|
Triggering (SI/Abuse) - Abusive Parents/Shouting/Bullying?
hi
I've read some of the posts on here and I dont think mine is that bad so let me know if Im over reacted or whatever.
(its a bit long sorry)
Over the last few months Ive suffered from depression and anxiety. I am seeing a councellor in november (20th). I've tried thinking what makes me depressed and stuff and a lot of it is in the past (obsiously) but I also think my parents are part of the problem and as Im living at home was just wondering how to deal with them. I think about stuff thats happenned and have flashbacks and get angry about stuff.
This is what happenned in my past - When I was younger I used to go out all the time and was really happy and then when I was about 12 a guy beat me up on the street, since then I started staying in a lot. I also remember my brother abusing me abit?? in bed once or twice. And I remember my dad hitting my on the head (probabily when I did stuff wrong I dunno read below?) I remember telling my mum I wanted to commit suicide and stuff and she told me to "go ahead then" smiling. I also used to get knifes and try and stab myself when I was at school, But never had the guts.
I'm 23 at the moment when I was at school I got bullied, then at college I got bullied. And about 6 months ago I got bullied at work for about 6 months. I did have 2 jobs and got bullied on both it was mainly name calling and stuff like that. But it was like all every day (mon-fri).
I started going in to work really angrily - like with anxiety theres fight or flight and I was in fight mode all day and even when I got home I was still angry. Basically Ive had enought of being bullied. Near the end I started taking knifes in to work stuff just incase anything kicked off as it was a gang of lads bullying.
Anyway towards the end I did start saying stuff back and sticking up for myself, they did stop however it only lasted a few weeks then they carried on. So I just walked out of the job.
Basically since then I get anxious when I go outside and I start shaking when I meet people. I cant help it sometimes even when i dont feel nervous. Its like Im stuck on flight mode and even if a car beeps their horn it makes me jump.
The reason I've said all the above is because I told my parents (I have never told anyone before about my brother etc). It takes about 8 weeks to see a councellor so i thought it would make me feal better.
After I went to the doctors to tell him about my anxiety etc he booked the councellor. So I went home and told my mum about me shaking when I meet people and the depression etc she didnt seem bothered at all (I dont know what I was expecting). Then I told my dad and he started SHOUTING saying its my own fauly!
I thought that maybe if I had a proper "family meeting" it might make me feel better. So I sat down with them (the first time in years) and told them that my brother touched me etc - my brother used to say "I'l act like a robber" and get in bed with me at -night kiss me, lick my nipples and suck my dick, abit. My dad laughed...
When that happenned I was about 8 and my brother 11. My dad said that my brother probabily didnt know what he was doing and probabily watched something on tv. I agree but I didnt expect him to laugh. It just a weird memory for me to have.
My dad also said jokily do you think he "fancied you". What a question to ask, he was like taking the piss.
Then I told him about my bullying and he told my I am to sensitive. I said that when I got beat up at 11 I started staying in my room and they said that they knew that already knew! It was 12 years ago and this was the first time we'd talked about what happenned. He also said that I was anxious cos I stay in my room a lot and said it was my fault.
I also told my dad about him shouting all the time when he camed home from work. He slams doors and shouts at me for no reason at all.
For instance last week I plugged the toaster in the power socket and took the kettle out. When dad got home he started shouting at me for not plugging the kettle in. I mean proper shouting and slamming doors.
I ve started sticking up for myself so I shout back which seems to make it worse as he goes on about other stuff and in the end "he threatens to kick me out" for forgetting to plug the kettle in????
He also shouted at me for taking biscuits out the biscut tin and leaving the bisuit tin 10" away from where it goes on the table. Also if you drop something you get shouted at. stupid stuff like that
He said he would stop doing it, however ever last week he did exactly the same thing, my girl friend is staying at my house she was ill so she had the day off uni. My dad came up opened the door and started shouting at us cos we had a lie in. I told him my girlfriend was ill and he said "I was ill yesterday and I went to work" and kept slamming the door. In the end he threatened to kick me out again for doing f*** all wrong.
When we had the talk I agreed to start doing housework etc and i have been doing. but it aint changed out.
Also I moved out for 2 months a few months ago. When I moved out I thought he would feel better however he still shouts at my mum. He also made her wash up when she broke her hand.
My mum is also a bit "funny". She doesnt shout but she does weird little things like the other day she was on about how they don't have any money and how much electricty I use saying when I moved out they used £1 a week less electricty!!! £1 bloody pound. She even bought a meter so I can plug it in my bedroom to measure how much electricty I use? I pay £100 a week in rent and the £20 a month internet bill. £4 sodding pound a month aint that bad, they make me feel like I do really bad things. When I moved out they bought a cycling machine, speaker system, 43" plasma tv, tv stand. They must of spent £1500 then they blame me they have no money. She also said i should look after my parents - as in pay for stuff??
I'm 23 and dont agree with how the treat me, i think its on the verge of bullying. I think they dont know how it effects people - my brother used to live with us and i remember that he wrote down on a piece of paper what he would say to this lass on their first date - he put "things to talk about" - my dad shouting all the time etc. It must of effected him alot if he was going on a first date, I dont think he had anyone to talk about stuff with.
I stay in a lot and run my own web site business. I should earn £8000 next year. I also used to sell laptops on ebay and did earn £1000 a month and bought a new car etc. My dad still comes home though and shouts at me saying Im lazy. When I do say I want to get a job he says I wouldnt be able to?
It annoys me cos my neighbour got kicked out of his home for robbing cars and houses. I stay and try and run my own business and get kicked out for unplugging the keltle.
ANYWAY - Im hoping to move after new year I should have enough money to train to become a driving instructor. Im abit worried that if i stay with my parents they might just keep knocking my confidence and stuff.
I was thinking of staying in a hostel or sleeping in my car next time it happenned but im not sure.
*** When my dad shouts at me should I:
1) shout back
2) ignore him
3) put some music on really loud
I've started shouting back and sticking up for myself, but after it makes me depressed for days cos I think why there like this. It might anyway
Also let me know if Im over reacting about my brother and parents in generally. My girlfriend said shes SCARED of staying at my house and that it feels evil. I've lived with it for 23 years so I just thought it was normal. Her parents told us to be careful living at my house - but Ive had it all my life? So I dont know who to beleive.
please advise thanks
|
