Contains abuse - advice please?

JadedDreams · 27-10-2013, 09:36 AM

I've been a member here for a while now, but im too scared to post about this, not sure why. Fear? judgment? well, here goes... I was dating a boy, pretty seriously. We had talked about sex and decided it was something we were going to wait a bit for. I had never done it and wanted it to be right. We would fool around but never go too far, I was happy. One night he decided it wasn't enough and it wasn't what he wanted, he didn't want to wait. I told him no so many times but it didn't matter. He did what he wanted and got what he wanted from me. I didn't talk to him about it, I didn't talk to anyone, just kept going pretending it didn't happen. I kept dating him for almost a year after that, just recently left him. After that happened I didn't care what he did to me... not that it happened again, just if he wanted it I gave it to him. What I wanted, my waiting, it was for nothing anyway. It bothers me a lot. It makes me feel like a bad person. I come from a family where sex is not taken lightly at all, no one there knows aobut what happened but I feel like a disappointment to them. I asked him about it later, he says he didnt hear me. theres no way... After I moved on from him I met a nice guy, but still I let him do what he wants to an extent. I don't say no, I don't care to. I should make him happy right? I numb out, I don't tell them, pretend I like it all, when really at times im crying when its happening. Not to mention I cant seem to get over my ex... the feelings are stuck with me. He got a new girlfriend, I feel like im drowning and not sure why. advice if possible? why cant I let it go? why does it haunt me? should it bother me at all or am I just overreacting?

riu · 27-10-2013, 11:04 AM

Despite the lack of direct physical violence your prior partner raped you.

Outwardly consenting to sex that you don't actually want (and especially that which is not only undesired/neutral but actively unpleasant) isn't a formula for a viable sexual relationship or romance or friendship in the long term.
You need to tell your partner that you generally don't want the sex you've been having with them.
If you don't think you ever really want to have sex with them again then tell them that.
If you genuinely might want to in the future then you need to be clear that you'll only be doing so when you're actually interested.

Obviously your partner might not want to continue the relationship once you inform them of the reality but if that's the case I think finding someone else who's more compatible with your actual level of sexual desire is far preferable to having a lot of sex you really don't want even if other aspects of your relationship with this person are quite positive.

It's not totally clear to me from your post whether you're primarily disliking and regretting your sexual experiences because they're inherently unwanted/unenjoyable or because you're concerned about the expectations of your relatives, though it seems like it's more the former.

In any case I think the former (more endogenous) sort of motivation is substantially more important.

Your family likely "does not take sex lightly at all" in part because they don't want you to be pressured into sex that you don't want.
But some people also regard most forms of sexual activity negatively for reasons that I don't think make all that much sense, and to the extent that they don't make sense to you I don't think you should waste your life worrying about them.

Kyaneos · 27-10-2013, 02:05 PM

*sits with you*

I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you, my heart went out to you whilst reading this. It is very clear that your first time was important to you and you have been raised to take sex seriously, which is a very positive thing. What he did was very very wrong, and given that you had discussed it beforehand and agreed to wait, I think it is unlikely that he didnt hear you as he claims.

I think you becoming numb to this with your new boyfriend is a totally natural reaction as you were hurt so badly by your ex boyfriend who you trusted. But you do not have to "give him what he wants" to make him happy. You say he is a really nice guy so perhaps you could try talking to him about what you went through with your ex? I am sure he wouldnt want to be having sex with you if he knew you werent enjoying it, or just doing it to keep him happy.

In the mean time, have you considered seeing a counsellor to talk through this stuff with? It sounds like there is quite a lot of stuff you need to work through, so it is understandable that you havent "let it go".

Take care and try to be gentle with yourself, you have done nothing wrong but have been betrayed very badly.