I can't tell if it's pms, or just normal feelings of desolation...
Lately, I've been feeling so...I don't even know. As a headsup, a lot of this probably won't make sense. I apologise in advance. And some of it may be triggering. I apologise for that, too.
My mom has chronic back pain, and she takes Lortab for it. I want them. I want them so bad, I can't stand it. And I'm too scared to ask. When I get my own prescription of them, for sleep, or whatever, I take too many, and I run out in, like, a week, because I want the high. I haven't had them (except for pain the last couple days; pulled a muscle in my back), and now, all I wanna do is cut. I've been so sucidial for the last, like, three days, it's ridiculous. I wanna go to hospital, and have them sedate me so I can sleep for, like, three days. I feel like I'm having a psychotic break, and I dunno what to do, or how to fix it. Talking about it isn't helping, writing in my journal isn't helping, listening to music isn't helping, none of my usual destractions are getting me through for longer than they last. Like, last night, I watched the fiftith anniversary special of Doctor Who. That destraction lasted as long as the episode, and then it's back to, 'I hate myself, and I wanna die.'
I wanna go to hospital. Like, the ER. And have them just sedate me for three days, but my mom is asleep, and I'm scared to wake her up, and I've been in tears since I woke up, and I'm scared. And I'm tired. And I want my mommy, but she's so tired, and sick of me, and my emotions, and my tears that I'm afraid to even ask her for help now...What am I gonna do? What do I do when there's no one left to talk to?
I was supposed to go to the doctor today about my back, but I fell asleep, and I don't know if they ever called back, because Mom is asleep, and my brothers don't give a shit, and I don't know what to do anymore, I just fucking don't know. I am so sick of everything.
I even had my mom draw a butterfly on my right hand, so I wouldn't cut (I'm right handed, therefore, everytime I use my hand to do anything, I see him, and it stops me), and it's helping me not cut, but they never said I'd kill him if I off'd myself...That wasn't part of the rules...I need my mom, but...She doesn't need my crap, not anymore...I just don't know what to do...I don't know who's left to talk to...And I just want it all to fucking stop...
I am Andii. Spell me right, pretty please. ...I'd pay good money not to be ignored...
Warning: I steal purple. ...I'm feeling supersonic, give me gin-and-tonic, you can have it all, but how much do you want it...
Don't talk to me about my signature or I will put forks in you.
I think you're not wrong...*hugs* I'm going...Today...Mom’s gonna take me to the ER…I am one giant, walking panic attack, and it’s making me suicidal to the point that, like…I’m scared of myself…There’s something WRONG, like, REALLY wrong…I can’t stop shaking, and I’m barely holding it together…They’re gonna end up sedating me, and I dunno how long I’ll be out for, but I need this right now, I need to be safe…I am so much of a danger to myself, like…I can’t remember the last time it was this bad, and I can’t go back to the psych ward, I can’t, I just…I can’t…I can’t do this anymore…Mom is gonna have them write a script for Celexa. It’s an anti-depressant, she wants me on it now. I can’t wait untill I see the psych doctor, I need something now…And they’ll end up giving me, like, Dilaudid or something, and I just…I can’t do this anymore…I can’t be like this! I just…I don’t wanna live anymore…It’s not worth it, it’s just, it’s not…
I mean, I feel like it's not...I don't want this to be triggering for anyone else...I'm just...In that headspace right now...
I am Andii. Spell me right, pretty please. ...I'd pay good money not to be ignored...
Warning: I steal purple. ...I'm feeling supersonic, give me gin-and-tonic, you can have it all, but how much do you want it...
Don't talk to me about my signature or I will put forks in you.
I'm so not even gonna go into my ER story, because I don't feel like telling it, except to say that after they sedated me, and I got some sleep, I have been feeling better, and better as the day has gone on from there (except for the fucking pulled muscle in my back, which I'm hopefully seeing my doctor for today. Yes. I go to the doctor a lot). I feel really optimistic right now. And I just am in a really, like...Great mood. I dunno why, but I'm not questiong it.
Also, this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziFYUh9se80
I love Alicia Way so fucking much. She's just my favourite everything.
I just wanted to update this thread for anyone who's reading it to let everyone know that, as of this moment, right now, I am doing wonderfully.
I am Andii. Spell me right, pretty please. ...I'd pay good money not to be ignored...
Warning: I steal purple. ...I'm feeling supersonic, give me gin-and-tonic, you can have it all, but how much do you want it...
Don't talk to me about my signature or I will put forks in you.
