Something weird has been happening to me as of late. I will either zone-out for several minutes; during this time I am unaware of what is going on around me and people will have to go to great lengths to get me to respond, or I will collapse, hyperventilate, and shake like a leaf.
In the first one, after being frozen for a time, if the state progresses, I will physically react to the intense fear I am feeling. I still am only vaguely aware of what is happening around me. I may start whimpering, talking, trying to hurt myself, crying silently, have difficulty breathing, and/or cower. Throughout this experience I will often be trapped in a memory or multiple memories. This has been happening for a couple of years, but recently I have seen things that never even happened, or even see a dark emptiness, or nothing at all.
During the other, my eyes will start to unfocus, I will begin to shake, and fear will keep building up. I will hyper-ventilate and be unable to communicate, though I am more aware of what is happening around than in the first described event. If I am walking when this happens I will slow down significantly at first, then have to stop and get on the ground. After it has passed I have great difficulty using my hands effectively. I will be unable to grip things or move with dexterity. I suffer from a full body weakening, but it is most noticeable in my hands. So far this seems to last from 15-45 minutes.
My fiance has asked me to see a doctor, but because of my current family situation, until I move out I will not see a doctor for this.
Angry that I can't make it stop, scared of what I see, and both because I have hurt friends who try to protect me from hurting myself when I get like that
I agree with your fiancee that you should see a doctor. However, do keep a diary of when it happens- date and time of day, duration: 15-45min, symptoms (do you know that it is about to happen) what happens each time and if anyone close to you witnesses, it let them make a note of what they observe. Write about what you were doing just before- if you were walking outside, talking to someone, what you ate that day to identify if there are triggers. Also how much sleep and quality of sleep you are getting. Describe in as much detail the images/ thoughts you are having/ hearing and what you are not able to do afterwards e.g. move your hands. The doctors will need to know how often it happens and whether you lose consciousness etc. I do think if it has been going on for more that 2 weeks though that you should go to A&E or at least make the appointment as you at times have to wait for the next available appointment.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I am still technically a minor, so I can't go to the doctor without a parent. My parents do not particularly like me, we have very little money, and they think that doctors are not needed for much of anything and that the cure for all ailments is to suck it up and move on. I plan to become an emancipated youth as soon as I can, but then I will still have the problem of lack of surplus funds to use on a doctor.
I do think you have more resources in the US than you think- that includes going into youth centres/ clinics/ lawyer offices/ social work offices/ etc. I had the same attitude from my parents- I had to leave home eventually- but I figured it was my life and I knew something was seriously wrong. Certain professionals will force your parents' hand in getting you help- you need to ask for help from someone in authority- either at your school, work, community centre or somewhere that knows you. There is some adult that will advocate for you- their job is to be there for kids who need help. At the end of the day, it is your health. You need to realise that you are worth it and fight for your right to get healthcare. It will be really hard and probably 'cause no end of not a little bit of drama, but it will be one of the most important decisions you make in your life. Because you matter!
Hugs.
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
I will be punished if I go anywhere or do anything without my parents' permission. It is a struggle to even be allowed to leave the house once a week for things other than school and church.
How did you meet your fiance and when do you plan to move out?
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
Maybe someone at church might be a resource or be able to point you towards someone?
~Happy tomatoes together we will be~
You say toe- may- toe, I say toe- mah- toe:
Let's call the whole thing- red
“It’s time to lead the third revolution, which is not to say we want to be at the top of the world, but to say we want to change the world. Because the way the world has been designed by men is not working. It’s not working for women, it’s not working for men,
it’s not working for polar bears.” Arianna Huffington 2014
