Well my name is Tanya, I used to spend a lot of time on here. When I say a lot of time I mean pretty much 24 hours a day from the moment I woke up to the time I went to bed, my whole day was spent here.
I was ill then. Now that im 'better' I can actually see how bad I was back then.
Iv been self harm free for 5 years now apart from a little slip up maybe twice, but I call them slip ups and still class myself as self harm free for 5 years. I know this will sound bad but I had to ban myself from coming here to help myself stop self harming. I was ill from the age of 16 to 23, the birth of my first daughter was the push I needed.
I met some lovely amazing people here some I miss dearly. So why am I back? Am I slipping again? When I have down days I am easily drawn here. Im married now and have 2 amazing little girls. 6 Years ago I had nothing. I thought that when I got a boyfriend, had kids / my own house that everything would be better. I was wrong. My depression started when I was 16, im 28 now and still find myself being dragged here.
I dont understand. I feel guilty that im here. I feel a failure to my kids and husband. I dont want to self harm I promised myself I would never go back there. I nearly lost my life on several occasions and will not risk leaving my little girls without a mother. The risk is there though and I am scared that everytime I have a low day I will slip back to before without even realising it.
I spent last year in therapy my work payed for it for me. The therapist was amazing. Then the funding ran out and I had to finish the sessions. I agreed to pay privately with her then it turned out that I wasnt allowed because I had been referrred to her by a company that she done work for that she wasnt allowed to take me on as a private client for 2 years. I t took me months to open up to her and then when I did and we started to get to the real issues that I have it was all stopped.
I dont really know what im posting but I was sat at the computer feeling really crap, kids in bed and husband is working away this week. I feel all alone, I hate being on my own. Not cos I think im not safe but because it makes me feel sad. My youngest daughter was sitting on the couch on earlier and I just sat and watched her eating her supper and honest to god a tear ran down my cheek FOR NO REASON. I had to tell myself to stop being so silly.
I know its ok to have down days, but what is accepted as a normal down day?
At what point do you tell yourself, ok things may not be ok, you may need a bit of help. But is getting help admitting that I failed and that im not better and for the last 5 years my mind has just been tricking me into thinking im better.
Sorry if its a lot of mumbling. Just wanted to get it out of my head and have some thoughts on it.
I'm probably not going to be much use, as I'm kind of tired and not at peak brain activity, but I thought I'd try. I'll post again when I'm slightly more coherent/less rambly.
First, feeling down, or even depressed (I can't say whether what you're feeling is a 'normal' down day or signs of depression) again is not a sign of weakness; you have had an illness, which may naturally flare up from time to time. It doesn't mean you don't love your family, or that your life is lacking anything, it is a genuine illness that you should seek help for. Coming back here doesn't mean you're failing hun, it just means that you recognise signs that you might be becoming more unwell, and you're reaching out to stop that happening. Personally I think that's very healthy. You're not failing hun, the opposite - you are recognising warning signs and seeking help, that's not failing. It's like a diabetic getting a worrying blood sugar result and deciding to go to the doctor; it's a healthy response to illness. I know it's scary to feel like you're relapsing, but, if that's what's going on, the sooner you deal with it, the easier it is to recover again.
Second, I'm sorry you were forced to cut short your sessions with the therapist that helped you - I'm in the UK and the various insurance issues in other parts of the world baffle me. Do you think that you could find another therapist you could build a relationship with? I don't know how long it's been since you've stopped seeing your last one, but two years from then is probably a long time to wait if you're feeling bad now.
Third, does your husband know you are starting to feel down? I'd talk to him if he doesn't - have someone there can really help, especially because (although the people on RYL are fantastic) he can be there for you in reality.
I hope any of this was even remotely helpful.
You're not failing. That's the one thing I really want to reinforce. You'd be failing if you ignored it and let yourself sink back into the spiral; seeking help is winning.
PM me anytime sweetheart. Take care of yourself.
Katie xx
Ask me mistakes I have made
Ask me whether what I have done is my life
Others have come, in their slow way -
And some have come to help, or to hurt -
Ask me what difference
Their strongest love or hate has made.
Hi,
Your not a failure, far from it. You've recognised that you need support and have reached out for it. That takes alot of strength, failing would be giving up without trying. You have done really well to make it through over 5 years free, I hope your proud of yourself. Feeling down is not a sign of weakness, it just means your struggling. We all have down days now and again but it sounds like this has been more for you lately which is why it is so important that you reach out for help.
It's a shame your sessions had to end with your previous counsellor, is it possible to see someone else instead? As I really think you could benefit from some extra support at the moment. Your not failing by coming back here, your recognising you need support. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
Sometimes,even when we think we are "over it" depression creeps back up on us. It happens even if life seems to be going smoothly otherwise. You're not a failure at all. I'm sorry I can't give you a longer reply right now but I remember when you were a regular here and I wanted you to know I read this.
