Marriage problems and sex and other stuff *maybe triggering
I don't know what I'm looking for in this post, maybe just someone to talk to since everyone in real life thinks everything is perfect. I'm sorry it's really long.
I got married less than a year ago. I'm starting to think it was a big mistake and that I'm just incredibly stupid. He's always had issues. We lived together for a long time before getting married and had plenty of problems. Years ago I left him as he was really emotionally and psychologically abusive. He'd make up entire stories to manipulate and scare me. He lied constantly. But we were really young (early 20s), and so I chose to forgive him, thinking maybe he was just really immature and really would change like he said. And the straight up lying did stop over time. I think the manipulation stopped simply cause I stopped letting it work. But then he became really verbally abusive over time. Only when we'd get in a fight, but it can be bad. I've been called plenty of names. And he always threatens to leave even though the fight is over the stupidest thing. But the problem is, it doesn't really affect me anymore. I know he's not going to leave. I know the names he calls me aren't true. I know he's just throwing a fit like a child when he doesn't get his way. I'm so numb to it that I don't even feel like its verbal abuse anymore. Realizing his words can't hurt me is worse IMO than when the words did hurt.
Another contention is sex. From when we began having sex years ago, it's always been a horrible point of anxiety. Almost immediately he began starting fights, or way back when, lying to make me afraid (it's hard to explain), when I didn't want to have sex. I used to have sex when I didn't want to just to try and keep the fights from happening. But now I don't care. He's gotten much better in the past year of not pushing me if I don't want to, but now I'm incredibly anxious about sex. I only want to do it entirely on my terms and will freeze up if I even think there's a possibility of changing my mind since saying no has started so many horrible fights in the past. I know we really don't have sex that much, and I feel bad, but I also feel like my sex drive would be higher had he not created so much anxiety about it. He always acts like I'm intentionally "withholding" it and last night said I should just "get over it" about my anxiety about what happened in the past. Even though its really not been that long since fights have happened.
So anyway, I was away for a month for a thing related to my career. And I honestly felt so free not having to worry about any of this. But no one else sees him like I see him. They think we are perfect together. We even lived at my parents for a few months and they never noticed anything wrong as I made sure fights didn't happen in front of them. And so I feel like maybe I'm just crazy and unreasonable since no one else notices anything wrong. But while I was away, I also came to a realization. Why would I waste my time doing anything in life that makes me unhappy? I grew up very religious, and even though I walked away, I think the making some "other" happy over me has always stuck in my brain. And it makes zero sense when I really think about it. Yet here I am putting up with this **** because I feel bad.
I also just don't want to leave. I feel bad as he moved with me across the country for my career. We also do have good times together. He has changed a lot in the past several years and I know it takes time to get past problems. Plus everyone thinks everything is great.
At this point I'm so numb. He seems like he's finally going to get marriage counseling after promising to for years. I think he realized he's crossed a line with me, having had a super bad fight over nothing right before I left and now me telling him how upset I am. I honestly don't know how this can be fixed with a counselor. It could've even six months ago, as I wanted to forgive him. Now I'm not sure I even want to forgive him. I've just come to the realization that its been so stupid and ridiculous for me to try and make this work when he's made me so unhappy in so many ways for so long. Yet I also feel like why have I worked this hard to make it work, only to stop caring when he finally does decide to change?
So I'm sorry this is so long. I literally have no one I can talk to about this. I'm really confused and emotionally numb at this point. I hate that I was so weak as to get into this situation and am not sure what I want going forward.
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
We've had several arguments since. I used to cry when stuff like this would happen; now I don't even care. Sad thing is if I just had sex with him this would all go away. But I can't make myself want to when I don't feel it's because he cares about me. Sex has just become a task on a checklist. I've crossed this point where I literally don't care what he does and I don't know how to fix this in me even if he does follow through with counseling like he says he will... It's like I just suddenly ran out of emotion with this. It's scary yet freeing feeling this numb to it. At least here I can't be hurt by it. And at least I know I can survive on my own now. But also then what is the point in being here if I don't care? I feel like I should care, but I just can't right now. :/
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
I'm sorry about all the emotional stress you are going through. It seems that sex is the biggest issue.
I had sex with my wife a lot at first to "keep"her happy (I'm a lesbian) and even though I'm with a woman, it still scares me because of past issues. I literally don't have sex with her anymore unless it gets to the point where I realize she is brutally miserable. I will please her but I don't allow her to please me.
Married or not, your body is your body and you control what happens to it. I wonder if you getting therapy for your anxiety about it might help?
I don't really know what to say about your husband except he really needs to be patient with you or things will only escalate.
I wish you the best of luck.Please do what makes YOU happy. He is responsible for his own happiness. It isn't your job to "make" him happy.
Thank you for replying :). It helps to know someone else understands. Yeah we are supposed to be getting marriage counseling soon. He's been calling counselors. Because he waited so long until I was into grad school, my schedule is extremely tight and we have to find a counselor that can do Saturdays. I'm hoping whatever counselor we get can also do individual sessions, him for his behavior and me for the anxiety.
We did finally have sex last night. I also had been drinking. It feels like I can only get past the anxiety anymore if I've had something to drink. That wouldn't bother me so much except that he's the reason for the anxiety. It's not like I'm anxious about sex because of some past relationship. It's his behavior that's making this so difficult. So I either have to be drinking or randomly very much wanting sex to get past the anxiety anymore. Also, at this point I'm starting to just be angry I have been made to feel this way for so long. I used to really want to have sex with him and want to get past the anxiety. Now I feel like its just so messed up that he doesn't really care about me, just whether he has sex. For him, everything is based on sex it feels like. It feels like that's how he determines whether our relationship is good. Everything could be shitty, like now, but since we had sex, he will probably think its great.
And some of the things he's said to me the past week when we've argued have not sat well with me. He's said it's my fault he gets to the point of calling me names, etc. that I "push" him too far. Which is bs. He pushes me plenty far and I don't act like that. He also claimed I was using sex as a weapon by not wanting to do it. And he somehow decided I was saying I wouldn't have sex until he got a counselor and wouldn't stop going on about how it'd be a few weeks until he could get a counselor and what was he supposed to do in the meantime? I never said that anyway and I think sex should not be the biggest concern considering everything else right now anyway. There were some other things that I'm blanking on right now.
He takes all this back later and apologizes. Acts all sincere and says he doesn't know why he is like this. But I can't help think this is really how he sees things. He also will go from loving to cruel back and forth within a really short time. It feels like he tries to be nice or mean, and when one or the other doesn't work, he switches. Now neither of them are working cause I've just stopped caring, and I think that's really starting to hit him. And it makes me wonder why I am even here. I guess I can hash all this out in counseling, but I just don't know how I got in this situation. The thought of leaving scares me, mostly because so much time and effort has been put into fixing this. All to throw it away. And I can't help but wonder if I'm blowing it all out of proportion since no one else sees this in him.
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
"He's said it's my fault he gets to the point of calling me names"
Guys always blame the girl no matter what. (I'm a guy)
If you have relations with him while he is so bad he will only get worse because it supports the worst in him. I would say "close shop" until he gets his act together. If he leaves then good for you. Let the fail be on him. You'll only be losing what you should never have had tbh.
I am sorry you are having those problems. It seems like some things from the past are bubbling up. Have you ever sought therapy for that stuff?
Also, if a relationship is feeling unhealthy for you then you need to weigh the pros and cons for YOUR happiness and YOUR life. I saw that it seemed like you may be feeling very obligated because he moved with you. What concerns me is that you did not go with the obvious because you were married, as a reason to feel badly. I am thinking that you need to look inside and make sure you are with him because it is a healthy relationship for you and he to grow.
Thank you for the replies. We do finally have a counseling appointment this weekend. We will see if it actually helps.
I seem to always feel obligated for some reason. There's always some reason I feel guilty, even before we were married. I'm not sure why that is. I also feel like I would disappoint my family were I to leave. I also feel like maybe I'm just exaggerating and am just crazy. And I feel bad he left with me, even though he wanted to move and was fine with the city we moved to, so it really doesn't make sense for me to feel bad. I think I also am scared of changing what's been normal for five years. And I do sometimes wonder if maybe things aren't that bad, and I'm just complaining. Maybe I would be less happy if I left? And sometimes he is really nice and helpful to me. All these things go back and forth in my mind and I get really confused about what I want.
As for him threatening to leave, I am pretty sure he never will. It's all talk. Which has made me so used to the feeling we are separating when we really aren't. He won't actually make a decision, yet he uses threats to leave in every fight. It happened just a few days ago in fact. So refusing sex really just starts fights, he doesn't actually intend to leave I've learned. I also feel bad I don't want sex anymore, but I just can't make myself want to because so much negativity surrounds it. It feels fake now. Yet I know it's reasonable for a partner to want sex from you, so I feel I'm being unreasonable not wanting it lately.
Sorry for all the rambling. It really does help to talk about it, even though I haven't made any real decisions yet. I do know I can't take this anymore. It's really going to come down to whether he changes and whether I can get past everything even if he does. And I don't know the answer to the latter.
Stereotypes are the epitome of human laziness.
- me
hey BeautiSec.....
glad u found a safe place where you could vent and cry...without fear of reprisal. u are safe here, we will commiserate and hold you and most of all, we will remind you that emotions can't kill you. continue to be strong and fight for yourself. you have many soldiers here willing to stand up...beside you and fight with you. stay strong.
