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Wondering into the abyss
So I wrote this about how I am resisting the urge to cut with something I found. I don't really cut, but lately I want to... I gave it to one of roommates because I knew if I kept it i wouldn't make a good choice, but i was upset with myself later because I wanted it.... so anyway this is what came from that... I know its long... but whatever...
How do I know if I am tempting myself to see if I will, or testing myself to see if I won’t….? Am I a coward because I crave the pain but scared of letting go or am I brave because I crave it and still resisted? Am I weak or strong because I've said no? I turn to my guides to answer this, as if they would know. I have an angel and devil guiding me… neither one any good… “be good to yourself, people don’t want to see your pain, the pain you cause yourself hurts them, makes them sad, takes up their time, don’t be a bother” the angel says, pleading with me to make the choice not for myself but for others…The angel more concerned with others than of me. Angel do you care for me at all, or is all that love only for the others, who deserve it. Who don’t hurt themselves and in the process hurt those they love. Is all that concern and preservation so as not to see the pain I cause them because of the pain I cause myself? The bruises, the scars I cause don’t only blacken and scar my body, my mind, my heart but those who see, who care, who love me….. But the devil though, the devil doesn't care, tells me not to worry, whispers that it won’t hurt them if I hid it well, won’t hurt others if I hold my breath and hide my sins. The devil is selfish and gloriously destructive, wants company in the deep dark pit of despair he finds such delight in. The devil breathes sweet nothings to me, promises that can be kept, for a price of course. He whispers convincing lies that I can’t help but believe in as the darkness settles around me…making me wonder, where the edge is, where is the point of no return? Can I taste the darkness without falling into the abyss? How far into the darkness can I wander before I can’t see the light…? Where is the edge?…How far before I fall in to the abyss… how far before I’ve gone too far….. How far before the Angel can’t catch me…Do I want to be saved? Angel do I want your light?… Am I worth your shining radiance, your beautiful grace…? Even though I hurt others with my selfishness? Devil do I want your darkness or do I just feel I deserve it….? Do I listen to the devil because the abyss is comforting? The Devil gives me beautiful lies. Telling me half-truths .The pain you cause isn’t permanent he murmurs, it isn’t truly real… but it could be… if you wanted… just once and you will feel better… just once and all those cares will float away… that is un-true, The Angel tells me… You know better. The angel has warned me not just this time but many times before…but do I heed those warnings, warnings of not only falling into the abyss, but of hurting those I love or watch myself make the choice I know is self destructive and selfish but I can’t seem to help as I stray from the path into the waiting darkness…
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great description of the battle within x
