Contains Abuse - Visit to Dread Family of Origin-- sorry so long
Hi all,
I hope this is the right place for this. My wife and I are planning a trip south with our toddler daughter to visit my parents, who were abusive in various ways, including sexual abuse from my dad, when I was a kid. It was a wackadoo family that 'looked good' on the outside but was really pretty messed up. I have been through a lot of therapy, and confronted my parents about the past abuse a while ago. They have not really acknowledged the past abuse, but I have been able to modify our current relationship so that I am setting boundaries (and trying not to feel bad about doing it).
So... I am having all these mixed emotions about this visit and holding on to my own sanity and reality. Before I saw my parents last time, I sent an email outlining behaviors I wasn't ok with and asking that they respect my wishes and agree to not do those things so we could have a nice visit (I asked for stuff like no touching under clothes, no talk about violence, no sexual/violent references even 'playfully'). My mom, surprisingly, signed on. I didn't hear back from my dad.
Last time we saw my dad, when we went out to dinner he was holding my daughter, in public, and touching her in ways that weren't overtly sexual, but that felt off to me, and he was looking at me in this 'I dare you to say anything' way, and I felt all frozen and horrible. Like tickling her, lifting her shirt to rub her tummy-- stuff that wouldn't necessarily be bad if it weren't for the history. (So of course I question again, did I make it all up??) I go back and forth between feeling angry at my parents and my usual default, depression and self-hatred. My daughter is my prime concern. She likes my parents and has had fun with them. They love her (and me) but that doesn't change the fact that they are crazy.
Am I crazy to be visiting them at all? I would never leave my parents alone with my daughter, and generally feel that a)there might be enough good in them, or at least my mom, to justify a relationship, and b) I feel like I 'should' see them. But I am annoyed and nervous that my dad ignored my ground rules email, and afraid that my dad will creep me out again and I will feel tiny and frozen again and not be able to assert myself.
Anyone have advice for navigating adult relationships with abusive families of origin, especially with kids? Wisdom is welcome.
I think you are being extremely mature unlike your dad about all of this. I would suggest telling your father he either abides by your rules or he will not see your daughter again. I know it is a demand and it's unfair on your daughter but I think the stress your feeling will be worse for your daughter in the long run.
If your mother is prepared to abide by the rules and your father isn't then I would just meet up with your mother so your daughter doesn't loose contact with them.
I think you need to decide what your family (you, wife and daughter) gain from visiting your parents and what it costs you. If the cost to your family is too much then don't do it.
hugggsss
There is no life for us apart from the ones we make for ourselves!
So get making!
My Mother was emotionally, physically and verbally abusive. But when she did something she'd been asked not to, to my nephew, My brother left with him and she didn't see him for 2 years.
If you have to request those things of them, then perhaps it wont be a terribly healthy relationship for your daughter to be in? I had to tell my Dad not to refer to larger people as fat, not, please don't make violent references. And to use your child to make a point at you, I think is a warning sign in itself.
I know it must be hard as you love your parents. But I would keep their relationship with your child very distant. Letting your child get close to someone (even excluding potential sexual abuse) who has unhealthy ways of behaving can only impact negatively. If it was anyone else you'd keep well away.
If your wife has a good relationship with her parents, perhaps plan a trip there next time. And maybe your Mom could come and visit you?
I'm sorry I've gone on but I feel cross at the injustice done to you.
Feel free to PM me. I hope everything works out. keep us posted
Thanks so much for the responses. I really appreciate it.
I think that I will send my dad an email reiterating the one from before and let him know that I need to know he will abide by the ground rules before we come to visit. I am (ridiculously, since I'm a grown up and all, and he's not the rager, that's my mom) scared of emailing him, but I just need to do it.
I want to give my parents a chance with my daughter (and vice versa) since I know people can be really different as grandparents than they were as parents, but yeah, the fact that I have to *tell* them not to do some of the crap they do is just ridiculous, and that was hitting home as I was typing it all out. I both love and hate my parents, and I am still working on myself, but I just can't let anything happen to my daughter. Last time, when my dad was touching her and looking at me (and I was feeling triggered and upset but not wanting to overreact and project my issues on my daughter), it turns out that my wife and my in-laws (who are great and live near me) were all thinking it seemed a little off, like hey, that's not quite appropriate, is he really doing it-- but none of us said anything. But now we will be on hyper-alert, and my wife will step in if I am feeling frozen.
Sometimes family stinks. If I could do a simple cost/benefit analysis, I think it would clearly show that the relationship with my parents isn't good for me, but it would also be really hard to cut off, and I think even more traumatic. So I feel like it's a lose-lose situation. So I try to manage things, and try to not get too triggered/depressed after I see or talk to them. And I am getting better at that, though I still feel resentful at having to do all this work while my parents go on blithely being crazy and thinking that I'm the one with the issues. And being a parent, it makes me rethink how my parents were when I was a kid, and I think, 'How could you treat your child that way?'
Sorry to go on. I guess the takeaway is that I better get my dad to agree to the ground rules, and then my wife and I will both watch my parents like hawks and not be afraid of offending or anything and take our daughter and run like heck if they cross the line at all. My parents are just people, not the gods they made themselves out to be who scared me when I was growing up. I have to get my brain to tell my heart/emotions that!
I think that's why I was so cross because I could still sense the fear in your writing.
The fact is everything you have achieved has been because of your own strength of character and all the things that are a problem in your head are there because of them! and they don't seem sorry or like they want to make anything better.
When I realised that I was the same age as my parents when they had me and would not treat a child that way is when I started stopping them putting me down, by mentioning how they behaved at my age and that I actually was better. I have quite a lot of siblings though so it makes it easier when you feel supported (though I was the first and only to speak out for a long time)
I always tried to rise above the behaviour and look down on them for it, that way it can just be a disgusted look if you don't feel brave, and you can always just get up and leave in silence if something is directed at you- just make sure you always look horrified and appalled.
If you thought your Dad was being peculiar with your daughter then address it in the email and threaten the police if your daughter ever even hinted that sometimes grandpa seemed strange. Say it like.........
" I would hate to put you through police interviews at your time of life because you even slightly crossed the line again with my little girl. As you must appreciate she and my wife are the most important thing to me and, although I know you would never do anything that twisted to your own granddaughter as everyone has limits, you still put me in an awkward position, when do things like you did last visit. Do I protect my family and my right to respected or do I protect your reputation and the reasons behind my concern. I love you Dad and don't want to have to chose."
I know I'm now writing letters to your Dad but I really want to empower you to feel strong enough to get what you want out of this.
Not normally so intense but it's touched a nerve and I really care.
Thanks for the support, and thanks for helping write a letter to my dad!
It's really touching that you feel so strongly-- and really brings home the fact that so many people are able to be empathetic and get how much I'm trying to be reasonable, and how completely lacking my parents are in basic human empathy or understanding how hard I try with them.
So, I did send an email to my dad, noting that I had sent an email before the last time I saw my parents and had not heard from him, and reiterated the do's and don'ts. I pointed out that this was in response to things that had come up in the past, and said that I wanted to know that he was on board before we came. I am glad I did it even though I was scared.
After a day or so (enough to make me sweat) I received an email back in which my dad said that as parents he would expect me and my wife "to control and be responsible for" our daughter, and that he "obviously [had] no plans to do anything that you or she would find objectionable."
Which makes me mad as a)it's creepy that he thinks parents 'control' kids, and b)if it were obvious he would act the right way, I wouldn't have to say anything. So it's part of my parents' ongoing denial that they ever did, or would do, anything the slightest bit inappropriate or wrong.
Part of me was really hoping I wouldn't hear back, or would get something dismissive like 'How dare you question my behavior' --and then I would feel like we didn't "have" to go. But with this, I feel like I should, and then I have to deal with trying to be assertive and not getting messed up when I see my parents, and not getting sucked into their craziness.
We go next week. I think that before then I will try to find an age-appropriate 'good-touch bad-touch' book to go over with my daughter. And then when we are there, we will never ever leave my parents alone with my daughter. It will be kind of a trial/test, to see if I can survive the visit and be assertive. I've never been so aware of my anger-- which should make me less likely to want to hurt myself, right? But still scared-- proximity to my parents always rekindles the old feelings, like feeling sorry for my parents and like I should take care of them, and believe they're good parents because that's what they need me to think to be ok. I have to hold on to my own reality.
That sounded to me like a pretty assertive email. I don't know what you're Dad means by that either. But you're right it is a little strange but perhaps the email was so straight and forceful that he struggled to find a way of directing something back to you and that's the best he could manage.
I think you should keep the anger, whether this prevents you hurting yourself I can't answer. But also turn it a little on yourself. The fact is you are a successful father and husband and by the sounds of the love you still have for your parents, you are a wonderful son. Maybe feel cross that you don't give yourself enough credit as well as annoyed they do not see that. I really hope they respect you and you feel you have the right to be respected in their company. I can read that you are stronger and am sure that this will show.
Your capacity for love is amazing. The fact that this stretches to such lengths, when it comes to your parents, it is in itself a huge strength, which I hope you recognise. No matter what your parents took from you, they could not make a dent in your loving nature. I hope you feel proud of yourself for managing this and know it's another thing that makes you a better person xx
But also, don't take no s**t!!
Wishing you the happiest that is possible for you and your family
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Last edited by in a bad way : 11-07-2013 at 07:01 AM.
Reason: took out direct swear word as not wanting to offend
if one of my parents had sexually abused me there is no way theyd be having contact with my child, end of.
is it really worth the risk to your child, couldnt your mom come to you if your trust her and leave your dad out of it?
