Contains Abuse - Not sure if I can hold on much longer...

[abba12]

I haven't posted here in a long time, but I used to be here a lot, I even used the Plumeria as one of my wedding flowers! I think even after this hard time I might try coming back on to veterans though.

This Saturday is the hardest day of my year, a very difficult anniversary. I am always a mess leading up to it, this time last year I was in hospital. It was arranged for me to not be home alone with the children this week, but plans fell through and I am alone with them today.

The baby is teething and the toddler is showing effects of the lack of attention and increased tension in the house over the past couple of weeks and is playing up because of it. My Baby wouldn't stop screaming this morning and I kept having images, and urges to do awful things, to hurt them, because I wasn't coping. I controlled myself, I put baby in the cot to scream until I could calm down, and I have been trying hard to control my voice with the toddler, but I feel so afraid of myself, I am scared I will snap and hurt them, that I will lose control of these urges that I DO NOT want.

And changing their nappies... that is so much harder...

My psych is coming over in a couple of hours to help me, I just have to make it a few more days and everything will be ok after saturday... But what if I lose control of myself and hurt them, I am terrified. I know I control it well, but even I have limits and I am so close to hitting them, I already handled both children a little too roughly this morning (squeezing a little too tight, pulling by one arm) I feel like the worst parent in the world for those things... but I am afraid if I snap I will go so much further.

I love my children more than anything, please understand that, I live to be a mother, most of the year I am great with them, I enjoy them and it's wonderful. But this time of year, I actually feel capable of killing them, and the thought comes to my mind, especially when they're screaming and I'm overwhelmed. I push it away, I block it out, I walk away and calm down, I do everything I can. But it terrifies me that it even comes into my mind, though against my will. I don't think about it, it just appears. I guess it comes from what I suffered through as a child... it's the only way I know to cope when I am emotionally drained. Most people default to what they grew up with when they're stressed or pushed too far.

[Laura2.0]

Hi,
Welcome back!

Firstly, well done for being in control This Long.
Would talking about The Things that are stressing you atm help?

When i had Problems with being too angry and i was yelling at my Family i forbid myself to be angry. But This was exactly The wrong Thing, It worked only in The Short Term. One day i Tried The opposite of forbidding me to be angry. I told myself that im allowed to feel angry, that It is an Emotion and that It will go away. That way It was easier for me to comtrol my Action. I Said to myself 'i am angry and i Want to Do This and this, but if i Do this i will regret It later. What can i Do to feel less angry that i wont regret later. It is not my moms/sisters fault that i have a Bad day.'
That way It was easier for me to step out of The Situation and think of comstructive ways to deal with my Anger.

[crazykat]

That sounds really difficult to deal with. It must be hard having those thoughts but please remember that doesn't make you a bad mother. From the way you write you can tell you care deeply about your children. We all have our moments when we don't cope and just because you are a mother isn't any different.

Is there anyone at all that could help you out at all? Even just to watch the children for a few hours to give you a break. Also it might help if you try some relaxation techniques, there are some here that you find find helpful. Also when you find yourself angry perhaps it would be helpful for you to remove yourself from the situation for a few minutes until you feel calmer. You are doing really well to cope so far.

[abba12]

Made it through for another year... Spent days at mother in laws house, which wasn't exactly pleasant, but it kept the kids safe and that was the most important thing. She tried to be helpful in her own way... the family just isn't really open about emotions, at all, so I had to hide everything. Hallucinating in the toilet where no one could find me and reading for hours because it was a safe, non visible way to disassociate.

Thank you both for your messages.

[Wonderland.]

I'm glad that you managed to get through it. It may be worth speaking to your psych about doing some anger management work to help you gain even more control over your anger.