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Personal Piece- Contains upsetting material - Black and white
"I live in a black and white universe, forever locked out of a true honest colorful life. Voices echo in my head, tormenting my walking dead body, empty on the inside, looking for a heart to fill it and instead run from comfort and feeling. What others think become a reality to me, believing that you have the power to listen to other's thoughts and read their human minds like a book open on the right page at the wrong time. Their eyes burn through my mind, burn through my clothes and my skin, reaching the deepest hole inside this corpse i call "me". Walking without an aim towards the school ground I avoid whatever can hurt me, leaving the world behind. Lock up on a bathroom stool I try to match my breaths to my heart beats, but it beats too fast to follow. In my turn back to school patio I encounter a tiny paper clip and find it an interesting charm that my skin craved for. A little pain, that's all - I say to myself, convincing that the pain a paper clip brings to one is the pain my body craves for at this point of none control. The first scratch does nothing, but after a few a tiny bit of pain is felt and my dreams are fulfilled. Convinced I need more and more in this black and white life, I go for the black it provides and hide away in a blanket of lost souls, alone with my inner demons. Those little voices that take the shape of bodies and torment me with their sharp tones and piercing words. I bleed for them, but the wound is in my heart and my mind. My stomach growls for hunger but I can't bring myself to feed it. My mind is delusional, I dream with dreams I can't make true. I ask for things true life can't offer. The growls become screams and the pain hit, together with the shame and guilt it comes after what i'm about to do. Chocolate pieces fly into my mind, one after another after another. Chocolate in my mouth, in my stomach, in my hands, in my mind. What once was a growling stomach is a happy hungry stomach in a moment of gluttony that no food can calm down, no matter how much you eat. And until the day is over, the feeling won't disappear. The pain won't be satisfied. The gluttony won't stop. The feelings won't calm down.
I live in a black and white universe, and I’m it's forever prisoner."
This is based one a day I had to go through without my medication, how it happen. I forgot to take it and it was a mess of a day. Thought i'd share this.
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