Please don't judge me..

applesandoranges · 04-04-2013, 11:35 PM

Hello, i am new to this site, so please don't judge me when i tell you my story.

First off all, i was sexually abused for 4 years, I told my teacher at school that i was being abused and cos they had video evidence of me being sexually abused, the abuser got 8 years in prison.

When i was in middle school. I used to get bullied by two girls. They got caught and they stopped, but then cos i liked the attention and care i got from the teachers i used to go to the girls who picked on me and make them angry so they would appear to be bullying me again, then the headteacher got involved and they got into trouble again. I then got more attention from the teachers and it made me feel safe.

I then got involved with CAMHS when i was 15 years old and i had so many genuine problems going on and i liked the attention that i recieved and i liked someone who was there for me and listened to me and cared about me. I didn't have any care from my family.

I then got transferred to the adult mental health team, i have been having genuine problems and feeling really depressed. But i find myself exaggerating my feelings and problems, i tried to work out why i did this and came to the conclusion that i didn't want to be alone with my genunie problems, me exaggerating my problems meant i could keep seeing of my worker and not run the risk of her discharging me. I try and go to my sessions and tell her what is going on for me, which i do, but it feels like she isn't interested and so i have to exaggerate to get her attention.

Then when i was in high school. I didn't settle very well, i didn't make any friends, so i came up with this plan to tell my teacher i was being bullied by some boys. Which was untrue, but i liked the attention i got from the teachers and them caring about me. Then a new term started and i told them they finished school and the bullying stopped.

I don't know what is wrong with me and why i have to lie to get attention all the time.. I feel like i am a massive attention seeker.. I hate myself.. Like i said please don't judge me cos i feel ashamed of myself but i can't seem to stop myself..

PassedExpectations · 06-04-2013, 03:46 PM

i think that maybe you need to find positive things to do that you can talk about with people... people can show interest in the good things we do and are involved in as much as in the negative ones...

do you feel like no one will care about you if you aren't struggling? perhaps try to think of people that you care about for positive reasons to remind yourself that you don't have to be struggling to be cared about. what are other ways people can show care besides trying to fix you or help you?

whirlpools · 06-04-2013, 03:55 PM

I wonder if there is a way you could ask for help to build more healthy relationships in your life so you feel less reliant on professional support. It can feel so difficult to need/want the support and care of professionals so you don't feel lonely or unwanted, I can really relate to that and think it's brave of you to admit to us. I certainly don't judge you.

People often use the term 'attention-seeking' to be a negative or shameful thing, but really it's something we all (well or unwell) do quite often. It's just some of us feel able to do it in a healthy or productive way and others feel quite bad about themselves and feel the need to get care in maybe not such a healthy way by lying or exaggerating. I also think a lot of people could relate to exaggerating their difficulties from time to time so you're not alone there.

Could you tell your worker that you feel unheard when you're talking about your difficulties? It may be that she is interested, but that you interpret it differently. She might also be able to help you learn to care about yourself, which is one of the nicest ways to be cared for.

sunshine100 · 06-04-2013, 10:39 PM

I think you've already done the hardest bit and admitted to yourself that you do it. We've all exaggerated at some point in our lives, so please don't beat yourself up over it.

Like the suggestions about find talking points or questions to ask people about hobbies etc so you're not put in a position where you feel ignored or 'out of it'.

I can appreciate how hard it is, but I've started telling my social worker EXACTLY how I feel if she forgets to call or I feel she's not taken me seriously. She appreciates my honesty and it also means she can reassure me that I'm jumping to conclusions. I really recommend trying it if you can :)