Is it that I am unlike this world or that I have lost my grasp on the understanding of it? I feel like I don't understand people anymore, nor do they understand me. I've stopped talking to most people all together now because of it.
Because of my complete disassociation, my personal life has taken a turn for the worse. Anyone who now tries to get close to me gets driven away because of my insecurities. Now, I am often alone in my own tormented head.
The only loved one I have left is my boyfriend, and I've even resorted to pushing him away too so I can continue down a road of chaos.
I've stopped going to all my doctors appointments. I've skipped going to my mental health clinic and seeing my social worker. I'm on a path of destruction mentally and physically. After 4 years of recovery, I am back to my old destructive ways.
I've been binging and purging, taking laxatives, and coping with guilt, sadness, and anxiety using xanax, snorting sleeping pills, OD'ing on prescription medications, and cutting. The only thing that relieves me of the emotional pain is physical pain.
I know that I wont last much longer if I continue down this path. I don't know what else to do anymore. I'm so lost, confused, and scared. I've tried taking all the right steps, going to the right places, trying to see the right people for help but none of these people help me.
They put in their half ass input, by throwing in an "uh huh" or asking me the same questions that they asked me the last time I was in, type on their little computers, write me scripts, and do what they have to in order to get me out of the door in 45 minutes.
Things are no better at home, my family is not supportive or conducive to my recovery. My mother doesn't want to do anything for anyone accept my brother. Hes always been her most precious child. When it comes to me, she has a very "do it yourself" attitude. My father, treats me like a dog. He keeps me locked up in my house and took away my car in order to control me.
I'm just so tired at this point. nothing changes, things only get worse and I can't stand it. I don't want to live this life anymore.
I can empathize. Last year after being relatively self-harm free and free of suicidal ideation I spiraled out of control in less than a month seemingly erasing years of hard work. That doesn't mean anything, anyone can get tired of constantly being vigilant against themselves. Living with mental illness is a lot of work, it's inevitable that you'll sometimes feel tired of taking medicine and attending counselling. You ask yourself, "What's the point?" Well after a year of hell, I'll tell you what I think-It's a lot harder to pull yourself together than to fall apart.
It's absolutely okay to feel self-destructive, depressed and even suicidal. Don't deny yourself those feelings. But it's important to keep talking about it whether you're being open and honest with your boyfriend, your social worker or your mental health team. Even if they're not "fixing" anything you can at least vent which you can't do at home apparently.
Can't you talk about how you feel your counselling isn't working? Perhaps another method would work better for you? If you feel whatever coping methods they're trying to move you onto aren't working speak up instead of nodding your head and letting their bull drown you out! Seriously say, "I think you're full of shit and you're not listening to me!" Be honest! Be angry! Be sad! Be frustrated! Be annoyed! Just please don't stop going to your appointments because when you'll want to talk there will be no one around to listen and support you professionally.
Things do sometimes get worse but things do then get better too. Don't let this one bump in the road stop you from ever having another good day again.
Well...I'm not sure exactly what triggered this. I used to go thru periods of ups and downs but just before a recent institutionalization, I've been in a permanent "down" phase. I find that I have to put actual effort towards, eating, bathing, going to doctors, keeping in touch with family, or leaving the house because most often than not, I don't want to anything but stay in bed . The rare occasion where the mood strikes me to get out, I'm unable to because I'm trapped by home since of my controlling father took possession of my car.
The only thing that keeps me relatively content is my loving boyfriend. He is the only consistent and stable person in my life at the moment. However, I'm stricken with the fear of losing him on a daily basis to anyone or anything (as he is my only true loved one since my family is so distant and apathetic towards me) Because of this, I have a compulsive need to stay in contact or be with him at all times.
Last night's trigger was because I stricken with a great deal of guilt. My boyfriend; He's a real mover and shaker, and took up modeling as a way to practice good confidence. However, his modeling makes me feel really insecure about myself, which caused me to be rather unsupportive, and self harm more. Worst of all, it seemed to reignite my ana and mia habits because Im now so worried about my body image. I know in my head that I should have been more supportive and happy for him, but I just couldn't be. I feel very wrong for being so insecure, and I can't help that I am getting in the way of his opportunities to be happy and successful.
I find myself using pills and purging a lot when he goes to practice or an event. It really gets me going on a self hate trip. I can't bare to tell him the horrid details about what I do because I don't want him to feel guilty or hurt him as he means the world to me. We've tried to discuss why I am so against his modeling, but I can't seem to properly communicate my feelings about how much this affects me. At the end of the day, I know he won't be happy if he can't do this, and I can't bare to see him unhappy. But at the same time, its torture for me.
