i just dont know.

[RainbowVeins202]

I feel like this is probably a stupid post and im sorry, I just really needed to rant.

It's been 8 months since I last cut, I recently started dating an amazing guy, things at home are good, and I started a new school that should be great. But I cannot remember the last time I was happy. I've felt mostly sort of numb/anxious all of the time, but then today all of a sudden really wanted to cut for the first time in forever. which i'm not going to do, but ugh. am i destined to be this way forever? is it my own fault? I've gone through so much therapy, been on dozens of different meds, done it all. I'm using healthy coping skills, doing everything I'm supposed to and trying to stay positive. i've been really trying to be happy and positive since i stopped cutting 8 months ago and it hit me today that i'm not. and i know that it must be my fault, and that it's bad that i feel this way and i'm so selfish because i have an amazing life. but yet i still think about killing myself every day. i just i dont understand.
(for the record, not going to kill myself, just a thought i have often).
i dont know... sorry for this stupid post

[Stellata]

It's no one's fault when they get depressed.
Do you have any support at the moment?

[LittleK]

Is there anything you really enjoy doing or want to do?x

[RainbowVeins202]

I just feel really badly for feeling depressed. I should just get over it, just be more positive, I know that. My best friend tells me that all the time and she used to be super depressed but is happy now... I just feel like the last 8 months or so I have been being positive and all that and all it did was make me slightly less like, violently sad and more apathetic.
I have people I can talk to, I could talk to my boyfriend or my family but I'm not going to burden them with it. I already put them through so much when I used to cut. I kind of talked to one friend last night but he's in the same place I am.
Uhm not really. I'm happy when I'm with my boyfriend but obviously I can't rely on another person to make me happy, we could break up, so I try to make myself realize that I'd be fine without him too.
I don't know... I know that it will get better and that I need to change how I'm thinking and it will all be okay. I'm sorry for being so negative, thank you so much for the replies!

[Celticroots]

I have depression too. You can't force yourself to be happier or talk yourself out of it. Depression is an illness that you have no control over.