I left for one day and did drugs, I won't say what they were but they were heavy.
It's the same drug I had been clean off of for 7 years :(
Kelly and I were just at our wits end and I ran, as usual.
I've been back home now for almost 2 weeks. I am having immense cravings. Kelly isn't really even talking to me. We are cordial with each other but that's it. There is no communication.
I'm doing the best I can. But I need her support. I don't even think she's capable. I'm scared. I can't go back to that house.
Keith hasn't spoken to me in 8 months. I want to be numb...just completely numb all the time.
I'm depressed and I asked Kelly to give me my tools....but she won't.
I didn't post about the suicide attempt about a month ago. I just want to go away.
Rach I am sorry things are so difficult at the moment but I am glad you have reached out to us for some support. Do you have any professional support at the moment? You have made it through **** before so you can make it through again. I believe in you
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I just saw my peer counselor and told her about it. I have an appt. the 21st with a new psych(but I've seen her before and do like her) and a new therapist whom I've never seen. I completely stopped therapy years ago because my therapist told me I'd been in talk therapy for so long and she thought it was time for me to have ECT. Well, I never had it done.
I've been having extreme cravings for the drug I did. It's pitiful because I feel like I want my Mom. She was the one who was there the last time. I lost 7 years! I only did it for a day and a half but once is one too many.
I get through the day ok but when night comes, it gets hard to sleep(it's after 4am) and I get mean and hateful towards Kelly simply because she's the only one around and I take it out on her. I know this is terrible for her.
There is a backstory to this. About 3 weeks before this happened, Kelly attacked me, physically. She hurt me pretty bad. I didn't fight her back. She blind-sided me. I debated with myself whether to stay or go. Well, about a week before I left Kelly and I both ended up in CCU with staples. I admitted myself to the mental ward upstairs but Kelly's insurance wouldn't pay. I stayed for 5 days. I felt better when I got out but the PTSD has come back(we think due to her attacking me). I had a few flashbacks before I left. Things continued to build. I told my social worker about Kelly but she promised not to take any legal action. Anyhow, I ended up running away to my grandma's. When I got there, my uncle was there...the drug addict. I immediately asked him if he had anything and he acted surprised and asked me "like what?" I told him and he told me to go to his gf's house. I went there and was there and day and a half doing my favorite drug(dirty drug).
I cried most of the time. It wasn't fun. But now it's psychologically got me by the balls! I didn't realize that small amount after how much I used to do would do to me. It has ruined me for now. I still do what needs to be done for Kaleb and the cats but that's all I manage.
I'm in a dangerous place right now and probably will be until I can get through the cravings. I'm not exactly afraid of Kelly but we aren't the same yet. We are trying but I don't have the energy for it.
Keith hasn't spoken to me in over 8 months. ****...that's a long time. My soul seems to fade just a little more the longer I don't hear his voice. I think that has alot to do with the drug part. I just don't care anymore, or I try not to because it just hurts more when I care.
Sorry for the book....hope it's understandable and in chronological order!
Rach.......... i'm just lost for words. What I want to say is best done in private. Fb me or send me a number I can call you on and when is appropriate. I just want to hold you so hard and erase all the grief in your life.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
But I'm awake after 1am. I can't sleep. My Mom visited with my son Thursday and he has driver's permit now. I feel just like I want to scream because I'm missing his whole life. And now, he won't allow me to get small glimpses.
My head is racing tonight, a big part in keeping me from sleeping.
Hi xx Im sorry youre going through such awful things right now I wish I could say something useful but I really wanted you to know that although you dont know me Im here if you ever want to talk.just send me a pmxxx
Differences...are nothing at all if our aims are identical and our hearts are open. GOF
Albus Dumbledore
The cravings have subsided although I'm still having trouble with sleep.
I actually clicked well with my new therapist. She realized things about me that I've never ever thought of. She's intelligent, stern but compassionate. I am continuing to see her. I will also be seeing my psych every 2 weeks until I'm feeling more stable.
I do have great news :)
Keith is actually talking about me with my sister. He isn't avoiding my existence any longer and has began asking questions to better understand. He was told long that I was Bi-Polar but that was it. My sister has really been advocating for me! She has explained to him that I have a lot more severe illnesses besides bi-polar. He also has been told that I was sexually abused or he came to his own conclusion. He has admitted that he will talk to me again but not until he is grown. I hope the more my sis speaks to him, the more peace he will find within himself and with all our complicated situations.
I know now that he does at least love me even if he doesn't like me right now. That in itself helps a lot.
I have been having a hard time with my sis being pregnant. I think she knows although I would never tell her that and cause her any grief or guilt. I got to hear her baby's heartbeat over the phone the other day with her home monitor. I am ecstatic for her and her husband. I see how happy she is now and that makes me happy too. However, I've been thinking a lot about when I was pregnant and when Keith was still little and I still had him and all the fun times we had before things went bad.
She told him about my pregnancy with him and he was interested. She told him how sick I was for 7 months and he asked if it was him that was making me sick and she told him yes,lol. She told him that he just sucked the life out of me,lol and he said ,"well, I guess I was taking up all her metabolism as well as my own". He said he still had a high metabolism. She told him how I would put objects on my belly and he would kick them off. She said we should have known at that point that soccer was going to be his sport! He is still in soccer and also cross country track. The cross country helps build his endurance for soccer.
Kaleb has started football but doesn't really like it but we are going to make him stick with it at least for a while. He hates practice but I hope once the games start and he has the crowd cheering, he will enjoy it. He is having a hard time though because he has never done a sport and he gets tired easily.
My dilemma is that Kaleb will want me at his games but I have never seen Keith play ONE game! I'm worried about the guilt I will feel but I'm trying to just go with the flow and try not to worry until it's time to worry,lol.
Anyhow, I'm so sorry for so much writing.
I'm doing ok...not at my best but not at my worst either.
Good point Manda. He cares about Kaleb's life. He knows that Kaleb has never had the same life as he has. Keith knows how fortunate he has been to have had the life he has with my aunt and uncle. He said that he wished Kaleb could have the same. So, yes..I agree that he would want me to support Kaleb in his sports. In fact, now that he has expressed concern, he would probably be disappointed in me if I didn't go to Kaleb's games :)
