On Tuesday I was discharged after nearly 3 months on a psychiatric ward. Since then I have twice eaten quantities of rat poison.
I'm not coping with the outside world, I was still suicidal when I left hospital and they knew that. It seems I'm going for a really long, drawn out route instead of a quick one. I'm going to suffer a lot and experience a lot of pain. If I keep eating the poison without treatment I will start to bleed internally.
I guess I just feel that my life is no longer worth living and there is precious little I can do to make it so.
I don't know what I want from this thread, maybe just to be heard and not be so alone. I'm pretty hopeless right now.
Please go to a&e, you are worthwhile and your life is worthwhile living - I know you can't see/feel that, but it is. People care about you and love you.
I'm not great with words right now, I want to say more but my brain keeps trying to dissociate.
Please don't eat the poison anymore xx
I'm sorry things are so distressing for you at the moment.
It's very concerning you're consuming rat poison. Are you seeing any professionals for follow up? If so, please talk to them. You need and deserve help.
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
I'm under the ACAT team and have referrals going through to social inclusion team and psychotherapy. I've got two chances to talk tomorrow, ACAT appointment and GP appointment. I'm scared they'll put me back in hospital, either general for poison treatment or psych. I need to maintain my freedom.
Hi, I just wanted to echo what everyone else has said, please seek help ASAP and get the treatment that you need. I'm sorry that you're feeling so pessimistic about life at the moment. We all care about you. Please be honest with the professionals.
x
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
Well done, Heidi, that's great to hear and must have been a huge thing for you to do. Good luck with your GP appointment, lovely.
Now I'll play your ghost as my ace, whenever I'm led astray.
But I am actually good, can't help it if we're tilted.
I'm in my right place, don't be a downer.
I really hope you'll be ok.
It makes me a bit angry that the hospital would discharge someone who still feels so bad.
I know it's hard to believe when you feel so much despair but there is a place in this world for you. You are important to a lot of people and you deserve a chance to get better and realise that.
So hold on to whatever you have left to hold on to. And reach out as much as possible. We are here when you need us.
My GP said they couldn't deal with it, wrote me a letter and packed me off to A+E. It was a bit scary as they whisked me straight into resus instead of the usual place for less dangerous ailments.
Fortunately my blood work came back as being ok and then I saw psych who were happy to let me go.
Thank you for your kind messages. Zurg, I think after ten weeks and little improvement they were a bit stumped as to what to do with me. I also wanted to be treated in the community again once I was no longer sectioned.
I'm sorry you're feeling so awful Heidi and I hope that things went OK with your GP. Were ACAT able to offer any support, beyond taking the poison away for you?
ACAT are being pretty helpful, much more constructive than the crisis team that existed before services were reformed. They want to do some mindfulness work and some distress tolerance, which sounds helpful.
Being back in the community after so long in hospital is weird. I'd gotten used to someone ensuring I take my meds, someone cooking for me, lots of lorazepam and being able to talk to someone whenever I feel distressed. I'm struggling a bit with basic self care and finding it harder to reach out for help now it's not so immediately accessible. On the other hand I had a bottle of wine and a Chinese takeaway tonight and that wasn't possible in hospital!
Cut, got drunk, pulled all the skin off my scald, picked at my feet until they bled, cancelled seeing my friend and haven't moved off my bed all day.
I also failed at brushing my teeth, drinking enough liquid, eating a sensible amount of food and wearing clean clothes. Not even going to start about my hair care and personal hygiene.
I put down a deposit on a flat Monday, but on the other hand I'm considering dropping out of work, running back to my Mum's and giving up on independence. Not sure if I'll ever cope with adult life.
I've been ill for over half my life now. Losing hope that I'll ever beat this.
Do you think you need to be back in hospital? Do you think you'd be better if you moved back home?
I know I don't know you very well, but it seemed as though, before this happened, you had been doing a lot better for a while. Just because you have been ill for a long time doesn't mean you won't get better.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
xx![[Luna]'s Avatar](image.php?s=b354378032cca1805feaf421129731d9&u=32920&dateline=1692390196)
