I don't know if I belong here really

[FakeSmiles]

Hey. I've been a member of this site for a long time, longer than I care to remember. I haven't been on in a long time though. So I'll just do a quick then-till-now update/introduction so you can kind of get an idea of who I am and what I'm doing here.

- I have always, for as long as I can remember, hated my body.
- I began self harming when I was 11. I didn't know who I was or who I was becoming and I was terrified. Being alive scared me.
- I started exhibiting signs of an eating disorder when I was about 13. I would obsessively count calories, starve/binge/starve/binge (what I call binging, most people would probably count as eating normally).
- Both self harm and the eating disorder went by unchecked (not constantly, it went in phases but was more often on than off) until I decided to get help at age 20 (last March/April time).
- I was diagnosed with depression, put on medication and sent to a counsellor.
- My counsellor tried to get me to seek specialist help for the eating issues I described to him. I didn't.
- I'm now 21, I haven't self harmed since around May last year :)
- I am now in a happy relationship and almost 37wks pregnant with my first baby
- I've dealt well with my body changing and growing so far, but I haven't gained much due to having morning sickness until 25wks
- Now that I am nearing my due date I'm terrified that I won't be able to cope with my post baby body and that my life is going to go downhill and that I'll be dragged back into my old ways of thinking, my very low self esteem and my body image issues.

So, I don't know if I really belong here or not. I don't know what I'm looking for, and I don't know what I'm expecting. But I feel the need to reach out to somebody and all I could think of to do was come back here.

I'm considering getting back in touch with the counselling service I was with but am struggling to admit I'm having a hard time coping. I feel ashamed to be thinking and feeling this way right now when my only concern should be my baby. I'm not sure I'm ready to admit that I wish I wasn't pregnant so that I could just do whatever I have to do to lose weight again. I can type it out but I can't say that to somebody's face.

I'm sorry for the long post.

[Laura2.0]

Hi,
Firstly Welcome back!

Well done for Treating your Body well During pregnancy!

In my opinion there is nothing wrong with asking for help. It is a hard Thing for myself to ask for Help and for me It is a sign off strength if others Do ask for help.

[FakeSmiles]

Thankyou for taking the time to read and reply :)

After I posted this I did actually bite the bullet and went to the counselling service website and emailed them about how to get an appointment. So I guess that's the first step.

By the way, the lyrics in your signature are from one of my favourite Lenka songs! :)

[MissAnonymous]

Well done, I think you've done amazingly thus far and asking for help when things are getting tough again is a really admirable thing to do. *hugs*

[FakeSmiles]

Thankyou :) x

[nowhereman]

Well done and good luck with your appointment. I think any of us here might have the same fears in that situation, so you're not alone. I don't know if I belong either, for other reasons.