Honestly I preferred it when you were angry and yelling at everyone and pissed off at your entire situation. Finally you were being honest with everyone - your husband and mum. It felt like the beginnings of a dialogue. It felt as though you were finally communicating the rage that you funnel into your self harm. Anger is so healthy, why do we always try and stifle it?!
All those times you hurt yourself - they are so full of meaning but you need to start to find a common language with someone else otherwise you will forever be yelling at the top of your voice in a foreign language that no one can truly understand.
May be you could start with thinking about what you wanted to communicate when you got the nail vanish bottle and smashed it open to cut yourself. To help, when I read it I thought you were saying "I am so angry that you left me to go help someone else because I am just as important (if not more so)". I think this is really justifiable and must have been very painful. Is this what you wanted to communicate?
The thing is, you DO have control over your behaviours, you are not psychotic, you know exactly what you're doing and what response you want to elicit, the problem there lies with either the person doesn't understand what you are trying to communicate or the staff know exactly what you're wanting but they don't think it's healthy for them to respond the way you are manipulating them in to. Read over all your posts from this account and your other one. See how you use your actions to manipulate people, to gain sympathy and attention, that sounds harsh and I don't mean it to at all, needing those things is okay but you need to learn to ask and talk rather than act out.
You can put a stop to all this, yes its so incredibly hard, you will feel misunderstood, but that is life. We all relate here, we're all here to support you but we can't stand by and support your unhealthy need for validation.you got what you wanted, you were sectioned, you are unwell, now you have to turn it around. Use mindfulness to help you think and not act impulsively. An urge is an urge, you have the control to not act on it. We can support you through those times if you reach out and ask for support in that way. People reacting after the event is just feeding in to this cycle you have going.
You know they won't let you dehydrate yourself to death, so really, what are you hoping to achieve? You need to take care of you. No one else can, it will be hard, but pick up that drink.
So stop. No one ever got what they wanted by repeating the same actions over and over when they fail to yield results. You are in absolute control of your behaviour. Perhaps not your thoughts and emotions (though this can be learnt), but your behaviour, yes. & often changing behaviour drives change in thoughts & feelingS. You CAN change this. But not by moaning or through self pity or passive aggressiveness. You are an adult. Make some adult decisions and act like one. Then, things will change.
Thankyou all for replying. I'm sorry I've not been back yet.
I have tried to engage. Spent a bit more time out of my room, spoke to my nurse in 1-1s, spoke in my ward round. Started drinking and eating a bit more.
You're right about using my words, it's something I've thought about a lot. I guess the first part is communicating how hard that is, how when I get put in that position I just shut down and can't talk. It's about not being able to talk when I need to if I'm distressed, but also I general when people ask me about things, even if I'm ok. It's something I talked about with my psych, how I dissociate because it's easier than being in the room and acknowledging things.
Things have been unsettling on the ward with patients coming and going. It seems more settled now, touch wood. I've been quite ill the last few days and was so upset to be away from home feeling sick. But my last few visits with my husband and family and my leave today have felt weird. Nothing feels right. Like I don't belong anywhere. Now I like to be able to hide in my room, it feels safe in here. Maybe it's because it's Christmas and it's so busy anyway? But everything feels overwhelming. I'm sad it's so near Christmas. So sad I've numbed myself to it I think, pretending it's not happening. Pretending I'm not meant to be going away for a Christmas weekend next weekend, that we've done no shopping. Ignoring the fact that I might still be here, or that I might be at home, or that I might have leave. I want it to go away. Stop.
I don't even know anymore. I feel hopeless. I'm trying, I really am. Was meant to go out with my nurse yesterday for a walk and a drink, but I wasn't well enough. I asked for lorazepam last night because I felt myself getting stressed, and I had to wait an hour cause handover ran over but I stayed out my room to wait.
I don't feel real. I'm still not convinced I'm not dead. That I didn't die and this is my punishment. Nothing feels real. Nothing is real at the moment I guess.
I don't know what I want from this. But I'm so fragile right now please just be nice.
Well done for trying to engage and for eating and drinking a bit more! :)
I wish I could say something to help or bring ssome comfort.
I hear how fragile you feel and I hear how the Christmas period and the uncertainty of it all is unsettling.
Remember I'm just a pm away xx
How can the light that burned so brightly
Suddenly burn so pale?
Still feeling mixed up. Not eaten since lunch yesterday because I need to be numb. This is too much. Christmas. My whole family visited today, mum, dad, sister, fiancé, niece. They all went off to have Sunday dinner. Husband doing a gig in London. I don't feel well enough to be out, but not being part if things especially so close to Christmas sucks.
My parents and husband have a meeting with the consultant tomorrow, apparently I'm 'invited' as it's about me. I think it's to see their views on how I'm doing and leave and discharge shit. I don't want to go. I don't want to acknowledge in front of them that I don't feel anything has changed. We kind if agreed today I shouldn't be home this year.
The last 2 days I've been feeling suicidal again. Strong urges to overdose. I don't know how to admit that. I just want to hide from everything.
Hi, it's lovely that your family came to visit you. Did you enjoy seeing everyone? Did you not feel up to going for Sunday lunch with them? Have they discussed what leave you can have over Christmas/New Year? What leave do you think you'd be able to cope with?
I really think you should go to the meeting tomorrow. It will give you a chance to say how you feel and your opinion on things. If it's concerning discharge then it's important you have your say. Also you said you don't think anything has changed, it's important that both professionals and family know this.
Do you know why you are feeling suicidal?
Stay strong.
x
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
It was nice to see them. But feels strange. Everyone is on egg shells. Nothing is the same anymore. I wasn't asked to dinner. I don't think they trust me after I brought stuff back last time. We've not discussed Christmas leave yet, I've been wanting to avoid it all together to be honest.
I don't know why I'm suddenly more suicidal again. My mind is suddenly running away with plans of overdoses before I can catch up. I'm tired. I don't belong anywhere. That's the overriding feeling of the moment.
I'm so hungry. But so scared to eat. I'm so tired of this.
I'm sorry things are just so hard for you right now.
It's understandable seeing everyone would be strange. It always odd to see life for them carrying on while ours seems to be stood still.
Have you thought any more about whether you want to go to the appointment with the consultant tomorrow with them? Do you think having a short amount of leave over Christmas would help? Would it help you feel a little more connected with them again?
Have you talked to anyone about how the suicidal thoughts have increased?
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Last night i ate a sandwich and drank a bottle of lucozade. Instead of cutting or going crazy in my room I went outside and talked to the only 2 sane guys in here. Joined in regularly by many others. I don't know why I always seem to attract weird men? Why they think it's ok to ask me things like they do? I never know how to respond. I probably give them the wrong idea. Though then I couldn't go in, and 4 hours later at 12.30am the nurse was getting mad at me and muttering about section 52. It was just calmer outside.
I was hoping to see my nurse this morning, to discuss both going to the meeting and the meeting itself. But I've not seen anyone, and it's in 20 minutes. And I'm not sure how I feel. I'm going, if they get me to. I think I'm numb enough not to explode or cry. Which could be counter productive but I just can't bear the drama right now.
Everything feels fucked. I know I need to stay. But I don't even know what I want. I'm going out with mum after the meeting to have my hair done at their house. I know I have a few last blades there. I keep seeing myself successfully hiding them. Planning without realising. But I've seen it now. It could be easy. Just incase? As security? I feel like nothing really matters anymore.
What's happened? I don't understand? Everything's running away with me and I'm confused and I feel wrong.
Freaked out. No ones come to me. I guess they're doing the meeting without me. I've only seen the student this morning. They just leave me in my room and I'm too much of a fucking coward to leave my room to find out what's going on. I can't stand myself. I can't stand this. I can't stand it here. But I don't want to be anywhere else. I'm sick of nothing making sense. I want to run away. Far away. Hide. Forever. I fucking hate myself. I make no sense.
Sometimes in hospital they have the first bit of the meeting with just professionals, then they may bring you in afterwards to discuss what has been happening and what has been said, etc.
Or, sometimes, they just have meetings themselves, but will let you know afterwards what the outcome of it was.
Try and breathe slowly.
In through your nose, out through your mouth.
I too am awful at communicating verbally, maybe write down everything on a piece of paper and give it to a nurse you trust, may help to get across how you're feeling at the moment and what you would like done to support you?
I'm glad to hear you're trying harder to cooperate and to force yourself to do things you really don't want to do, so well done you for those things
[I hope that doesn't sound patronizing?]
I understand not feeling real, but you ARE real, you ARE alive, and you can use this time in hospital as a positive, the help is there, the resources are there, you just need to reach out for them, communicate more with staff,
and even if you don't feel like it/don't want to do things, you have to try and force yourself to do it,
because the things you don't want to do are probably the most important things TO do lovely.
Keep going, you're doing so well already.
Christmas is very difficult for some people OUT of hospital, let alone in hospital, so be gentle with yourself during the next few days/weeks/however long you will be in hospital for around this time of the year, you're allowed to be upset and to struggle, but you have to communicate this with others so you can let them in and let them help and support you.
Regarding eating/drinking - if you're struggling with this, perhaps make a goal that each day no matter what you will have at least ONE meal and ONE snack and at least a few glasses of fluids, it's very important to do this, not eating/drinking can worsen your mental health as well as physical health.
I understand it is scary, frightening, but you ARE allowed to eat/drink, it's a very good and positive thing to do, as well as very brave, and I believe in you and believe that you CAN do this.
Thankyou both, they were really helpful replies to read right now x
Eventually the consultant came to my room after an hour to invite me in if I wanted to ask anything. But he told me it was him, the doctor, my psychologist, my parents and my husband... And knowing they had just been talking to me all that time I just couldn't. He told me he would update me on what was said in ward round on Wednesday.
So now I'm at my parents having my hair done. Apparently it was mostly them just asking the team questions, and apparently everything is to be lead by me.... Which is a bit shit seeing as I have no idea who I am or what I want.
I really hope I can see my nurse when I get back. I don't see my psych until Friday and really don't feel good. I've got a blade hidden on me. They won't find it. But I need to be good until after tomorrow cause I'm going to our choirs concert tomorrow.
I really hate this. I'm going to try really hard to talk to my nurse later. But what if she's not in? Too busy? I feel everyone else is more important and deserving than me so I won't push it. I feel like something really bad is going to happen. But I can't even cry because I'm kind of numb too? It doesn't even make sense.
