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just struggling so much
I just don’t even know where the point in my life is anymore, I feel like everything is crumbling around me and no matter what I try to do, no huge improvement is ever going to come my way. I am almost certain that my relationship is falling apart around me – I don’t even feel like she actually wants to see me anymore, I’m quite definitely second place at best. I’m terrified because although I kid the world I’m feeling ok and getting along the truth of the matter is that I’m in a really awful place and have no hope that things will ever improve, I’ve clung to that delusion too long now and nothing has yet come of it. I’m incapable of functioning as a proper human being, I never seem to get into relationships with the right person ever, I’m a pathetic excuse for a student and doubt I’ll ever truly be able to function with a job and life and keep all the balls in the air at the same time. At best I will screw everything up, at worst I fear I could pull someone or multiple people down with me. I just want things to be different, I’m sick of living like this and being unable to properly understand myself or express myself ever but can’t just step off because I’ve seen my family through that type of loss once before and refuse to do it again. I’m simply stuck in a perpetual loop of sh*tness, and I feel it is slowly killing me inside.
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