Ten years ago I was in hospital on a section three. I was depressed and psychotic. The nurses used to hurt me. They used to hit me, slam doors on me and push my face on the floor. I was a teenager at the time and had a very low bmi and grown men used to regularly push me down and sit on me. They told me there was nothing wrong with me mentally (I'm now diagnosed with schizophrenia) that I was attention seeking and that I liked having the staff running round after me.
I used to self harm to deal with this and they didn't give me proper medical attention, even for severe second degree burns.
Thing is, one day I was eating when one of the nurses who did these things said something to me and I just flipped. The next thing I knew I was on top of him holding a fork to his chest. I saw the fear in his face and let him go. But I still feel ashamed. I'm not a violent person, honestly. After that, I got moved to a secure hospital and the bullying stopped.
Yesterday I heard people talking about the ward I'd been on (it's not far from where I live) and the memories came back. I know it's wrong but I self harmed for the first time in months.
I don't talk about this time in my life because I'm ashamed and I don't want to put peoples jobs at risk. Please don't be angry at me for not putting a complaint in against these people, I just can't go there, I'm not strong enough
please be gentle...
Ten years ago I was in hospital on a section three. I was depressed and psychotic. The nurses used to hurt me. They used to hit me, slam doors on me and push my face on the floor. I was a teenager at the time and had a very low bmi and grown men used to regularly push me down and sit on me. They told me there was nothing wrong with me mentally (I'm now diagnosed with schizophrenia) that I was attention seeking and that I liked having the staff running round after me.
I used to self harm to deal with this and they didn't give me proper medical attention, even for severe second degree burns.
Thing is, one day I was eating when one of the nurses who did these things said something to me and I just flipped. The next thing I knew I was on top of him holding a fork to his chest. I saw the fear in his face and let him go. But I still feel ashamed. I'm not a violent person, honestly. After that, I got moved to a secure hospital and the bullying stopped.
Yesterday I heard people talking about the ward I'd been on (it's not far from where I live) and the memories came back. I know it's wrong but I self harmed for the first time in months.
I don't talk about this time in my life because I'm ashamed and I don't want to put peoples jobs at risk. Please don't be angry at me for not putting a complaint in against these people, I just can't go there, I'm not strong enough
please be gentle...
Hey Bear, I know how you feel. Sometimes you just hold everything in and can't control some of your reactions. I'm the same way but I'm not violent anymore. That was your past and you're doing so much better, you don't need to harm yourself you're so much better than that! I hope you're doing OKAY!
What they did to you and the other patients was abuse and neglect, they were very much in the wrong and it's no wonder you snapped after being mistreated that way.
I'm sorry you self harmed, have you taken care of the wounds?
I think the key thing to remember is that, despite momentarily losing control, you didn't actually hurt the member of staff which is good. It's understandable to feel angry and even violent towards people that have abused you in such a way. What do you think would help with these memories and feelings?
Take care x
Let us go then you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky, like a patient etherized upon a table
- T.S. Elliot
Thanks so much both for your replies and also for the hugs x
LavaLamp, I washed the cuts, I think they're better with the air getting to them so I left them uncovered.
I think the only thing that will help with the memories is time and distraction. I've never spoken about them properly to anyone before and although this thread helped a little, it was upsetting to write. I wish I could just let the past just float away and still have made me stronger but not have it's hold on me...
Sorry for moaning, I know so many people have had it worse!
Thank you both so much for not blaming me, I know I was out of order at the time but I needed to hear that that doesn't make me a bad person. Thank you x
It definitely doesn't make you a bad person. It's perfectly understandable how you reacted and tbh it's more suprising that you didn't react sooner. I'm pleased you're not there anymore. Flashbacks and memories can be very distressing. You did well to post about it. PM me anytime x
People tend to act out of character when they are unwell.
I have seriously hurt quite a few staff over the years, when I was very ill, but I am not particularly violent, usually.
It sounds like they were pushing you and pushing you, and although it wasn't the right thing to do, I totally understand why you did it.
The fact that you didn't actually do anything, and you stopped because you felt guilty, really says something about you, that it was an out of character, moment of frustration, not a reflection on you as a person.
It's totally your choice to put in a complaint or not, I never put in complaints about nurses that hurt me because I didn't want the trouble. So don't feel bad about not doing it, in fact, it's best not to if it's going to impact on you badly.
I'm fine! Totally fine. I don't know why it's coming out all loud and squeaky, 'cause really, I'm fine!
I'm sorry you went through such a horrible time when you were so very vulnerable already, that was very wrong of them and definitely abuse and neglect. I agree with what everyone else is saying that you recognised what was happening before it happened felt the shock and guilt of what was going on before you committed actual harm shows a lot about your strength of character I wouldn't have been able to stop I don't think if I was in such a position. I hope you tended to your cuts okay. We wouldn't make you make formal complaints only you can decide to do that and I know how hard it is to do something even think of doing something like that. Do you know any grounding techniques that can help you get through these times? Keeping you in the present? If not pm me or ask on here and I will write some down for you. I really hope you feel a bit better and again sorry this happened you never deserved any of that, take care x
“There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night.”
I don't think it makes you a bad person. You weren't treated properly, the staff had no right to bully you. They also clearly neglected you. I can understand that you snapped. Many people would have (myself included, probably).
Are your wounds ok ?
-- English is not my mother-tongue, so I apologize for any spelling/grammar mistake --
Hi Bear, I honestly don't think you are to blame for reacting the way you did. As someone else quite rightly said you were unwell at the time and when we are unwell we don't always react in the correct manner and you can only be pushed so far before you snap. Please don't blame yourself. The staff are at fault for the way they treated you. I can understand your reasons for not wanting to make a complaint and that's fine. I certainly don't think badly of you.
You said you've self-harmed, is the wound okay? Do you need medical attention?
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
Thank you all for being so kind and understanding, I'm not sure if I deserve it but it really is very sweet of you all!
insidemyhead, some grounding techniques sound fantastic if it isn't too much trouble for you, thank you.
My cuts are fine, I gave them a wash, thank you all for the concern.
I'm feeling a little calmer tonight, it was my first meeting with my new cpn today; my old one left for a new job. He seems nice but it takes me a while to trust people. I guess I'll get there eventually!
Do you know much about mindfulness? I never used to like it at all but recently I've found it to be quite helpful in keeping me in the present moment. It might help you, it might not but could be worth a try?
I'm pleased that your wounds are okay.
It's good that you are feeling calmer this evening. I think it's perfectly understandable to be a little wary when a new person enters our lives especially when we've built up trust with someone else. Remember trust has to be earned so it's bound to take a little time.
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
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