|
please help me
I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant, 16 when I had my beautiful son. I am now about to be 19 in only a few days. My boyfriend and the father of my child chased after me for almost a year before I finally gave him a chance. We fell in love fast and moved very quickly in our relationship. We had sex less than 2 weeks after being together and he wanted to get me pregnant so that he would never lose me. I had no idea at the time, but he did. We're still together at this point, we've broken up several times though because we're young and scared. But right now I've lost my job, had to drop out of high school, have no license, no diploma, and my boyfriend is now able to hang out with friends a lot But I've lost all of mine. None of them will hang out with me even if I beg. They don't want to deal with me bringing my baby everywhere and I refuse to leave him all the time for people like that. Any young mom's that I know are absolutely ridiculous and they all expect me to leave my son at home cause that's what they do all the time. So there is nobody my age who I can hang out with or even talk to. My boyfriend is always going out and thinks that I just don't want to hang out with anyone else. He doesn't realize how sensitive I am about the fact that I have absolutely no friends no matter how much I tell him it hurts me. I lost my job in November and haven't been able to get a new one no matter how many places I apply. My mom does nothing but tell me that she's dissapointed in me and that I'm worthless and I need to grow up. My dad won't even talk to me. He ignores my texts and then tells me I don't text him. My parents got divorced in October. For the second time. My dad was living a second life and he was.living with his girlfriend.while he lived here at home and then eventually he decided he was just going to stay there every day so we caught him. He always abused me anyways. One time in fourth grade my brothers came home and told me a boy liked me, my dad got out of bed and picked me up by my throat and hit me and screamed at me while he held me up against the wall by my throat that I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend. The last big thing that happened was about a year and a half ago when we were all eating dinner and he was.calling all of my sibling and myself assholes because his house wasn't clean enough. I told him to atop calling us names and he started to freak out and beat me. I hit him back, punched him in the face because I was done, he held my arm down with one foot and stomped on my hand with the other foot for hitting him. He ended up breaking my hand but my parents refused to take me to the hospital because it was my own fault. I ended up going to school and showing my teacher and telling her what happened so she would call cps. My parents did nothing but call me names and tell me I was making it all up and I broke my own hand cause I was mad. When cps they wouldn't even listen to me or my siblings. They only listened to my parents. But then I found out I was going to lose my son until I turned 18, so I gave up and lied and told the woman I was crazy so I could keep my son. My dad hasn't.laid a hand on me since, but he still threatens a lot. Nobody cares about me. I have absolutely no one. I just want to die. The only thing keeping me here is my son. I just want somebody to talk to. I was begging my boyfriend to talk to me tonight because I'm finally hitting my breaking point but he though I was lying because we were previously arguing. What he didn't understand was that that argument was the straw that broke the camels.back. I just keep thinking of ways to hurt myself or kill myself. I would never do it. I could never leave.My son like that. Ever. But I still just feel so depressed. I can't go to counseling. I've tried.with several different psychiatrists, psychiatristssbut I always convince them I'm okay. Idk how I do it. But I just can manipulate them in any way I want to, but those are the people I'm not supposed to be able to do that too, so who am I supposed to go to? The only reason I can talk about it all on here is because none of you know who I am. You can pass me on the street or in the mall and you'll have no idea its me. I just need help, someone to talk to. I really, really just want to die. All I'm doing is crying every night, and hiding in the bathroom during the day to cry. I have nobody to talk to and everyone thinks I'm worthless. They actually flat out tell me I'm worthless and I'm nothing. I just need help. Somehow. I'm sorry...
|
