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I'm struggling with life
I can't seem to escape the overwhelming amount of bad thoughts that race in my head. I am seeing a therapist but it doesn't seem to be helping. I don't have anyone I can really turn to. I have a couple people who tell me they are there for me and I can contact them at any time. But the thoughts get to be the worst in the middle of the night and they are sleeping and can't be reached until morning. And I can only really go surface level talking anyway. And there are a couple of other people who say they are there for me but they are almost impossible to contact.
I don't really have any close friendships anymore. My closest friends have moved away. And I'm not good at making friends. And I don't really have any way to easily make friends anymore either.
I just really wish I had close, meaningful friendships because then I think all of this would be easier. Right now it's like it's just me and my therapist and it's nice to have a professional on board, but it would be so nice to have someone I can call and say "I'm having a bad day. Lets talk about stupid stuff."
And then my one friend who I am closest to... She does the "I know more about what's good for you than you do." And the worst times are when I have, unfortunately, missed work due to my mental health, and have practically begged her to meet me somewhere when she gets off work because social contact can help bring me out of it, I just couldn't emotionally handle work that day. And she insists if I can't make it in to work, she can't see me. But she won't even meet me on my regular days off on days she works. She always has reasons why she can't go out, and yet like every other night of the week except the nights I ask her to go out, she goes out with other people because she just "can't say no cause she feels bad" but she is my supposed best friend and I feel like she isn't there for me. It's hard for me to tell her anything anymore. Because I basically never make the right decision for myself in her eyes. Even if it was something she previously recommended, it's the wrong decision. Or if it is something she previously recommended, and it took several other people recommending it to before I decided to follow through then she gets all offended.
Like, I don't have healthy relationships with the people I have the easiest time contacting, and the people who actually are healthy and helpful are hard to contact. And it's hard. I feel so isolated. Because it's like I have no where to turn.
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