Me. *Might be Triggering*

Staystrongxx · 01-11-2013, 02:23 PM

I don't know where to post this, but i just wanted to get it out. It've been stuck down there all bottled up for so long, I feel like I'm going crazy with it. And I'm sorry because this is going to be really long.

Have you ever felt like, so utterly useless, good-for-nothing and that you'll rather weren't born at all? I do. Every single day of my stupid, mistake life. My parents said that I'm their daughter but I doubt that they can ever tell me that they love me too, as much as they love my big sister. They said that they are my parents, that I should respect them. But they never treat me like one. They make me feel like a piece of trash, and never respected me for who I am or cared my feelings at all.

I know who I am. I'm just a 16 year old girl, a teenager. I live with my parents and sister, and have an extended family of half-siblings too, but I never, ever felt like I'm ever part of the family. I'm always the odd one out whenever I go. In school, I'm the weird and quiet girl that nobody likes. At home, I'm the useless, good-for-nothing and the one who was always getting yelled at by my parents and sometimes my sister.

I'm tall for my age, at 170 cm, but I was never really confident at myself. I always go around like a big clumsy giant, even my younger nieces whisper and laugh at me, while my older cousins would try to be nice to me, but I know deep down, they wished that I would just go away. I have a slight case of bulimia, but sadly, with it, you never get to lose any weight. Every now and then, at dinner time, my dad would look at me and said: "You're fat. stop eating so much, eh? Look your sister. How slim and pretty she is. you're nothing but a fat pig. you look like a pig." and my mum would agree and go on about my weight while my sister just sit there looking at me and trying not to laugh.
I'll always try to defend myself, telling them that I've lost weight, convincing myself that too. But deep down I know. I can hardly look good in any tight clothing anymore. My pants are fitting tight on me. But i would always look in the mirror and tell myself that I'm okay, finding excuses like I'm tall so it's proportional. I've asked my friends and they said, no, you're not fat at all! but I look at their slim frame and doubt it.

I'm not good looking at all. I have fizzy short hair, a disgusting nose of blackheads and glasses. My mum never allowed me contacts. And I suck at my academics too. I'm always failing my exams. My teachers, even my favourite ones in school were always so disappointed in me for not performing again. But I can't stand it. I hated studying, spending hours on math and science. I love to sing and believe that i can sing. But people around me judge and laugh at me. My friend says i can't sing, my dad and mum and sis would tell me to shut up and stop singing. But I can't and don't want to. I love music, I love to sing. I want to be a singer, one who can change people's lives like my idols Demi Lovato and Kelly Clarkson. But I'm nowhere near it. I feel like i'm nothing without music, like i'm not living to sing, but singing to survive and live. But everybody tell me that I suck.

And then there's my sister. she is three years older than me. she is perfect, my role model, my parent's ideal and perfect child. I love her and i know she loves me deep down but sometimes, she's just so mean to me. she's slim and pretty, happy and joyful, popular among her friends, getting straight As in her subjects. she's coaching me in my studies but I did was fail and fail and fail. sometimes, she's nice and caring in a sisterly way, but other times she would treat me like her slave and telling me to do every little thing for her. whenever we fight, I will always be in the wrong no matter what, and would only to get hit some more by my dad later on. It's like my parents never believe that their perfect daughter could ever be wrong, while I'm ungrateful one, so it's my fault. It's so unfair. My life is always so unfair.

I have friends too, ones that really cares about me. But I can never tell them the truth about me. They think that I'm normal, a little insane and hyper. My best friend knows that I'm depressed at life, but she doesn't know how deep it really is, or that how I'm hurting and hurting myself. I can never bring myself to tell her, I don't want to add to her problems.

But sometimes I just feel like giving up on myself, to end it all for myself and everybody else. sometimes I just feel like ripping out, wrecking everything in sight and throwing my temper. But I have to control and control, because it will only get me into trouble. I always tell myself to breathe and breathe, but that tight feeling in my chest, I can't do it anymore. I know I have bipolar, though it've never been checked or confirm. I've tried to cry, to let it all out, but I can't cry anymore, like I'm numbed to my feelings now. I want to tell someone, I want to let it out. But I can't. People judge too much. Right now, all I have left is that dream, that little ray of hope, and singing. But I don't know if I'll ever get there. I hate my life.

EMH · 02-11-2013, 12:21 AM

hey -big hugs-

im so sorry for all the hurt they have caused you. and im sorry i dont have any answers. but i hope you can find some support on here, and maybe other people will be more helpful.

one thing i did get from your writings is that you say you believe you can sing. and that really is all that matters. honestly. dont listen to what your family tell you. if you believe it that is all that matters, dont let it stop being something that brings you happiness.

appearance isnt everything, even though I am sure you are beautiful even if you dont think you are in your eyes. and its also whats on the inside that counts. what are your good points do you think? things like kindness, caring, generosity, willingness to help others. these are what matter.

you say you havent had your moods checked out. i would really consider going to your GP about it. they dont have to tell your parents, when i went i think i was about 17 and they didnt inform them. they can get you some help, refer you to someone you can talk to, get you some support that you need.

take care x

Staystrongxx · 02-11-2013, 07:19 AM

Thank you so much for caring..I really needed that.
Yeah I could only believe in myself and keep on singing, to keep myself alive.
I know I'm good to my friends though. But that's because I'm weak too. I can never really lead, I would always fall in the shadows. I am very loyal to my friends, too loyal, and some of them took advantages of that while others like my best buddies would love me and keep me going.
I don't have any help at all, although I know that I'll need it. I've been stucked in depression since I was 8 years old, but didn't know what to do, and mostly because my parents doesn't care enough to find help for me.
But I know what bipolar is, I've checked it out after my friend pointed out the possibility of me having it. I've been googling it, my favourite idol Demi had it, but I'm still not very sure and don't know what to do.