Contains Suicide - Struggling

[Becca]

I am struggling so much right now. I've been counting down to make an attempt on my life again. I went away last week and the hotel called a doctor out and the door was forced open and they took away what I had collected there (where I live I cannot buy any meds at all without prescription and get daily scripts for all meds; I've done that for almost 4 1/2 years) and wanted me admitted.

Things then got worse yesterday as the monster who pretends to be human and I was told no longer worked at cmht was there for 'his' leaving party. Sat in reception. I freaked and left as fast as I could and wet myself. My care co-ordinator then made the monster leave (party finished an hour earlier and he was just hanging around - care co-ordinator was in trouble for seeing me yesterday due to the party as I'm not allowed in the same building as this monster). I was in a total state by the time I got in a room with him (took 20 minutes of my appointment). I have to see a man there, no-one else will see me and I was really really upset (being vulnerable with a man is impossible usually so that shows how upset I was). I told him I had plans - he is away then so no-one will see me, the crisis service had me banned from the hospital so I cannot access them (long story) when I left I began to sob again having got it together in the appointment and was nearly run over as a result. I rang back as the driver was really concerned for me and was told to 'get a grip' but it's like the more I try to get a grip the more loose it becomes.

I'm terribly afraid. I've lost my housing worker and my mental health advocate in two weeks due to funding changes and cmht refusing to respond to crisis calls from them. I'm afraid of trying again and failing and going into hospital and being hurt there again and things getting worse. And yesterday I was told my care co-ordinator also sees the person who hurt me in hospital so how can I possibly discuss that with him now?

I cannot sleep, when I do I have terrors and wake others so must sleep during the day.

It's soo hard. My PC access is very sporadic but I really need some support at the moment. I'm sorry for dumping on people here, people who hurt too.

[Tig]

Hey Becca,

I'm sorry you haven't had any replies sooner ~ I only saw this today and I am really sorry given how many supportive PM's you send me. Maybe next time it might be better to post in Serious if you feel able to? I know that Veterans can quite often be neglected.

I'm sorry to hear how distressed you are feeling at the moment and that you are counting down the days until you can die. It sounds like you are left conflicted too with the fear of surviving and having to go to hospital again - it's been just under a year hasn't it?

It's crappy that care-co is away and that there will be no further support provided. What a mess our 'services' are in! I wish I knew what to say there but I know it will all be bullshit because obviously we have the same team so I'm not stupid enough to think they will change, sorry. I don't mean to be a negative Nancy but I'm sure you know as well as I do, that it would be lame of me to promise you empty things.

I think with regards to care-co seeing M, try not to panic. Care-co is not going to think any less of you for telling him about the issues. I think it is well known about some of his behaviours, certainly a few weeks ago I refused to sit in the waiting room with him and the staff supported my decision and K from crisis team was clear that I would not be alone with him so I don't think it's a big secret about his behaviours in hospital. When I was in a few weeks ago, his legacy had lived on with another patient as well. So please do tell care-co about it, and don't feel afraid of him judging you.

I can relate to the not being able to sleep at night. I don't know what to suggest because I have resorted to just sleeping during the morning too.

Thinking of you and I'm sorry there is little in the way of advice here, I just wanted to say I read and care.

xxx

[Becca]

Thankyou for replying. Maybe I will post in serious instead next time.

It's been only just under a year. It's scary to know that. I've had two comments about hospital in the last 10 days and I just cannot bear that; it is too terrifying. Yesterday my GP told me to insist on crisis team seeing me - she did try herself and just got told to phone social services to alert care co-ord; she couldn't get through so I rang him instead. He is worried about me. Knows I cannot consent to going back in ever again not after what happened last time.

His advice for next week is the duty officer, one of which thinks I am public enemy number one after last week and the other just says wait for care co-ord though she did try she was very conflicted becuase like she and care co-rd said crisis team won't accept me because nothing can be done e.g. no meds and no admission so as far as they are concerned it's pointless.

Not that the police agree with that. They worry about me; stop me for a chat. I hate lying to them. I'm afraid of them sectioning me if they find me struggling; yesterday I stood banging my head on my old church gates (it's being knocked down) and luckily it was a parishioner who helped me - I didn't even know I was doing it.

I think them knowing about Ms behaviour makes it even more upsetting and distressing for me. I'm still having issues with him. I just don't want to burden care co-ord I guess. Also I get flashbacks and upset when thinking about it, and there was the added problem of being laughed at and mocked by the consultant who I saw when I left - it made it worse.

Sleeping is awful. I get so tempted to wander in town but with police that is asking for them to be involved so I go elsewhere.

Thankyou for replying and understanding. I hope you don't mind me replying to you as well!

EDIT: Thankyou for being practical and realistic in what you have said as well!