Sticking on meds *mentions si*

[oops*i*did*it*again]

I was just wondering whether anybody shared similar experiences to mine with meds.

I take 40mg Citalopram daily, and have PRN betablockers for anxiety and zopiclone sleepers.
When i'm ''on'' them (citalopram) (as in remembering and ensuring I take them the same time every day for a prolonged length of time) my mood is stable - and I can still experience 'happy' moments etc - which is more than when i'm depressed granted, but then is lose something of what I feel is me that I have when i'm off meds.
They seem to reduce my ability to think outside of the box.
Off meds I see things in signs while walking along the street- like everything is saturated in meanings which then in turn become these really comforting semantic rythms that I walk along to in my head, or write or paint about.
I feel less creative,flatter.
And when i'm on them and don't forget them I almost forget all this and resign myself daily and willingly,but then when i forget 1 dose because I was running late or what have you, then i remember at about 4pm when I get my head feeling slightly odd, but by then my mood has already ever so slightly altered and I feel apathetic to taking the tablet,so I tell myself i'll take it the next morning instead- by which time I feel even more apathetic about taking it ...etc...

So i'm in this strange place at the moment where I take it for a bit,forget,then don't want to, and don't for a while,then crash badly,self harm,get suicidal,tell myself its cos of the meds and go back on them again..for it to happen again.

I guess i'm just wondering how other people on meds feel about taking them?,are they good at sticking to them? do you have any tips? etc
Thanks for reading
S x

[bitomato]

Hi,
A wonderful tip I got from this page was just take all meds you are meant to take together and don't overthink it. I did up a little chart for my fridge to tick so I remember if I took them at breakfast etc. Also some meds will tell you whether to take them as soon as you remember or when they are next due.

The battle you are experiencing is with compliance. I think that you are definitely not alone. I have tried to come off my meds, and my doctor did not want me to. I got them to agree to reduce my dosage even if they did not favor it. Again it was hard, and thanks to this page- I got an idea of the side effects I could expect as normal as my body adjusted to the new dosage.

I think you need to come to a decision in yourself to commit to taking your meds and develop memory techniques for taking them. And always talk to your doctor about the struggles you are having.

[PinQ]

I'm forgetful with my meds and I go through periods of paranoia about them. However, I am doing pretty well at the moment because I've managed to get into a routine. It took a while before it stuck but now its pretty instinctive. I have them when I have breakfast. The first thing I eat of the day triggers me to take my meds. Maybe you could try to do that. When you feel like they are suppressing a part of you, do you think this could be a symptom of your illness as opposed to just creativity? If not then maybe you should talk to your doc about trying a different anti depressant. They all help people differently its just finding the one that works for you. Hope that helps.

[oops*i*did*it*again]

thank you for your replies you two. I'm not sure whether it's a symptom of my illness or not, that part of it feels special; the way things mean something stop of endless pointlessness of it somehow,even if the meanings are not real.
I think mayb your'e right it does come down to compliance, deep down i've always wondered whether taking away my 'illness' is taking away one of the few things I have to 'be'. Rubbish thing to be I know, but I feel I have very little going for me to hold onto,to identify myself by in a way.
The idea of the fridge list is a good idea...i have tried moving the tablets into different locations and taking at different times but i always say eg:if their next to the kettle, that i'll take them after i've finished the cup of tea rather than before i've drunk it.
And by now i've been off them two days again and it's starting to feel like i don't want to take one today either
sorry this is rambling- in summary-thank you for the insights x

[MrsNutkin]

I wonder if it's less about whether to take them and more to do with if you want to take them. You sound like you are fighting against it. I'm not sure what to suggest as it sounds like you like some aspects of not taking them and some aspects of taking them. How about talking with your doctor about a different dose and/or combination?