Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Norfolk
I am currently:  
|
My Mum...
I never thought that I would step foot into this forum, or that I would ever come to RYL with such terrible news, especially after having been away so long...
I had a message from my Brother one Saturday afternoon, saying that mum has two weeks to live. I didn't know whether to believe him or not, because he's told me before that she didn't have much time left, just so that I would go and visit her.
So I went to bed that night feeling somewhat out of sorts. The next day I messaged my eldest brother who confirmed that it was true. Dread and panic started to rise and then my step dad called. I asked if it was true and the dreaded words rang in my ears "It's true. Liver and kidney damage." I got off the phone and I cried.
I was in denial for four days, keeping myself as busy as possible to stop myself thinking about it.
It hit me full force after those four days, knocking me flying. I was sitting down at the table after having practiced piano for a while, when I suddenly found myself in floods of tears. I didn't stop crying for days.:(
My Mother, the last blood parent I have, the one whom I have only known properly 5 years and whom I have only just started getting close to, is being ripped away from me just like that. In the month of my birthday. The month my Mother gave birth to me, 22 years later is the month in which I will lose her.
And we're only losing her because she has had transplants before but continued to abuse alcohol; abusing her body, so she is too high a risk for a transplant now.
Since I heard the news, I struggled to eat or sleep properly. I wasn't with it at all, I could hardly think or speak. I was just lost for words. I just wasn't all there, it was ridiculous. The simplest of tasks I couldn't do. I tried to eat proper mealsbut they quickly came back up :( I met with a friend who hadn't seen me for a week or so, and he said I have lost a noticeable amount of weight and asked what's wrong. I told him - he said the devastation in my eyes was too obvious not to ask.
She died on 17th June. Nearly two months ago.
So here I am wondering why, if she had the transplant before, did she continue to abuse alcohol? I get that it's a very difficult thing to give up, oh hell do I understand that - but surely it scared her being close to death the first time? I don't know how many times she's been close to it...
In a way I understand why my twin wanted/wants nothing to do with her, because she's saving herself all this pain - but at the same time, I am so lucky to have had those 5 years with her, to have known her even for that small period of time. To have seen what a kind, gentle, loving Mother she is. She has been my rock, just by being her. She was the first person I told about all of my abuse issues, and I was always there to listen when she had gripes about life and about my siblings.
She'd started to give up alcohol, she was doing so well. But then one of my brothers stressed her with his actions and worried her, so she turned to the bottle again.
I guess I just came here to get support. I am absolutely devastated. I cannot believe that my Mum died just five days before I hit 22.
I have never resented the fact that we were taken from her as babies because of her alcoholism, because I truly understand, having become addicted to self harm - yes it's different but it's similar in so many ways - resentment is the last thing I feel towards her. I adore my Mum, for getting through everything that she's come through, for getting as far as she has, struggling through life, battling depression, epilepsy and all manner of other illnesses. And still managing to lose her Husband to suicide and her children to social services.
I couldn't be more proud of my Mother for trying to give up an addiction that has gripped her for many, many years.
I stayed with her that weekend for two days until I started my new job (which didn't happen). Then I decided I would take an emergency trip to her as soon as I am told she only has days. I wanted to be with her when she went. I knew it would break my heart, but I would much rather have her go feeling loved, supported, cared for and wanted, than regret not being there, for the rest of my life. I couldn't bear knowing that she felt alone and unwanted. Unfortunately, she died just as I had got onto the train from London to Somerset. She had known that I was on my way, my Step Dad had told her, as I had asked him to.
I really don't know what to say now other than I am heartbroken and just don't know how I will cope without her. How will I ever get through this... It's nearly 3 years since I last self harmed/attempted suicide/abused my own body, and I have already vowed not to let this turn me back to it - she would be so upset if she thought I would go back to it because of her death. I wish she were able to be here to celebrate the third year with me. She would be so proud. I wanted her even to be here so that I could spend my Birthday with her, the last one that she would ever live to see. But her body just wouldn't allow it. 5 days was all I asked... Two days was all she got.
I talked to her the other day, around five weeks after she went. I was hoping to get a job that I had been interviewed for and really, desperately wanted. I asked her to knock on my door at 9pm if I had got the job. 9pm came and went. It got to 21:18 and suddenly, as I was typing, I felt something brush my finger. I looked and there was nothing there. The next day, at 17:22, I got a call offering me the job. Mum had told me I had got the job! I hadn't been sure whether to believe it, but now I do.
Last night I lay in bed, absolutely exhausted and ready to sleep. About twenty minutes after I got into bed, I started to feel anxious. So I spoke to her again - this is something I had initially thought would be strange and make me seem like some kind of weirdo, but after the first time, I thought why the hell not - I said "Mum... I miss you. Where are you when I need you? I love you so much, how will I do this without you? I need you now..." And I felt a movement on my duvet, almost like a cat gently jumping up and crawling towards me. I lay still and breathed (ghosts and anything touching me scares me). It stopped. I imagined Mum sitting there, on the end of the bed, seeing me cry and weeping to herself knowing the pain I was experiencing. I have never had my parent sit on my bed and comfort me, never had those soft, soothing words said to me, never had my Mother stroke my hair when I cry.
I miss her. I miss her oh so much, and every time I think of her, or talk about her and my feelings about her death, I want to cry. I have learned now, to be much more honest about my thoughts and feelings. My new partner has taught me that - we got together two days before Mum died - I asked him why he chose then. He said because it doesn't matter what I'm going through he still wants to be with me and still loves me, and if anything, the pain and sadness I am going through right now, just makes him love me more, want to be there for me more, care about me more. On our way to the funeral, I said "I hope John (Step Dad) is OK. I want to lay these yellow flowers in Mum's coffin, and this letter I wrote. I want her to know how loved she was and how appreciated she was. How much I will miss her. How proud of her I am." He read the letter and after I had said that, replied with: "See, Kirsten. This is one of the many reasons I love you. Despite all the pain that you're going through right now, despite not being able to eat or sleep or even think straight, you are still worrying about everybody else, wanting them to be OK and supported and feel better than you do. You are so caring and so selfless. Your Mum would be, and probably is, so, so proud of you. You're the perfect Daughter. And Girlfriend."
He's sweet, he treats me well, he loves me, he cares, and he is always, always there. If I say I am sad, he calls me to talk about it and to make me feel better. Or he comes to pick me up , take me back home and look after me. I am lucky. Mum would have loved him. She would have finally stopped worrying about whether I was OK, safe, cared for, loved etc.
Sorry, I have rambled for so long. I just feel so sad, so upset, so lost and empty. A huge chunk of me has been torn out :(
Enough rambling... I am just distraught :(
|
