Contains Abuse - Relationship Problems With Everyone Around Me

HangingInTheBalance · 02-04-2013, 03:23 PM

Hi

I have just posted in the Abuse Forum about another issue that I'm having but that problem has resulted in the position I'm on now.

I'm now 23, I've been married coming up for 5 years. My husband is supportive, understanding and I know he loves me. Because of previous relationships I can't open up about how I'm feeling and tend to isolate myself. In sept last year I met someone else and had an emotional affair. I left my husband and after a few days we decided to try our best to work through it. Now things are better I'm struggling to deal with the guilt. It's yet another thing I've done wrong and yet another person I've let down. I let my parents down when I was abused and I've continued to disappoint people ever since.

I have a friend that always seems to put me down and it's getting worse and worse. Every little weakness I have she picks on or makes a joke out of it. I've tried to distance myself from her but it seems to be impossible. I can't say anything to her either, I'll be called all the names under the sun and she'll get really nasty.

I have just started at rape crisis to deal with the abuse I suffered when I was 13. I've never spoken about it in detail before. I'm terrified. I've also been cut-free for around 6 years but am struggling more by the day not to cut. It's when things feel overwhelming that I struggle not to cut. I'm opening up a Pandora's box and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to deal with all this. I just want to be over this. I'm 23 and should be over it all but as soon as I find happiness I gave to do something to ruin it because I feel like I don't deserve it.

I feel like I'm 13 again. I feel so lost, alone and frightened. Will this ever be over??

talaiporia · 02-04-2013, 05:01 PM

Love is messy and complicated, and it's easy to get swept up. Please don't punish yourself for making a mistake.

Frankly, that friend sounds horrible, and I would just cut her out of my life; you don't need people like that around.

Dealing with a trauma, even some time down the line, can be really traumatic and it can feel worse before it gets better, but let the staff you're working with know that you'd like to slow down, and they will try to help.

HangingInTheBalance · 02-04-2013, 05:06 PM

That's the problem, I've only had a few sessions and I've only skirted round what I went through and I already feel like this. I've had a lot of counselling and various therapies and I know it'll get worse before it gets better but I'm so afraid that I'm going to relapse with the SH, I feel like I did when all of it was going on and that's the only thing I could do to help me cope. I've told my counsellor this but I'm too scared to open up to my husband about it. I've caused enough turmoil on our relationship already and I don't want to cause more. I'm tired and so disappointed in myself that I feel this way yet again. I just want it all to go away. I thought I was ready which is why I sought counselling from the specific service I need to deal with it but now I'm not so sure I am ready

talaiporia · 03-04-2013, 08:24 PM

It can be really hard though, at first, digging it all up again. I would suggest you tell the counsellor that you're finding this so difficult, so they are able to slow down and help you deal with these feelings.

What's making you afraid of talking to your husband?

HangingInTheBalance · 10-04-2013, 06:14 PM

I have to admit that I'm struggling. We've been through so much and I'm scared that he's not going to be able to cope with me feeling like this yet again. I feel so guilty for putting him through what I have already and I don't want to add to it. It means I have to admit it to myself.

I SH today for the first time in 6 years. I just feel like such a failure.