Downward spiral *May be upsetting*

Tandance · 11-06-2013, 05:38 PM

Sorry for annoying everyone with my pathetic issues but just need to get everything out somewhere. So a bit of background info...I'm 27, married with a 4 yr old son. I've struggled with depression and SI since I was 14 on and off. I'm currently 1yr 9 months SI 'free'. I'm a nursing student halfway through my uni course and casually working in aged care.

I feel like I'm on a massive downward spiral and completely powerless to stop it or slow it down. For the first time I'm feeling like I'm having eating difficulties...normally when I'm really depressed and anxious and consumed with dark thoughts I unconsciously don't eat because I simply forget to...but I've started having major anxiety everytime I think about having to eat. I basically only eat when my husband is around so he doesn't worry. I'm quite overweight so it doesn't really seem like that big of a deal if I skip meals. I have never felt like this about food before and feel like maybe it has something to do with me wanting to have some control in my life. Every second of everyday is consumed with thoughts of cutting. Wanting to, needing to, where, when, how, consequences, pros and cons...etc. at this point it's an obsession. The only thing stopping me is my son. A part of me realised that no matter how consumed I am with SI at the moment, if I make that first cut, it will consume me on a whole other level. I miss it so much even though I know if I do there will be nothing but shame and guilt to show for it. My sleeping is severely affected with 2-3 hours being the average a night. I'm so tired all the time and go to bed at a reasonable hour most nights but still toss and turn until I'm too frustrated and end up you tubing SI videos or reading the forum on here or just looking at anything else I can related to SI.
I have a subject at uni that I'm struggling with a lot and I've got an exam for it on the 20th (1yr mth anniversary of Last cut) which is worth 50% of the grade. This is the third time I'm attempting this subject (I failed by 3% on the exam last time) so of course I'm totally freaking out because I still don't understand a damn thing about the stupid subject. I haven't looked into it but think there might be a 3 times and you're out limit for the uni and I'm too scared to find out. There's already enough pressure without thinking about that.
I know that if I come out of that exam feeling like I didn't do well I will relapse and will use it as an excuse to justify my actions.
Besides from the uni stuff stressing me out, I literally have no friends in the town I live in and my husband is so busy with work we have a scheduled family day on Sundays as its the only day/night he isn't busy, so I'm extremely alone and lonely. He doesn't sleep next to me ever which makes me feel rejected even thigh I know if he was in bed I couldn't sleep with his snoring...it's just that I feel like he chooses to stay away from me. We had a massive fight about 3 weeks ago where he told me he had been having thoughts of suicide which really scared me. And I just don't feel strong enough to hold everything together anymore. I told him how I was feeling with little detail because I don't want to hide things from him. But with him struggling himself I feel like I need to be ok so he doesn't know the extent of things I'm thinking and feeling. I am not on medication and I am not seeing a psych or therapist. I don't want to be on meds because I want to be happy on my own and I don't want to rely on them for the rest of my life. Everytime I've had counselling they give me the same relaxation techniques and send me on my way... They don't work so I don't see the point I'm going back. I struggle to talk about things too so unless they ask me a direct question I won't talk about anything bothering me.
My anxiety is getting worse everyday and I'm having anxiety attacks at the thought of leaving the house. I'm struggling to shower and only having one if I have to leave the house because its too triggering. It's also extremely difficult to enter the kitchen but having a 4 yr old means I just have to do some things.
Sorry this is so long and pointless I just really needed to get this out of my head.

Ash* · 12-06-2013, 11:49 PM

You need some support.

You're exhausted and drained. Emotionally and physically. Regardless of our relationships with others we can't control or help them until they help themselves. Your husband is obviously struggling too and need some support outside of your relationship.

I'd suggest speaking to your uni support, or your doctor ASAP. There's only so long your body and brain can keep shouting "help meeee" before they give up. Don't let it get that bad.

Is there anything you can do with your little boy to get a new routine in place? A play group or somewhere where there is interaction for the both of you?

I hope you feel better soon, it's so draining when you feel yourself slipping, but can't seem to find anything to hold on to to make it stop.

You need to look after you.

Tandance · 13-06-2013, 02:00 AM

Thanks for the reply Ash, my husband is receiving help and doing fine, but obviously it's still very scary. Since he has had this experience it has helped him to understand my struggles a bit more which I guess is good in one sense but I'm so heartbroken that he has felt that way and know I'm powerless to help him through it. My son is in full time daycare and preschool as I'm a full time student ad also work. He has a very good routine and doesn't seem to be affected by his crazy parents. When he is around my mummy hat goes on and I can keep the thoughts at a low hum. He is the most important person in our life and if we see any signs that he has seen or heard anything that affects him then I will re evaluate what I need to be doing for me to make sure he is ok.
I'm stuck in between wanting to get help and wanting to crash and burn. I'm not sure why but there is a small part of me that wants to be sick because its all I've known. I think the familiarality of it makes me feel a false sense of security. I know I shouldn't self harm and I know why, but I still want to. Sorry it none of that makes sense. I just wish I could stop thinking about it and move on.