I am really struggling right now. I am completely lost, I have no idea where "Me" is anymore..
Basically, I have had long standing mental problems, dating back to when I was a child, at 15 I was diagnosed with a DVT and that ended my promising football career, I acted ok but bottled it all up. So a rough few years and 2 suicide attempts, loads of therapy but then I meet my now fiancee on RYL. We have since been together almost 6 years. She moved here for a while, then I moved down to her and her parents where I was working also. Things immediately became tough. I was being bullied quite badly at work and her parents were going through me for issues with her, daily... All the while, my dad had a heart attack, then my mum was diagnosed with COPD. I was very homesick but kept going as my fiancee was now in college and doing what she wanted to do. I wanted to also look to do what I wanted but I was paying for her college course and phone and such, also a huge rent for us to live there so I couldn't afford it. Then out of nowhere her parents accuse me of sabotage around the house...Which anyone who knows me knows the suggestion is unbelievable. Months of more accusations and picking faults etc and still being bullied at work, my sister is then diagnosed with a DVT and my other sister with vitamin S deficiency. I used to rely on alcohol and self harm but for 18 month I never gave in once, I could not believe how strong I was, all that time with no help from anyone and I was there for everyone else.
That is the short version, it may not sound so bad but it was so horrible, the mental abuse I suffered is making me have panic attacks around people and when I hear doors slamming I hyperventilate.
So one night, sat having dinner and her mum bursts in screaming at me and hits me .. I have never done anything to anyone, ever .. I could not stay after that, there is something wrong with them and I begged my fiancee to come with me, she said no she has to stay for college. At 8pm I drive 7 hours home, alone. So the next day I get a message off my fiancee, telling me she needs an operation because she tried to kill herself...She has the op a few days later and stays overnight... Few days later, she starts acting weird with me and on facebook thanks the people who have helped her the last few days....Meaning the people who caused her to do it....She continues being weird with me...Then on my birthday she meant to call me in the morning, I sat like a kid at christmas waiting...Until 2pm when I messaged her asking if she is calling, she said .. Have a good birthday with your family, sorry. < Obviously worried, I asked questions...She tells me she isn't sure what she wants anymore, she doesn't want to be anywhere, she has seen a different me the last couple of weeks, I am very manipulative and she doesn't like it... She has got worse every day, treating me worse, ignoring me and she does not say "love you" anymore, even though I have pointed it out, she purposely does not say it...
I am heartbroken beyond words. 18 month I was treat like I was and she did nothing to help me, in that time I still financially and emotionally supported her. She will not talk about it with me and will talk when she is up at Christmas as I take everything the wrong way online. I can understand that but I do not understand the way she is treating me. I have dedicated 6 years of my life to her and I cannot remember 1 second where I ever treat her wrong, it would kill me if I had ever made her sad. It bothers me more that she will not say what the problem is and how it developed overnight. A friend of mine said "What's the matter? You look like a zombie ready to kill itself" .. I am just very sad
I cannot cope, I had a dream that I hung myself and I saw myself...I went to the funeral and my family + best friend were devastated but her and her family were celebrating...I have had this dream 5 times in 14 days, it is how I feel.
I have since self harmed and have been drinking 2 or 3 cans per night, that is how it started last time, expect it feels worse this time....Games are being played with me and it is going to kill me, I can feel it... I just don't know if I am selfish, a bad person or if I am being made a mug out of.
I used to be at peace when I slept, it's caught me up in the one place I escaped.
