Rant - does anyone else feel, well, nothing...

[Marko]

no warning label as i dont think this needs one, if it does, sorry, my bad!

lately i have gone way passed anger, frustration, stress, even depression, i have felt utter crap, i have had terrible thoughts, i have been fed up with everything my life has to offer.

to put this into perspective, i have just started a new job, well, 6 weeks ago, its much better than my previous one, it allows me to work normal hours and more to the point, to work alone. i hate working with or having people overlook me. hate it. i have also just moved house, into my first own home, with my fiance. i have not spent much time there which is a bit lame but nothing i can do about it. im working away for a few months, training and such. not going into detail, no need.

i dont know why but i went for several month being very very low, i hit a huge low a few weeks ago, didnt do ANYTHING, dont know why, no point in trying anything 'stupid' i guess.

now tho, i think maybe im passed the point of being fed up and depressed. im more at the point of nothingness. theres nothing, no depression, no enjoyment, no laughter, no nothing. its weird, like im not really functioning as a 'normal' person any more. nothing is bothering me, nothing is upsetting me, nothing is annoying me, im just sorta, what can i call it, ticking over. like a car stuck in neutral, not going anywhere, not really doing any work other than the bare minimum required to carry on ticking over. thing is, i have no interest in doing anything, no feeling that i need to do anything, not even a feeling of what i should or shouldnt be doing. perfect example is i got fined for speeding in my car last week, normally i KNOW this would have bothered me, on this occasion, i really am INDIFFERENT about it, you know, couldnt care less. it means NOTHING. just another step in my 'act normal' life.

i have perfected the art of pretending. to quote a papa roach lyric 'on the outside i look fine but on the inside i am dying. sums it all up. to the outside world i am normal, functional, happy. inside im nothing. im not normal, im not functional, im not feeling a single emotion. its weird.

sorry, i just realised how much i am going on here. i guess i need to get this s**t out.

so yeah, i mean, i have it all, a wonderful fiance, my own house, a nice car, a good job... but i dont feel any of this. my fiance was upset at me tonight for not recording a TV program, its a silly thing i know but surely the fact she is upset at me means i should feel something, regret, remorse, whatever it is, its not there, nothing. no feelings at all. its not good.

ah god i need to shut up now, nobody will read this far into this anyway. i know i struggle with larger posts so why you lot should read all this is beyond me. in fact, im going to change the label from none to rant, this has become a bit of a rant at myself. bugger.

so yeah, uhh, i dont know, i just needed to get this out and to know im not alone i guess. anyone any suggestions as to what the hell i can do about this lack of emotion? i would like to feel something, anything. heck, any one of you is welcome to come to the midlands, hunt me out, poke me in the eye and ask, 'feel anything yet'? !!!

[bleedingdragon]

Marko,
You sound like your in a horrible place right now where you feel numb and nothing really affects your emotions . Having terrible thoughts is also frightening, you sound like your suffering depression. I do think visiting your Dr is a really good idea to talk over how you feel, or dont feel anything anymore that you feel numb. If you struggle with being able to talk with your Dr please write down how you feel or dont feel and that youve had terrible thoughts. The Dr should discuss with you the possibility of Anti Depressants and even a talking therapy might help you to eventually figure out what it is thats making you feel so bad, even with a good job and a house and a great Girlfriend.

You say you feel its beyond depression but im sure you are going through depression you wont loose anything by going to your Dr and telling them how you feel.

RYL is here for you to express yourself, and ranting is good, but i recon you need extra help from your DR and maybe anti depresants, and even a counsellor.

I understand you about perfecting the art of pretending to be happy, all of us here are good at that, its helped us to protect ourselves, often protecting ourselves too much.

Hey people do read stuff,i know its hard when we write a long post, im great myself at writing loads its just my way, i hope i can condense it one day.

Its good youve been able to get this out and , you arnt alone Marko
many of us have felt and still do feel the way you have described.

keep posting try and seek help from your Dr, and let us know how you get on.


Dave

[musik-addikt]

I know how you feel, i too am past the point of feeling anything. you have explained it way better than i could, but basically i would repeat everything you described.

take care *hug* PM me if you want

[darkhopes]

hey Marco *hugs* Just wanted to remind you that you're not alone, lean on us here, all of RYL is here for you, I know you know that.
I just.... dont know, wanted to let you know that I read your post, have been thinking of you, know what it's like to be that numb and how hard it is.
Please take care, sorry for the ranting post xoxox

[Marko]

i havent seen my doc for depression for like 4 years now, i was in their care for to long, and nothing they could do (meds and therapy) did a single thing other than giving me crappy side affects. id rather work this out myself i think, i mean, its something not right in my head, so there must be a way to like, i dunno, override whatever is causing this. when i find this way tho i will share!!!

thanks for the comments, i appreciate them. yeah, depression, meh. had that since i was like 12 or somik, nothing new! the nothingness is a bit uh, weird tho

[Marko]

still nothing. the joy. uh, or lack of. i dont even know any more. ah well. on i go. listening to music, wasting away.


*SI trigger commin up, read ahead only if ya feel safe*










i had a weird moment today at work, other engineer was talking about his laptop and how scratched to bits the lid is, he said 'its like a self harmers arm' and nothing, i didnt bat an eyelid, i mean, i make no effort at al to hide the fact i have self harmed for countless years, god, one look at my arms and its pretty damn obvious. he came out with this comment and it didnt bother me in the least. nothing, couldnt have cared less about it. normally this sort of comment would have upset me, or at least made me feel awkward for a few moments. but today it didnt.

i need to jump start my head, its shutting down.

[Marko]

im still there...

[Marko]

So apparently I wrote this over 8 years ago... Still the same. They call it depersonalisation / derealization disorder (DpDr). It sucks.