Wanting to stay a patient? Wanting to not fail at life?

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I'm really not sure if this is the right place to put this so mods feel free to move. It's not a serious discussion worthy thread, it's not solely based on self-injury and it's too mental health-esque for general advice. So here I am. Apparently I'm going to natter a lot, please excuse that too.

A long time ago my parents decided that I had to stay out of hospital for 4 months before I was allowed to go back to school. I've dropped out of high school once and University twice so this is a perfectly reasonable request. A term is 4 months. It's a good test. Well, except for the fact that just because you go 4 months without an admission doesn't mean you're not ever going to be admitted again. Heck, on 4 months and one day I could be back in hospital. Whatever. They needed to start someone where and it gave me something to work towards.

I usually can only last 6-8 weeks in the outside world before something breaks and I end up back in the hospital. Four months felt like an eternity. Something I never thought I would ever achieve so I was never really all that upset when I ended up back in hospital because while my parents would hold out hope, I did not.

The thing is, I'm almost at 3 months now and I'm absolutely terrified.

You'd think I would be terrified of going back into the hospital. Of messing up the four months when I'm so close. You'd be wrong though. I'm terrified of what it means when I get to the four month mark. I'm scared of going back to school. I'm scared of "growing up" (I'm 22 by the way). I'm scared of not cutting. I'm scared of having to be responsible for my life. I'm scared of everything.

People have said to me before that they thought that I didn't want to let go of being a patient and what they said was complete nonsense at the time but now... Now it's true and I can't tell any of them. I really don't know what to do!

I started slipping last week so I did the responsible thing and made an appointment with my psych and was put back on meds, I had been off them for 6 weeks. The meds are helping a lot. So much so that I can't cut properly. I can't go as deep as I used to. That should be a good thing and yet it isn't. I want to be able to cut and choose not to. I think that's what scares me most. The fact that if I can't cut then what do I do? I'm in DBT. I have skills. I know I'm supposed to use those and I do, that probably plays into the whole not being able to cut.

I tried cutting tonight and I couldn't do it properly. I couldn't do it in the make-do way that I have been cutting the last few days. The fact that I couldn't do it honestly makes me want to overdose. I don't want to be alive if I don't have the choice of cutting. Who stupid and pathetic is that? I can't damage myself so I'm going to kill myself to make up for it?! WHAT?!?! Seriously!

I don't even know what I'm looking for from this thread. Maybe for someone to tell me that I'm not completely losing it? You know what's funny? Yesterday I decided that I was going to get healthy, really healthy in every way and now that it's time to hit the pavement I can't do it.

I don't know what it is that I'm getting out of being sick. When I'm in the midst of it I absolutely hate every part of it and yet I"m so afraid to leave it.

Crap.

[Laura2.0]

Hi,

I understand being scared of going back to School, and also to grow up.
Problem with growing up is that it is Happening anyway... no matter if you ill or going to School.
School... it can be a great time and not such a good time. But it does Help to get a Job and earn Money and so on.
Going back to School after a Long time is a scary Thing. I know it was for me when i started School after 4 years of no School and Staying at Home.

Being ill is something you know and you are used to, and School and being out of Hospital is something new. I dont know about the System where you live, but maybe there is a possibility where youndont have to Start School fulltime? Or you could ask if there is a way where you can go to School for Single Days or hours before you Rally Start it?

[Cacoethes]

Heya,

I can also understand this.
I was in hospital for 8 years, from the age of 14.
I've been out for 9 months now, and I still get the feelings of wanting to go back into hospital because the fact is, real life is hard!

When you've been ill for a long time, it becomes part of your identity, and hospital becomes a safe place to escape to, but you can't hide away from the real world forever.

I've seen people in the higher secure units who have been in hospitals for 30+ years, and it was sad to see. And scary too.

It is not easy, by any means, but you need to access all the help possible in the community and maybe tell your psych about these worries?
xx

[anabelleagain]

Hey there. First off, *hug*. I think you're being much stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. You are able to recognize your situation and that's HUGE. Really, really huge. So don't undersell yourself by not taking credit for how well you can identify your feelings and fears and goals.

I completely think that there is potential in many of us to get used to being sick and get more comfortable being mentally ill than mentally healthy. I think that could be something very useful bringing up to your doctor.

I also think that doesn't have to be lifetime sentence to being mentally ill. As you approach the 4 month mark, it may get very difficult. But what's it going to be like when you do cross that 4 month mark? None of us have a crystal ball, so maybe it will be different this time. Can you try to vocalize your fears with your parents? Can you have your psych team help you come up with plans and strategies for triggers and for what it's going to be like at 4 month and 1 day?

I'm glad you posted. Keep us updated. Feel free to pm if you want to chat, but I think you're doing things right-- you're able to see your situation, you asked for help and went back on meds, etc. I understand not cuting the way you want can be frustrating, but try to reframe: I can't cut the way I want, but I am still cutting (something you control). I'm still cutting, but it's not as bad (improvement.) It's not as bad, so maybe I won't cut the way I used to (hope for continued improvement.)

[popcorn]

Hey,

I concur it's great and not to be underestimated how self-aware and thoughtful you are being.

Second, I think it makes tons of sense for you to be anxious about losing things-- even negative things like destructive (but familiar and effective, to a point) cutting, and expecting to be in-patient every couple of months. Change is scary.

What do they say, better the devil you know than the one you don't know? You know what it's like to be sick and cutting. How you might do when you're more healthy is an unknown. And what's more, it's not like, Well, I'll try changing from coffee to tea and if I don't like tea I'll go back to coffee-- you feel like moving to tea (or whatever) means you *can't* go back to coffee, it'll never taste the same.

Can you talk about your anxieties about moving forward with your therapist? I would think they'd understand, as your feelings really do make a lot of sense. You're not losing it. You might be losing losing it!

Take care of yourself.

[littlemermaid]

WOW, i could have written this myself. I completely understand what you mean. Especially about the cutting and not feeling like you can do it right anymore. And wanting to have the option of doing it.

I dont have anything helpful to say except that I get it...