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Sarah
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Australia
I am currently:  
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I want to smile and mean it.
Hi everyone. I'm brand new to RYL so I'm not sure what to say or how to say it. I think it would just be kind of therapeutic to type this out whether it gets read or not. And it would be relieving to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.
So apparently I have depression. Which is extremely weird to me because for my whole life I have considered myself such a happy, bubbly, friendly and funny person. I feel like I have nothing to be depressed about - I mean, I have a lot of great friends, a very close-knit family, I live in a house in a beautiful area...this is just all very confusing.
I have always been a very over-thinking, over-analysing, sensitive person, but this has not necessarily had a negative impact until recently. I have also always been VERY self and spiritually aware. I'm self-conscious and can be shy around new people, but never has this been really been an issue. I see it more as just something every girl deals with during their teenage years. I resent talking about myself to others, and always want to hear about my friends and family and their lives and issues, I love to listen and give advice but I often become very uncomfortable talking about my own personal issues, except to my mum and to my best friend. Although I feel like my relationship with my best friend has been strained ever since this all started. The depression has, in a way, made all of my insecurities flare up to the point where now I find myself sometimes fearing judgement from my best friend, of all people.
I began my first year of university at the start of 2012, and I was fine until about 3 months in. It happened slowly. At first I ignored it, assuming it was just me over-thinking things and situations. But it got worse and it lasted through the whole year until about November when I finally broke down and told my mum everything. It was so hard keeping it from my mum for all those months, we're best friends and tell each other everything, but I never wanted to tell her because I knew it'd upset her. She gave me the best advice she could, cried with me and offered to get me a professional to talk to, but I refused. I didn't know if what I was feeling was legitimate, like maybe my over-thinking mind had created something that wasn't there and I was just being dramatic. After my breakdown, I went for about 3 months feeling okay again. I got out of the house, saw friends, did things. Until about a month ago when it started getting bad again. It came on slowly like it did before. Recently it become so bad that whenever I smiled, I would start to cry because I wanted so desperately for my smile to be genuine. I wanted to be happy and I didn't know what the hell was going on with me, I still don't. I feel like the real me is trapped inside, deep down below all the negativity and self-hatred, just dying to get out. The thing is I don't know who the real me is, I can't remember what it's like to feel genuinely happy without feeling that dark cloud hanging over my head and possessing my thought processes.
I don't know how to control how I think anymore. I used to be positive and optimistic until this started last year. It's as though negative thinking has simply become the way my brain functions. My mind is stuck this way and I feel so trapped and helpless by it. Since this started I have felt varying degrees of worthlessness, self-hatred, self-consciousness, feeling like everyone is judging me, believing that I am always going to say or do the wrong thing, believing that I'm not enough, that I'm boring, that no one gives a sh*t what I have to say, that I'm constantly being judged, I'm too awkward, that I'll always screw up in social situations, that no one wants me, I feel like I'm stuck in this same rut while everyone around me is moving forward with their lives. I want so badly to travel the world, to find myself, to experience and do new things. I fantasize about these things but apart from lacking the money to do so, I also am extremely lacking in motivation and energy. My friends are always making the effort with me, I never initiate anything and if I do, it's rare and often forced. The other night I told my best friend that I was depressed and it got so awkward - I hated it and wish I'd never said anything. And I hate that even more because she's meant to be my best friend and I feel like since this began, we lack the emotional intimacy that once came so easily to us, and I believe it's my fault. Having said that, in any social situation, if something goes wrong or gets awkward I always blame myself, thinking I should've said or done something differently.
I told mum the other week that I wanted to talk to a professional about this and she got me the best psychologist she could find. After a few words to her, the psychologist suspects Adjustment Disorder as well as the depression, which my doctor diagnosed me with just last week.
My mood is on and off, I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. The good days are good - I am sociable, funny, "happy", I feel normal. But when it's bad, it's REALLY bad. I feel so stuck and alone and it's practically impossible to break free of the negative thoughts.
Despite all of this, I still feel like maybe this is all just me creating something that isn't there. Like I'm being over-dramatic, or too self-involved, or making this up as an excuse for myself and others to feel sorry for me. I don't know. This is not meant to sound insulting in ANY way, but I almost feel like I don't deserve the title of 'Depression'...if that makes sense? Like my issues aren't significant enough. All I know is that I want to break free of this. I want to feel free and I want to feel happy. I'm sick of being so confused and sad and all over the place. I want to love myself and get my confidence and self-esteem back. I feel as though I'm buried so deep in these negative thoughts that I'm never going to get rid of them. I have my first appointment with my psychologist this week, and I'm so nervous!
Maybe I should mention quickly that I have never self harmed. This is going to sound petty and I'm sorry, but I am extremely squeamish. Just the thought of drawing blood or anything similar is enough to make me faint. I suppose this is a blessing in disguise for me.
If anyone got to the end of this, thankyou so much for taking the time to read it, I know it's long! There's a lot that I didn't include and a lot that I probably didn't need to include, but it feels good to get it off my chest, so again, thankyou. I'd love to hear anything you have to say :)
Last edited by Remedy : 23-03-2013 at 05:23 PM.
Reason: First post was way too long! (longer than this haha)
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