Hello there darling,
I don't know if it helps, but I hear you. <3 It sounds like you're really trying to reach out for help right now, and that you're really struggling. I assure you that somebody will take your hand and help you through this time, but you might need to tell somebody for them to realise how much you are struggling. People tend to only see what they want to see, and of course people would like to see you happy so that can be why they aren't noticing.
Do you have any professional help at all?
Could you tell Nick how you're feeling and see if he can help ground and distract you?
I know that we can sometimes feel overidden with guilt and regret about our past, but everybody has done things that they wish they hadn't. Some better, some worse. You're never alone in that respect <3 But that doesn't mean that you can't change the future and make yourself who you want to be. To make yourself proud. Keep fighting, there's never any rush, the time will come, but you need to focus on getting yourself better first.
Take care <3
- Holly
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