I've posted threads before talking about depression. But my depression is actually a symptom of my true diagnosis, which is "adjustment disorder". It seems many people haven't heard of this, I've searched all over the interent for threads talking about AD so I could have people to speak to who I could relate with, but there seems to be nothing.
Adjustment disorder is very complex, people don't seem to realise just how complex it is. It's very different in each person, and its affects can be mild to debilitating. Unknowingly, I've had this disorder all my life but was only diagnosed with it a few months ago. In primary school I was the happiest, most confident girl you could meet. When I left for high school, everything changed. My life changed. Adjustment disorder basically is an inability to cope with a major life change - this can result in depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. I was depressed for about 6 months after entering high school, before I got better. I suppose this is kind of normal for any kid. But when I left high school and began university, it got really bad. My depression kicked in, quite debilitatingly, within 3 months of being at uni, and although I'm quite a bit better now I've definitely still got a ways to go. It's been almost a year but I can't remember the feeling of being truly happy and carefree. It's ****ing horrible. I'm 19 - I'm at the prime of my life and I'm letting it slip away.
Like I said, adjustment disorder can be different in different people, but for me personally, it causes me depression, anxiety, and laziness. It restricts me from having the motivation to see friends. I DO see friends, I go out, I do things a normal 19 year old girl should do, but I'm hardly motivated to. To be honest, I'd rather sit home and do nothing, but I force myself to get out, and I hate that I have to force myself. My condition means that I subconsciously shy away from the opposite sex, because a relationship would mean a major life change, and I can't mentally cope with that. It's making me miserable. My heart wants to be carefree, to have relationships, to meet boys and develop connections, to go out with my friends, to feel EXCITED about something - oh, how I wish I could feel excited about something - but my mind tells me differently. I'm so terrified of what my future could be like - how will I cope with moving out of home? With getting married, if I can ever finally commit to a relationship with a guy? With leaving uni and starting life in the real world? With having kids? With the death of loved ones?!?! I can't keep repeating this same miserable cycle for my whole life. It's really really scary, especially because I know that deep down I want to be different and I CAN be, but mentally I'm unable to. This disorder is holding me back, my life could be so much more than I'm allowing it to be. I feel hopeless and stuck.
It's impossible to explain the feeling of adjustment disorder and how it affects a person - you need to have the condition yourself to truly comprehend it. So PLEASE, if anyone reading this has adjustment disorder, post something on this thread so we can talk about it. I'm desperate. I need someone to understand, and I myself need to understand. Please.
"Please forgive me if I don't talk much at times. It's loud enough in my head."
Hey, I just wanted to say hi and let you know your not alone, I have had a diagnosis of adjustment disorder, however it is only because I saw it written on my discharge papers when leaving psyc hospital, I have never been told officially. I also have diagnosis of BPD and depression, but because adjustment disorder has never really been discussed with me I find it hard to figure which of my symptoms and/or behaviours would be spcifically down to adjustment disorder and why i got the diaganosis if that makes sense, I know I am very impulsive which is my BPD, I asked psyc nurse once about adjustment disorder but they didn't know what it was.
From reading your post though you sound to have a good insight which i think is good and as you say (and I defo agree) about having to force yourself to go out is awful you should be proud that your managing to get out still, it takes a lot of strength!
Let me first tell you how brave you are to admit on here how you feel.
I am 43 years old and was today told that I have AD.
Before I continue, let me say that any person that attempts to take their own life or thinks about it needs to talk to someone and mostly it is a cry for help.
I did exactly this on the 5th Aug 2013 via an attempted overdose and was and still am ashamed of this and have been receiving counselling since.
My symptoms for a long time in my life have been the inability to feel excited about anything, I can't remember when I last felt excited about anything to be honest. I am married but separated from my wife and this is due to us growing apart and my condition I believe. I have had several affairs in the last 10 years and I am beginning to see why, some may read this thread and say I am using AD as an excuse. I am not, the guilt I feel is not something I can describe and I believe now that I have been searching for a happiness that hasn't been there due to my AD and probably has been under my nose for a long time but needed to be pointed in that direction by a professional.
At school and now in work, I find it difficult to connect with others and look on at other people with happiness in their lives with envy.
Why can't I be like them I ask myself.
I envy the little things they do such as go out, socialise even on the simplest level. I find myself unable to do this and this is maybe the reason why myself and my wife grew apart, she may have given up on me and her being a bit of a loner herself is simply a recipe for disaster.
I have in the past and present though, found myself in the position where people will see me as someone they can talk to and unload their problems on.
Ironically, I find me giving them good advice but am unable to take it myself.
My counselling comes to an end soon and the mental health team I saw today have suggested I see a psychotherapist to speak about my problems, I have only touched on the surface of what I am suffering as I feel I cannot tell all on here.
All I am saying is, there is hope for those suffering but you need to want to get help.
I feel hopeless as I write this having recently had another argument with my wife at our home where I am not living currently but pay for everything still.
I know that I need to keep me safe and by leaving and talking when we are both calm is the better thing to do.
I have found myself lashing out at her mentally after our separation even though I was seeing someone else and she was too.
This isn't me and is I have discovered a symptom of AD.
Hi there,
I've never been diagnosed with AD (although I've never heard of it until now) but I literally could have written that post, word for word. Sorry to hijack the thread slightly but how did you get diagnosed with it? (As in, did your doctor suggest it or did you get assessed for it? I've currently got the diagnosis of depression but I'm not sure it's just that and now you've sparked my curiosity :P)
I hope that things start to look up for you soon and you do find people around you who are dealing with the same things xxxx
