This has been a problem for quite some time now. My first counsellor was awesome, she made me feel really supported and understood. I have lots of family issues especially with my mum. Our relationship has seriously deteriorated over the years and I think my counsellor reminded me of that supported feeling I used to have. I miss that so much, I guess I have a kind of "transference" issue. I wish I could have more sessions with her to work through it, but it isn't an option.
I miss this counsellor so much and I just can't get over it. I think about it often, it doesnt feel healthy.
I looked at her Facebook/Twitter a while back just because I missed her. I don't know if other people have done this? I looked a few times but I really regret it now, I feel so guilty, like I've completely overstepped the mark.
I may have the opportunity to email her once to try and help resolve these "transference" issues I'm facing. But I don't even know if I deserve that anymore.
Any advice or experiences would be greatly appreciated.
When I finished therapy, I missed my therapist so much. She felt like a mother to me & I'd been seeing her 3 years on & off. Several years down the line now, I have been seeing a counsellor for about a year. I know that some time soon improbably won't see her any more & I'm stretching the gaps between sessions to this end. I feel it is understandable to miss them. After all, we have to build a strong bond or relationship with health professionals so that they can get to know us (& we trust them too) so that you can work together on healing yourself. By doing this you are bound to get close to them and feel you miss them when you no longer see them.
For many people (maybe for you even?) it can be the first time anyone has shown them this level of closeness and caring. For me that was certainly how it was. I felt really I,portent and cared for so to lose that environment (even when I knew that would happen one day) was still hard.
Re: looking them up.... Well I've done that. Why not? I don't see it as a problem. They may well feel it's a compliment that you cared for them and miss them.
I recall being brave & saying to my counsellor that when she said to me "I was thinking about you today" it was like "wow". Then I admitted to her that I think about her and have imaginary sessions of my own between real sessions, and use them to help me think things through.
It does get easier, it did for me after therapy. Did you find counselling freshly helpful?
Just wanted to pop in and say yes, I have been there, I understand where you are coming from. I looked my old individual worker up on Facebook after I was discharged from inpatients the first time. I think it's natural to feel this way. You have shared so much of your life with this person, both in length of time and personal details. It does get easier.
I often think of sending her an update of how I am getting on, along with all the other key people who have helped me a long the way. I don't think there's anything wrong with that :)
Thank you both so much for your reply. It really helps to know that other people feel this way, and that it does get easier.
My counselling sessions were limited to a set number, and I think found it so difficult because they ended when I was still feeling so low and vulnerable. It's good to hear that I'm not the only one who also has imaginary sessions in between real sessions - I've done that lately to try and cope with missing her.
I'm glad you both have looked people up on Facebook too. I just think I felt like I had invaded her privacy because so much info is available on Facebook/Twitter these days. It felt weird learning things about her life. But I was just doing it because I missed her.
It really does help to know I'm not alone in this though, and reading your replies has helped me to think that my feelings/thoughts are probably quite natural considering the closeness/care that is provided in good counselling relationships.
I saw a CPN many years ago when I was at university and when she was pregnant she told me once that she had to speak to someone as she had felt like my mother. She probably shouldn't have said it, but when she was on maternity I barely spoke to her cover. I see a clinical psychologist now and I don't get the same feeling of 'care' but when he suggested once I saw someone else as he didn't think I could talk to a man about certain things I went into total meltdown and it surprised me. Nobody really listens for a whole hour and ever just talks about you and what you need or hears everything you need to talk about, so I can see why it is easy to get attached. He has said that when I need to stop seeing him it will be done gradually over time as he knows that I couldn't manage it otherwise and when he moved areas I transferred with him. If you still need to see someone it could be worth seeing your gp to get back on the waiting list.
Thanks for the reply. I just cannot get over the loss, I managed to see her last week to discuss how I feel and I think she understood. Seeing her again reminded me of how easy I find her to talk to and how much I miss her. I feel absolutely heartbroken that I can't have sessions with her, she said if she was in a private practice then we'd still be seeing each other. I hate that I can't have any contact with her anymore, she said best of luck for the future and it breaks me up inside at how final that sounds.
I haven't had proper counselling sessions with her for ages because we reached session limit, but I see her around at uni. the meeting last week was just to discuss how sad I feel about losing her help. It seems like itl be the last time I get to talk to her.
i feel so down and desperate these days and she understands, she makes me feel safe. She is all the good things I feel like I've lost with my own parents, and I feel like I need her help so badly, but can't have it because of the uni rules. I cannot get over the loss it makes me want to cry all the time, and I can't bear thinking that I can't speak to her ever again. I am so attached it doesn't feel healthy, I think I've transferred a lot of my family losses to her And she represents what id like in a mum- as pathetic as that makes me feel to admit that.
I hate feeling this way, I feel so desperate. I'm awaiting an assessment for NHS talking therapies but have no idea how long the wait will be.
If anyone has felt this way before and knows how to get through the feelings of loss & despair at the end of contact id really appreciate it. It hurts so much.
Zab i would tell her if she really cared about you she would see you. Tell her how much you need her and how much you love her. Tell her you cant live without her and how your really depressed and need help from her. Email her try to get her back.
Therapsit have left me a lot I get it. I get really depressed tooo I try to kil myself bec I dont want to live with out them }: They make me cut after they leave me all I want is them. I have no life with out them }: Yes I have gone on fb and saw there account which doesnt help it only makes the pain worse and done other things too that I shouldnt have }:
Hey thanks for your post, I'm sorry to hear that you have struggled with losing therapists and how hard it's been. It can be so difficult losing someone who helps and understands.
Unfortunately there's nothing else my counsellor can do, she's bound by the regulations and can't give me more apps. So I am looking for a way to move on from her, I know she'd help if she could. I wish I could just move on quickly now but it's going to take time I think.
Sorry to jump in but Lauri, it isn't necessarily that your therapist doesn't care. It is a therapist's job to remain professional, and they have to follow certain guidelines and rules which includes session numbers etc depending on the service etc. Although I agree it's important to discuss how you are feeling with her, it is just as important that you don't overdo it as it could come across wrong.
It seems like it's been tough for you both, and it is definitely tricky when you are no longer able to see someone you finally get along with / trust when you feel you are benefitting from their help. However, it's important to try and see it from the therapist's point of view, too, as they are just trying to do their job and it's not their fault if they have to leave (it's very very rarely anything personal). Sorry to hear you're struggling xx
Sorry to jump in but Lauri, it isn't necessarily that your therapist doesn't care. It is a therapist's job to remain professional, and they have to follow certain guidelines and rules which includes session numbers etc depending on the service etc. Although I agree it's important to discuss how you are feeling with her, it is just as important that you don't overdo it as it could come across wrong.
It seems like it's been tough for you both, and it is definitely tricky when you are no longer able to see someone you finally get along with / trust when you feel you are benefitting from their help. However, it's important to try and see it from the therapist's point of view, too, as they are just trying to do their job and it's not their fault if they have to leave (it's very very rarely anything personal). Sorry to hear you're struggling xx
Hi,
Thanks for your message. I agree that my counsellor is just sticking to the guidelines, she said she would see me if she could and I truly believe she would. I think it's probably hard for her too. I've had my meeting with her to discuss my loss surrounding her and I really appreciate her time.
I know that has to be it now and I can't really contact her again. I've searched online and lots of people say its good to work through transference issues with the counsellor but I can't do that . So my next step is to try and find a way to move on without her, but it's difficult and it definitely hurts.
I usaly tell them Im going to cut or k myslef if they dont see me again. But yeah would not suggest that. Its hard to get over therapsit it s not easy at all its very depressing you feel like just dieing. It will take many countless sleepless nights of just crying. Been there its not fun and stillt here I misss my therapsit even though she hurt me and gave up on me }:
Im in the U S so its diffrent. That sucks its only a certain amount of sessions I dont think that is right especialy when you need some one to talk to still. When im a therapsit I wouldnt just leave my patients like that its so uncaring.
I'm sorry you're going through that-- it sounds really tough and sometimes bureaucracies and rules are so unhelpful.
I think it sounds like the feelings you are having make a ton of sense, and it seems like you are very self-aware, which is also a good thing. I feel like, with transference, yes, you can be partly projecting feelings onto a therapist, but you are also partly responding to her as a person, whom you may like/love. And how natural to have loving feelings for someone who is kind and caring toward you, especially when your own parents haven't been?
I know you can't see each other, but maybe you could ask if she would be able to give you a little memento-- like a photo or a letter or something.
I once had a therapist that I felt really attached to, but I was seeing her in a short-term care place, so there was no way we could have a long term therapy relationship. Which was sad, because i really clicked with her and also felt like if we'd met under different circumstances we could have been good friends. But when we were preparing to leave we did some stuff for closure-- I wrote her a letter thanking her and telling her what she meant to me, and she gave me a little good-bye gift. Nothing expensive, but it included this little worry stone that now I have and can think of her caring for me and it helps.
So I hope that this gets better for you, but mostly I think I wanted to validate your feelings and tell you you're not the only one to feel strongly about a therapist, and you will be ok. And also, I think that having had a good connection with one therapist bodes well for being able to make a good connection with someone else-- someone that there won't be limits on.
My current therapist I also really like, and she has been really flexible with me. I can see her just once a month for 'check-ins' if I need, which she says I can do as long as I find it useful (though she will eventually retire...).
Hi Zab, I completely understand. I get so attached to my therapists. I had one therapist who I saw for 3 years when I was in school. When I graduated I had to stop seeing her just because I wasnt staying in the area. I had been dreading saying good bye to her since the begining. She set really strict boundries with me as far as how the good bye would be. She wanted to make sure I had a very clean goodbye if that makes sense? She wanted it to be a healthy goodbye since so many of the people I have lostin the past have been rather traumatic. Because of this she has a strict no contact policy. I have not spoken, emailed, or heard from her since I left her office 3 years ago. I miss her so much still. I want to send her an update email so bad, but its not allowed.
I have looked her up although I can't find much on her. I write her emails all the time though-and just don't send them.
I miss her a lot. Im terrified of when i will have to leave my current therapist.I guess you could say i have attachment issues hahahah
Huggs littlemermaid Im so sorry I know your pain too well. all therapists do is hurt me and leave me. I don't have a therapist at the moment. Most therapists are ass holes they don't truly care about there patients and all they do is cause the patient pain and hurt them. You could always take a break from seeing a therapist so you don't get hurt. I would send your therapist a email its been 3 years its not like your going to get in trouble for sending a email to her its been 3 years I'm sure its okay to send her a email. If she truly cared about you she would have stayed in contact with you or aloud you too. Seeing a therapist can get addictive I know but sometimes you just go to say f it Im not seeing therpasits if all there going to do is hurt me and leave me you don't deserve that. You deserve some one that wont hurt you and one that will truley care about you. Be very careful with your new therapist if she hurts you and leaves you im sorry. Maybe take a break from seeing one.
Lauri Lauri, I have read your thread so I know where you are coming from....that being said there have to be boundaries even in therapy. I miss my old therapist so much but I completely understand why she made the boundaries and no contact policy. It was all in my best interest. She was not trying to hurt me, it does hurt sometimes yes, but I know she was looking out for me and wanted me to have a clean and healthy goodbye.
I dont think not going to therapy is the answer for me. The goodbyes are impossibly hard, but all the time and things I learned from my therapist are worth it.
A therapist cant stay in touch with ever one of their clients. They have lives too. My therapist knew that I would want to stay in touch, but that I would be dissapointed in her and have resentment to her if she did not respond to my emails often enough or if she did not say the "right thing" I would be putting impossible expectations on her. She wanted me to cherish the time we had together and learn that not all relationships are meant to stay in our lives forever. People come in and out of our lives but that doesnt make them any less important to us.
Zab: My therapist that I have been talking about gave me a book-"neccesary losses" at my last session with her. She wrote in the front page. I have kept that book and read from it whenever I am missing her a lot.
Well I don't want to turn this in to my thread but yeah I get what your saying but why does the world have to be that way why cant we stay in contact with people better. I'm talking about especially people that live close to us. I understand what your saying people don't stay in are lives forever. We are really alone in this world which sucks. The people I love and they seemed to care about me I don't understand why they don't stay in contact with me. Its like I always have to do the contacting but they never do and so then I feel like I'm bugging them or maybe they don't care about me which makes me think why. You would think if they cared about me they would stay in contact with me. Ill go talk on my thread sorry. I have learned in this life NO ONE STAYS AROUND WERE ALONE IN THIS WORLD.
Thank you all for your comments. I have not longed in for a while because things have been very busy and I forgot both my password and email address to reset it. However since longing back in it was great to see your supportive comments.
I am still struggling with missing my old counsellor. I think as several of you have said counsellors provide support and care, and if that is lacking in other areas of our lives it can be easy to get attached.
LauriLauri, I am sorry you are still struggling with the loss of therapies and contact with counsellors. It can be very difficult when people leave, especially if we feel like we need them. With regards to therapists not having contact after ending appointments, speaking from the UK system, they have all sorts of guidelines there to protect them and us even though it can feel very painful.
Popcorn, I really appreciate you validating my feelings and it helps to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way about a therapist. It is good to hear that it is natural to have these kinds of feelings. When I had a 'one off' appointment with her I asked if she could send me an email summary and so I have that to re-read, but I have been unable to open it ever since really. I hope in time things will feel easier. I am glad that you have a current therapist who you get on well with and can relate to and have flexibility with! Thanks for your support.
Littlemermaid, I am so sorry that you are going through this as well and the strict no contact policy must be difficult but I guess they have all these rules to help protect us as you said yourself. She was in no way trying to hurt you, just following her ethical code which is in place to protect people from harm. I think you said it perfectly that if you could email her then it may never feel quite enough and you may be sat at your computer waiting, maybe feeling disappointed at the reply or if she did not say what you had hoped. Therefore holding onto those positive memories of what a good therapist she was and the work you did together can be a cleaner ending. The email my uni counsellor sent me that I mentioned above was thoughtful and kind, but there were a million other things I wished she would have said so email contact can be difficult. I sometimes see my old therapist around, and as much as I actually like to see her I also find it very painful knowing that I cannot speak to her again. I am really sorry you are feeling this kind of pain too, I guess it is good knowing that we are not alone in these types of feelings. Similarly, I get afraid that this will happen all over again with new therapists. I guess I hope there will be a point when I actually do not feel like I need therapy and so the ending will be less painful. I hope things start to feel a bit easier for you, and I am glad you have the book she gave you to read when you are missing her.
