Contains Suicide - Struggling *TRIGGER Self Injury/ SUICIDE^

teachit · 03-12-2013, 05:20 AM

I am really struggling right now. Today in group therapy I was talking and crying. And when I look around in the group I see all these people looking at me so worried and upset. I keep sharing though to try and figure things out. I am not doing a great job though. I don't know what to do. I just binged and am actively trying not to purge. I want to hurt myself so badly It sucks. I just want to do something to pull this weight off my chest. I am so angry at the world and I feel like teenage teresa. I am just so ... I don't know right now. I just want to curl up somewhere and never wake up. I don't want to be dramatic. I think about killing myself everyday. And I guess if I was going to I would have already. But I went into the hospital and that kept me safe. I don't want to go agan. Last week my group therapist and personal therapist both suggested that I go inpatient. My husband didn't think it was a good idea. I just didn't know what to do. I stayed home. I am hoping that when I see the psychiatrist thursday I will up my meds and feel better. I just want to feel better,

teachit · 04-12-2013, 04:38 AM

Last night I realized if you google my mom you can find out my married name. This was super stressful in my already fragile state and I ended up hurting myself. I went to group and told them. They wanted me to tell my husband. All I was able to tell him was that I shared about self injury in group and that no one seemed to understand. So, I guess that is a step in the right direction. I guess I am wondering if anyone has been in this situation? I want to be open and honest with my husband but we have both been and are going through so much I don't want to burden him. It is stressful keeping secrets from him. I also don't know that I want to be on lock down. I want my safety net.

small light · 04-12-2013, 11:45 PM

I know how you feel, my husband has his own problems… I always fear that if i go IP I'll be burdening him more and it stops me going in… I hope you're able to share with him. It's so much better to share when it's with someone safe

teachit · 05-12-2013, 03:51 AM

Thanks for responding. I felt that way too before I was inpatient recently. But since the psychiatrist suggested it I felt better about it. I haven't been able to share everything with him yet. I just can't deal with the dissappointment in his eyes.
I have been trying to draw recently. I don't know if it is going to help. I also signed up for an art therapy group. It is not until January though. I hate that my birthday is in less than a week. 4 days.

small light · 05-12-2013, 11:37 AM

Art therapy can be fantastic, I hope you can use it as a chance to get it all out on paper or clay etc. I'm sorry you're not looking forward to your birthday though, are you able to do anything for yourself to treat yourself?

teachit · 05-12-2013, 05:00 PM

THANK YOU small light. I appreciate you responding.
My husband is trying to get tickets to see the Nutcraker. Something I always wanted to do. I just am missing my mom, grandmom, and godmother so much. They were people who tried to make my birthday special. My husband is trying but it isn't the same. I am just having such a hard time. I ended up self injuring last night. It wasn't as satisfying. I also almost had a panic attack this morning :( It started but I was able to talk myself through. It sucked though. And last night I tried to do some things from therapy but I guess I was already too amped up. I am looking forward to the art therapy thing. It isn't until January but it is run by an art therapist and there will only be up to 8 people in attendance. I found it on Meetup.com I was a little hesitant but I figured what is the harm. I am also getting reiki done on Friday. I am hopeful I will feel better from that.

small light · 05-12-2013, 05:25 PM

I hope it goes well. And remember that self harm is addictive, it isn't as satisfying after a while which is why people push the limits of it and do it more and more often. Try your best to put what you did last night behind you, even though that won't make it go away, it might help you feel less stressed.

teachit · 05-12-2013, 10:40 PM

Thanks again. Today at the psychiatrist they upped my one medication. So, hopefully that will help with everything that is coming up. Also, I am glad there is group tomorrow. Today was a little wompy.

small light · 08-12-2013, 01:08 PM

How are you doing today?