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Rock bottom? (may be triggering)
I've thought that I've been at rock bottom several times over the years before now but I think i'm finally there.I had a pretty ****ed up childhood, the effects of which will probably never completely leave me. I have never been the happiest of people and over the years I have become accustomed to this. However, the past year or so I've been sliding further down and I don't know if there is much further I can go as nothing seems to make me happy anymore.
Last year my only 'proper' girlfriend of five years left me whilst we were on holiday. I loved this girl to bits and although we didn't get on as well towards the end (and it probably was for the best we split up) this has effected me badly as she was my main source of positivity, love, happiness and all that goes with it. She is also the only person I have ever confided in with personal things that trouble me. She moved on pretty quickly (I suspect cheating but I cant prove it) and shes getting married next week.
I used to be in a band and that too was a relief for me. That band split up though as a few of the members didn't get on and iv been unable to find anyone else to do anything with.
I used to be happy playing football. 2 years ago all my friends came back from uni and we pretty much reformed the team we were in as kids, but in an adult league. The team did really well last year, I got voted player of the season and we should do really well again this year. The thing is, I just don't give a **** about any of it and i'm considering quitting altogether. Despite knowing some of these lads for 14 years I feel like a complete outsider when the team is together, although I don't think any of them will see it that way.
Similar lack of interest has occurred in boxing, gym, reading and pretty much anything I've previously taken enjoyment from.
I drink too much and I smoke too much weed, but at the minute these are the only things providing me release from what is the constant cycle of misery and hate that seems to be taking over me.
My job is a piece of ****. I've had sex once since splitting up with my ex. im 24 and currently living back with my parents and on top of that im going bald ffs.
I understand how pathetic some of this will sound and I don't know what i'm expecting people to reply with. I just want to say that all the specific things I've mentioned are only so bad because my mind is already a ****ing mess from my early years. Just fed up with everything at the minute and im thinking about suicide far too much. I would never kill myself but literally the only time I have smiled today was at work when I realised that suicide is a realistic option to stop all this.
I want to live and I want to be happy, I am just performing terribly at life and I don't like the fact that the thought of being dead brings a smile to my face.
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